Backpacking Trip 2010

My mind is a constant wheel of thought…more like a tornado, of late. I want to stay awake as late as I can, to get as much out of the day that I can, and I have been (although the results of staying up so late haven’t always been productive, more thoughtful and contemplative than anything). What sleep I have gotten has been interrupted by the ever constant wave of thoughts that now seep into the surface of my sub consciousness. My appetite has been derelict, more like virtually non-existent. As much as I am in love with food and taste, I am okay with my current state of hunger, rather lack thereof. I have too much to do; I don’t even think about it, more about the ball of emotional pain and uncertainty presently residing in the pit of my stomach. More important thoughts and feelings to have and to feel…I am aware that the primary content of my blogs contain a certain vulnerable desperation, and as they should. I realize my blogs are public and I’m not sure who is reading them, if anyone, but I want you to know: do not allow my most vocal desperations overshadow the root of the emotions I feel regarding the trip. Do not allow these detailed meanderings sway you to think I am not the three e’s: exulted, elated and ecstatic. I am all of those and all of the feelings that exist in the rainbow spectrum of emotions, with or without a word to accurately explain them. I know as soon as I leave and am finally surrounded by the world I fiercely crave, I will be fine. Right now, I’m experiencing the “breaking away.” Breaking away is always the hardest part of starting over….letting go. My heart feels like a hysterical, maniacal animal, trapped and caged and uncertain of what to think, say or do; it’s arduous to let go. My mind is a whirlwind of thought, reflection and criticism. This description can not describe the precise and exact emotions running through my veins, and is not all of what I feel; there is exponentially much more. I know once the break is made, relief will flood from the tip of my hair to the end of my toenails. I am beyond curious of the unknown, mostly because I am terrified of the unknown. I’m not coming back here. I am taking the backpacking trip with Katie, but my trip does not end there; it is only the beginning. After these international travels, I am traveling the continental U.S. I want to see the world, and I will. I am. The trip commences in Central America but it is never ending. I often wonder if people are ever truly happy with their lives, or are they all settling. I knew from the start that I can never settle which is ironic because I have been trying to do just that my entire adult life. I am leaving what I’ve ever known and experienced for good and never looking back, only forward. Also ironic because at the same time, I could stay here, with him, and stay there every day for the rest of my life. It is not in my future (and it is only currently my infrequent present), and I need to let that go more than any thing else. I’ll be in the future in half a breath. I’m in the future now. I can no longer look behind. The time for that has come and gone…I am I and all that I am and all that I know how to be. I am happy in this place, as I know I will be happy wherever my heart shall lead me (and wherever I shall follow).

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010 at 7:09 pm and is filed under Travel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.