A Fork in the Road
Is there a word in the English language that means “half-terrified, half-thrilled”? If so, I really need to incorporate it into my vocabulary.I canceled my October 1 ticket from Cairo to NYC yesterday. That’s canceled, not rescheduled. For the first time in my life, I’m overseas without a scheduled flight home. And that’s where this half-terrified, half-thrilled feeling comes in.I had the same blend of emotions when I first purchased my tickets for this round-the-world journey. After finalizing my plans with a travel agent around 2 in the morning, I hung up the phone, checked the e-mail confirming my $2,800 purchase of 6 months of travel insurance and flights to Asia, Africa, and the Middle East, and suddenly felt like I was going to throw up, pass out, or do both. I don’t know about the rest of you, but that tends to be my initial reaction to these kinds of huge, unknown life events. But then I spent the rest of the night lying awake in my bed, thinking about temples, forts, tropical beaches, and deserts, and feeling like I was on the brink of something incredible. Deep down, I knew that everything would be fantastic in the end.Really, I’ve known I would cancel this ticket for ages. I mentioned my plan to tons of people. I even accepted a teaching job that would last beyond my departure date. But when the time came to call my travel agent and finally cancel the ticket, I procrastinated. It’s one thing to casually talk about a life plan, another to actually take the first step toward realizing it. But, as I’m starting to understand, everything suddenly feels right, even pre-destined, when you do and you even wonder why you worried so much in the first place. (Now if I could only learn to skip the worried stage!)So, you ask, when do you plan to return to America? I have no idea. I’m applying for graduate school this fall, so I’ll need to return to the States (or move to England!) around August 2008 or so. But the time before that is a big blank page in my life calendar. Maybe I’ll ride a camel across North Africa. Maybe I’ll sell steaming cups of shai or tell fortunes to pedestrians in the streets of Amman, Damascus, and Istanbul. Maybe I’ll become a bellydancer. Maybe I’ll join a traveling circus and explore all those countries in Central Asia ending with “-stan” that no one knows anything about. Or maybe I’ll never leave Cairo, a city that I’m beginning to regard as an immense black hole for foreigners who planned to “just see the Pyramids” and then find themselves living like a local years later. In any case, as I realized on the night I purchased my tickets, I’m sure that the adventures awaiting me will be fantastic.
Tags: Cairo, Egypt, Musings, RTW 07/08
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I am crying – is there a word for feeling totally supportive but wanting to yank you back at the same time. I never want you to stop traveling – I just love you so much and I will continue to love the reading of the beautiful writing that you do
Love and more love to you both – aunt T