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Green Gulch Day 3: Dishes, garden, sitting

August 6th, 2007

The first gong rings at 4:25 a.m., and we are to be in the large, silent, unheated Zendo by 4:52 a.m. We sit for forty minutes, walk for ten minutes, sit for forty minutes again. During the first forty-minute sit, there are frequent bells and gongs, no doubt to help us stay awake, and then after the second forty-minute sit, we have a “service” of chanting, gongs, drums, bowing, incense, bells. I am surrounded by people who may be very interesting, but I don’t get to know them. We work in silence, and the only time we can engage in social talk is at meals. People tend to sit with their own groups at meal times. There are about 50 residents. I would guess two-thirds are men, most of them under 35 or around 60. The women seem older on average: mostly 40 or over, with a sprinkle of strong young things. Of the 50 or so residents, nearly half are in robes, suggesting they’ve made strong commitments. According to the literature, this place was established in 1972, but I know I heard of it in 1969. I think at that time a group of Buddhists from San Francisco were going “back to the land” and starting a farm. Maybe it only became an actual institution in 1972. Read the rest of this entry »

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Freezing my ass at Green Gulch

August 5th, 2007

Good God, it’s cold. The weather report says it is 61 degrees F (16 C), but the wind is blowing, and there is heavy mist in the blowing wind. The wet wind seeps into my old bones and makes me creak. The electricity was out for hours today, and the only way I could get warm enough to stop shivering was to plunge my hands in scalding dishwater up to the elbows. Fortunately, there was a need for dishwashing, so I spent several hours that way today. But for all I could see, I might as well have been in Cleveland in the winter. I’ve been indoors all day. I tried to get out and take a walk, but I turned back after about fifty feet of walking against the wind and what the people here call “mist”–slanting sheets of ice cold water in the air. I always thought that was rain, but whatever. This community is much more “religious” than any I’ve ever been in. That has its pros and cons. Read the rest of this entry »

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Arriving at Green Gulch

August 4th, 2007

I’m just back from a walk to the Pacific, and I have been filling up with tears at just about every turn in the path. I first heard of Green Gulch in 1969, and I have wanted to reach here ever since; so it’s now a place out of legend for me. I dreamed of coming here when, after my marriage to Christopher’s father ended, the two of them disappeared; but I had no money. I dreamed of coming here with Seth, but you can’t raise a child here. I dreamed of coming here when I decided to leave Smith, but I wanted to go to Africa first. So here I am. Here are the gardens, laid out in the sun; here is the trail to the beach; here are California dreamers in a cool wind, next to an icy Pacific. Some are in bikinis; some are in heavy fleece jackets and long pants. I rolled my pants up and stepped into the water and looked around me. I’m here. In California. That place of dream. Today I have free time till 6 p.m., and there are two computers available for residents who are not working. I don’t know how easy it will be to get to a computer as the week goes on and I begin my labor. But here’s where I am now. Read the rest of this entry »

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Leaving Upaya

August 2nd, 2007

Three things. Joan Halifax, Roshi for this center, gave a dharma talk last night, so I have a better sense of who she is as a teacher. Second, I had a formal interview with her this morning (Dokusan). She made a couple of helpful suggestions for my practice, and she reminded me that I don’t have much time left. I’m in my last years. It’s time. Choose well. Third, there was a meeting this morning for all residents and staff, and while the meeting was confidential, the theme as I understood it is that the real nature of this place is evolving. The system is finding its way. Some residents question whether it is primarily a retreat center for guests, which is how it makes its money, perpetuates itself, and offers service (to people who can afford the retreats); or is it a retreat center for residents, more like a monastery. Right now it is straddling both streams, and that is important for me to consider. If I come back, I will be in the company of some great spirits who are doing their utmost to create a mindful, conscious community. A few times a year, something like ten days will be set aside for deep practice. But I will be, for most of the first year I am here, and perhaps for more than that, a hotel housekeeper or restaurant worker. I take all of this in. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Buddhism, New Mexico, Where to plant myself | 1 Comment »

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Upaya Day 7: Kendall in Love

August 1st, 2007

Voila! I finally sorted out the visitors from the residents. The rich people’s retreat left, and with it all the people whose toilets I hadn’t wanted to clean. I’m sure I’m being horribly unfair and critical, so here’s a blanket apology–but let me say that my honest observation is that all the mindless ass-wipers are gone now. Today we actually had a “service” in the morning, and the place transformed from a summer camp for New Agers to a spiritual center of palpable power. I sat opposite the row of robed (and serious, highly trained, deeply committed) practitioners, and I felt a tsunami of love for them. Read the rest of this entry »

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Upaya Day 6: I want to run away

July 31st, 2007

I’m not doing this well. Most of my new friends have disappeared. Dawa and Hiumaya were gone for a second day today, Soham left last night for a week, Saro simply vanished, and if it weren’t for Rebecca and Rose (both of whom are generous in putting up with my neurosis) I’d have had no company but my own sour judgments of myself, although there are plenty of new people here. The big shots arrived today. Roshi Joan, the two nuns, and other people I don’t know. I feel overwhelmed by a thousand ways to be wrong. Today Rebecca (one of my four roommates, a woman in her fifties with good sense, my best confidante, who has been here three weeks and has committed to be here three months) and I had our instruction in “Temple Etiquette.” It lasted an hour. Our teacher was a lovely young nun with a beatific smile, who said something really lovely that I can’t now remember, as a way of introducing us to the “form.” I came back in a state of panic and wanted to make a funny poem out of it. I was going to just repeat what I’d heard, and my sense was that any sane person would find it hilarious. But I found myself really trying to repeat it, and the poem ended up being eight pages long, and not funny at all. Read the rest of this entry »

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Upaya 5th day: cooling off

July 30th, 2007

OK, it’s my fifth day, and the toilet thing and the vacuuming thing and the dishwashing thing are getting a little tiresome. So far, it’s like Rebecca said: sit, eat, work, rest. The emphasis is on the work. One retreat finished today, and the next begins the day I leave. So maybe, for the next two days, I will get a different sense of what it is to be here. Roshi is here. I haven’t seen her, but they say she’s here. Wednesday, the day before I leave, she’s set to give a dharma talk. At the moment I can’t see how being here is any different from being a laborer at a fancy summer camp for rich adults. There are moments when my neurosis links with someone else’s neurosis and we have interesting developments. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Buddhism, New Mexico, Where to plant myself | 1 Comment »

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The purpose of all this

July 29th, 2007

It’s my fourth day at Upaya. My time here is a little more than half gone. Spent the morning dusting the art and then polishing windows at Upaya House, a rust-colored two-story adobe building that provides rooms for a dozen retreat guests and has a meeting room, a large dining room, and two rooms upstairs marked “Private,” Roshi Joan’s personal space. She’s rumored to be arriving tonight or tomorrow. I loved dusting the art. There is shaman art all hairy and wild, Hindu art (Mother Durga, my personal favorite among the Hindu dieties), Hopi pots, Buddhist art (of course: statues, paintings, weavings, calligraphy), and a three-foot by two-foot rendering of the Virgen de Guadalupe surrounded by artificial roses. After the dusting and window cleaning I went back to my dorm and (are you ready for this?) cleaned three toilets, the small kitchen, and the laundry room, and I swept the walkways. By then it was almost noon. It started raining, so I lay on the comforter and listened to the rain. At what I thought was about 12:15 I headed out, checked the clock, and it was 12:25. Oops. Meditation starts at 12:20, and you can’t go in late. So here I am. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Buddhism, New Mexico | 3 Comments »

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News Flash: Dawa has a website!

July 28th, 2007

In the last 3 posts I’ve mentioned Dawa and Humaya, a Nepalese couple who live here at Upaya. This afternoon when I was checking my most recent blog post, Dawa passed through the computer room and saw my front page, with the picture of the Potala. He gasped. “Potala! Mama, I know this place! I been there many times. You know it has the highest toilet in the world.” That was totally apropos of my most recent post, but he went on to talk to me about his trekking experiences, and it turns out that a few years back, a woman from California made him a web site. So here it is, complete with photo gallery that shows you Dawa, his wife Humaya, and if you scroll down you can see his kids, his house in Nepal, the picture of him summiting in 1984 (just before he was in an avalanche and damaged his back): it’s www.familyhomestays.com and go to the photo gallery. (The Zen Center has a Mac with Mozilla, and I can’t make the WordPress link thingie work, so you’ll have to work it out for yourself if you’d like to see my new friends.) Dawa and Humaya have a story that would make a fascinating book. If I end up living at Upaya, I’m sure I’ll try to help them write it.

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Upaya: Day 3 of the time of my life

July 28th, 2007

It ought to be illegal to have this much fun. I’m deliriously happy, and delirious might be exactly the right word, but I don’t care. Happy works for me. Today I’ve cleaned five bathrooms with toilets, assisted at two meals and washed dishes, nursed a very sick Humaya (vomiting, headache, fever–but she’s better now after rosemary tea, peppermint tea, and a long time breathing with Kendall’s cold hands on her head: “Your hands so cool, they feel like water, Ma.”), and what else. Meditated twice so far; second time it was just Dawa and me. Oh yeah, best of all, cleaned up after lunch and then swept and mopped the kitchen and serving room floor with Soham, the coolest guy I’ve met yet. My altitude issues have passed, and I feel terrific. Want to hear more about all of this? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Buddhism, New Mexico, Prisons and Prisoners | No Comments »

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