Backpacking Trip 2010

The enormity of leaving and what I’m leaving for, what I’m leaving behind, what I’m trying to find, what I’m looking for, has knocked me with full force! It’s weighing down my mind… Everyone has flaws, it is part of our humanity, and my biggest flaw to date has been two things: I take (and always have) every thing personally, internalize it all, thinking, thinking thinking…always. The second is setting myself up for failure/self-sabotaging myself, for some reason I felt I had deserved to feel that way. I’m ready to break away from the past and I will (and I am). I am finally seizing my opportunity, doing something wholly for myself (no small feat for me), and I am left in no-mans land on the cusp of the biggest change of my life. I wish I could sum up my feelings with a word, with words, but no such word comes to mind or could even begin to encompass the thoughts and emotions surging through my being in this moment. My connections here are pulsing, the threads draw me to them; yet these most tender connections whisper of safety nets and comfort foods. I must break away…as sure as I know this trip is necessary to my soul, it strikes the deepest chords in my heart, also thrusts the most important aspect of my life onto the forefront of my mind: my relationships. My heart has ultimately ruled the final decisions I’ve made, I follow my heart, my emotions are the maestro of the orchestra that is my life. And I am in love…to leave behind what certainly isn’t and wasn’t and never was mine (and never will be), to begin anew, is the hardest part of leaving. It seems foolish to think about the relationship we have, at this point, I know. However, I can’t help but feel the way I do (and have) and have come to accept it. Aside from knowing he cares about me greatly, I don’t really know the depths of his feelings for me but it doesn’t matter, because I still feel the way I do about him. “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” I will be taking that with me along the journey; as well as the rest of the people who mean so very much to me. I was never “rich”, nor have strived to be so, nor do I intend to be particularly wealthy, strictly successful, I feel rich in love. I have never needed possessions, just the connections I have made with the people who are as dear to my heart as they are and have become. In that respect, I feel like richest person in the entire world. I’m only twenty-five, soon (very soon) to be twenty-six, and already I have had the opportunities to experience the emotions I have and feel the love I have made from the connections in my life, and to have been presented with the most beautifully amazing life…if my life is as good as it is already (and as good as one could hope for), how is it possible to get any better? I’m getting ready to find out what else is out there; what I have been waiting my whole life to find. And at such a sacrifice…self discovery and soul searching (although irreplacable and completely necessary) does come at a high cost: it means leaving behind everything you’ve ever known and felt to begin anew, to become the person you have always been, the person that has been laying dormant until the moment of discovery. I wanted a trip. I wanted to go. I got what I wanted and so much more….and I haven’t even left yet.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 1st, 2010 at 11:13 pm and is filed under Travel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.