Backpacking Trip 2010

It’s 10:15pm, Panama time. I’ve gotten very little sleep since two days ago. Traveling to Panama City took about 9 hours and when we got to our hostel (http://www.lunascastlehostel.com/), we didn’t get any sleep. On the plus side, I got to watch the sun come up on the bay, which was understatedly beautiful. But, I still can’t sleep. I guess that’s good. I figure the best thoughts come when you are sleep deprived; the mind is loopy and thus languid and tranquil, pliable. I have thought about much lately. I have thought about humanity…I have been to several countries now (yes, I realize I have yet to only visit about 1%, maybe less, of the countries out there) and I have come to discover that people, no matter where they are located or placed, are the same. Humanity stays the same, no matter where the location. I hope to be proved wrong. I always hope to be proved wrong. However, in currently realizing this, I contemplate my own humanity. How do I relate to these faceless, nameless people? I want to get to know the mystery, I want to know their story (in turn and along with that, I want to know my own story). Where are they going? Where did they come from? Where did they stop along the way? How did they get here? How do we know where to go? What takes us places? What draws us to each other? What keeps us there? What tells us it’s time to move on? Time has no beginning, no middle and no end nowadays; no date, either. I am just here, somewhere in between. I feel like I am in the grey matter, somewhere between black and white. I want to be blue. Or red. I want to be some one. I want to be some thing. I know I am; I guess I am. I wish I could see myself from someone else’s eyes, someone else’s perspective. Not that it would matter, not that it would affect my opinion of myself, but just to know. I know I want to go somewhere. I am somewhere. I have been somewhere. I am going somewhere. I just want to know. And the beauty is, I may never know. I would like to say I probably won’t know, but I don’t fully believe that, at least, I don’t want to. I’m looking to my left, out of the balcony the computer is set up next to, and I see the bay and the Panama City skyline (I’m currently in Casco Viejo, just outside of Panama City). I’m really here. I’m in Panama. I’m twenty-six years old! Where did the time go? And I’m in Panama City! It’s hard for me to believe that I’ve (we’ve) already been traveling for two months…the time really does fly by. I think that I’ve got two months left and it doesn’t seem like enough time to see and do what I want to do. And I know, whatever time does go by, that that’s all I’ve got to hold on to: time. Time=life. Time=the time of my life. It’s what I’ve got. I’ve been living out of a backpack for two months and it has made me realize how little we all really need to survive, to get by. It feels so good to have simplified my life…I wonder why I thought I needed all that stuff before. In realizing that, I’ve realized what I’ve really needed, what’s really important. And, I have tons of that. I feel fortunate. No, not fortunate or lucky, I just wish there were an accurate word…I guess, I feel aware. Aware. There really is much beauty in the world. There is so much beauty that it becomes overwhelming; I know I can not fully comprehend it. It’s blinding, though. It burns the soul. The beauty of humanity, and the ugliness. And how beautiful the Earth is; how beautiful life’s processes are and how we make up our tiny, individual part of it. Aware…aware.

It`s August. It`s August and today is our last day in Costa Rica. First thing tomorrow morning (we`re waking up at 4am), we are heading to Panama City, Panama! We are taking a 9 hour bus ride from San Jose to David, Panama, and we`ll be staying overnight there, then taking another 5-6 hour bus ride from David to Panama City. We never went to Nicaragua, as my previous blog mentions. Later, that very same day I wrote my last entry, events occured that changed our minds and we decided to go to Santa Barbara, in Heredia, outside of San Jose, instead. We have been in Santa Barbara since then, staying at Richard`s apartment. I can`t speak for how Katie`s time here has been (although I do have an idea of how it has been for her), but I can speak for myself and the last week and a half has been some of the best days of my life. We`ve had movie marathons, epic breakfasts and dinners, intense work outs at the gym, adventures including taking six buses in one day to the international mall here, Jenga games, hot water, dancing, motorcycle rides, seeing Richard`s soccer game, and TONS of laughter. We`ve also been able to relax, chill, and take it easy as well. Basically, we`ve had it all since we`ve been here. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time in Santa Barbara, staying with Richard. My life changed the day we met and there`s no going back if I tried (and I don`t want to). I am beyond thankful for Richard`s hospitality and never-ending patience with the both of us since we`ve invaded his space (although, he wouldn`t call it that). I am thankful for his companionship and company and I can not wait to discover when and where our next adventure will take us.

I have fallen in love with Costa Rica…and we`re leaving tomorrow. I am insanely excited to go to Panama and have our first border crossing. I absolutely can not wait to see the Panama Canal. We don`know yet how long we`ll be staying there, as long or short as it feels right for the both of us. The last time I was this excited and sad to travel at the same time was leaving Sarasota. Wherever I go, Costa Rica will be with me, in my heart, along the whole journey. And wherever I have gone since I left two months ago and where I go for the next two months, I have taken and will take those I love with me every step of the way, too. I always will.

When I look at my life, who I am, who I`ve become, who I`m turning into, where I`m going, I can not feel more overjoyed and complete as I do. I have the whole world ahead of me, behind me, around me, above me, below me. Time and place has no boundary…Where I felt insecure before, I feel stable and sure. When I used to tell myself, “You can do anything you want to do, be anyone you want to be, go anywhere you want to go,” doubt whispered in response. Well, that doubt has no place in my heart or mind anymore; it`s been long gone. When I tell myself the same things now, I know it is true because I`m doing it now and I always have been before, I just didn`t know it. I am not sure I can truly explain how it feels to be free, truly free, to have the whole world at my finger tips and realize I have it all, everything and anything anyone could want. I used to ask myself in disbelief, “Is it possible to be and feel this happy?” and the answer is YES! ABSOLUTELY, YES! And, it`s not just because of me, because of myself, it`s also because of all of the people and places that make up and fill the rest of my heart. I am eternally grateful for all of them (for all of you!!!!). When I left Sarasota, I was searching for something (after all, we`re all just searching for something). I wanted to be strong, strong in myself, someone I could be proud of, have goals, be secure in myself and believe in myself, discover I am capable and to find stability. I woke up and realized I found that. I have found everything I set out to find. I am not as naive to think the search is over already; the search for self-discovery, growth and improvement is a life-long thing, a journey I am greatly looking forward to. But, I am at peace and happy and I don`t want anyone worrying about me. No matter what happens, I know I`ll be okay. I will be.

So, tomorrow is a new day, a travel day! I lovvvvvvve travel days! I will update everyone as soon as I can and will update everyone as often as I can. DON`T WORRY ABOUT ME! I love you all and will get in touch soon! Peace, love & happiness, Ang