Part 6: How am I back here again?
Once I’d decided that I was going to leave Amazon and accept the position at Vectone, I had to give my notice as soon as possible. I hate giving notice…it’s uncomfortable and no matter what the circumstances are I feel like I’m letting someone down. I felt particularly bad because I’d said that I would stay until at least the beginning of February and I would be leaving about a week earlier. It had taken a bit of time to be trained in the systems and software that Amazon uses and I knew it meant they would have to find someone else and start back from the beginning with training. When I explained my situation to my boss, Wendy, she was very understanding and happy for me that I’d found a permanent position and was going to be able to stay in the UK. I’d mentioned to her in my initial interview that that was what I was ultimately hoping for. It wasn’t as bad as I had thought, and once I’d done that I felt another weight lifting off my shoulders. I’d been under so much emotional stress over everything since after Christmas and I finally felt like things were starting to look up. I’d made some tough decisions, but I was finally ready to usher in the latest chapter of my choose-your-own-adventure life.
I was midway through my last week at Amazon when Wendy asked if she could speak to me in private. I know I’m a good worker, but whenever a manager pulls me aside I can’t help but get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I used to get when my mom told me to go to my room and wait until my father got home. I guess Wendy must have seen my concerned expression, because as we walked towards the stairwell she assured me that what she was going to tell me wasn’t bad. When we were finally alone she told me that she knew I had just accepted a permanent position, but that there was also a permanent position available at Amazon on the same team I had been working for that she wanted me to interview for. I was completely taken by surprise. I definitely would have preferred staying at Amazon because it’s a good company and there’s always the option later to transfer back to the States, I just wished she could’ve mentioned it to me a little sooner.
The Amazon thing threw me off again. I think I had about 5 days of smooth sailing where nothing bothered me and everything appeared to be working out in my favor, and then I had yet more things to consider. I swear to God, if worrying and thinking and weighing options were Olympic sports, I would take gold with miles of open water. Now I couldn’t go into my new job without thinking it might just be temporary…and then I’d have to go through yet another uncomfortable discussion with my boss to tell them I was leaving after only a few weeks if I were to be offered the Amazon job. That would be completely tacky and I hated to think how unprofessional of me it would be. Ultimately, I just had to accept that all I could really do was what was best for me, even if I felt guilty in the process. I set up an interview with Amazon for a little over a week later, the second Monday I’d be at my new job. I figured I’d just tell them when I started that I’d had a preexisting doctor’s appointment.
I was pretty stressed all weekend before I started the new job. I normally do get nervous whenever I start somewhere new, but this was beyond anything I’d ever experienced in the past. I tried to think positively and told myself that I might really like the job, but I just knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t going to be very good. When I interviewed everything seemed fine, but when they came back with a pitiful offer package, with a stupidly low salary, no sick pay, and other bottom of the barrel benefits, I began to wonder if I was being exploited because of my visa situation. They knew I needed one, and I guess they thought I was desperate enough to accept anything they threw at me in order to get one. Kevin had a similar hunch, especially when I told him that the company had told me they’re familiar with the visa process because they sponsor so many for all the other foreigners who work there.
It turned out that my misgivings weren’t completely unfounded. When I went in that first Monday morning I knew straight away that I wasn’t going to love the job and that if I got the Amazon position I would take it in a heartbeat. The first thing I had to do was sign a contract, which included an agreement I had to sign stating that I would waive my right to limit my working hours to 48 a week (a national law says that any excess of 48 hours requires overtime pay). There were lots of other little bits in the contract and in the new employee packet that made clear that this was like no place I’d ever worked for before. I just didn’t get a single friendly vibe at all. Even the other people who were working in the room where we were looked afraid that at any minute someone would walk through the doors with a whip to start cracking over their heads.
When I was taken up to my desk, I walked into the room and felt a sinking feeling right off the bat. There was a desk where the team manager sat, which looked out onto four other desks that faced a wall of windows. When I sat down it felt like the manager’s eyes were burning holes into the back of my head. I didn’t at all enjoy the feeling that I was under constant surveillance, not that I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to, or had any intention of doing so. I guess I’m just so used to being trusted to do good work that when I found myself in a position where I felt that I was being kept an eye on I didn’t appreciate it at all.
That day I was given a document to go over and edit for content and grammar for the Website. It was written by someone that spoke English as a second language, and who didn’t have the first clue how to write copy to sell a product. I spent the whole day pretty much re-writing one page of the Website, making it easier to understand the technical aspects of the product (a free Internet-based calling program) and making it as interesting and engaging as possible. I hadn’t actually seen the product, however, which made it a bit difficult to explain to others exactly what it was. It was really awful stuff. I called Kevin during my lunch hour and told him I hated it, and that was only half-way through the first day. I know this sounds very melodramatic of me—I know, because it sounded melodramatic to me coming out of my mouth when I was speaking to Kevin—but that’s just the point. I’ve never worked somewhere where I hated it so much during the first few hours (apart from the 4 hours I spent as a phone surveyor, but I don’t count that). I was just so glad that in my contract I had checked about the notice clause and found out I only had to give one day’s notice within the first month.
At the end of the day my manager said, “So, you finish the rest by tomorrow evening, yes?” She knew I had done one out of twelve over the course of the entire day. So this was the kind of person I was working for.
I went back the next day and finished the remaining eleven documents I had to edit/re-write. I had already decided to quit. It had taken all I could do not to walk out the very first day, but I wanted at least to go home and talk to Kevin and Kelly about it and get their opinions on the situation. I told Kevin that I couldn’t do that job for the foreseeable future, not even for a visa. He understood and agreed with me that it wasn’t worth being miserable over.
I pulled my manager aside before I left Tuesday and told her the next day would be my last day. She practically begged me not to go, and wanted to know every little reason why I wasn’t happy there. I explained to her that I’d had to take a pay cut when I accepted the job, and that what the job turned out to be and what I had expected were very different. I also said that the environment in the office was pretty toxic and didn’t lend itself at all to good morale. She then spoke to the HR rep that was in charge of hiring me and I then was called to her office for another similar chat, where I rehashed all of the same reasons for my leaving. She told me that the executives had already commented on the work I’d done and were impressed and that I was a great talent and would be rewarded for my work. I was quite happy with myself that I didn’t cave in like I always do, but rather told her that I knew I was a good worker and would therefore have no trouble finding a company that would give me benefits comparable to my abilities. It felt really good standing up for myself even though in hindsight I might have been shooting myself in the foot.
The entire next day I counted down the hours until I could leave. It was hard to believe I’d only been there three days…it felt like three years. What was odd was that my manager acted like I hadn’t told her it was my last day. She even asked me if I was coming out to lunch with the team the following day, which I answered with a look that said, “You’re kidding me, right?” Before I left that evening I sent my manager and the HR rep a final e-mail saying thanks for the opportunity but that I just didn’t feel that it had been a good fit. And then I put on my coat and ran to freedom.
So there I was, and here I am again—jobless and visaless. But I couldn’t help but be happy that I’d at least given it a go. If I hadn’t taken the job, I would have gone home and possibly regretted that decision and always wondered what would’ve happened had I taken it. And maybe if I hadn’t decided to leave Amazon they wouldn’t have been prompted to ask me to interview for the permanent position. Who knows…either way, I’d given it a shot. I’d made a decision, for right or for wrong, and it had worked out in some regards and not so much in others. I’m not sorry I did it, and I am definitely not sorry I left. My three days as a Copywriter definitely won’t be going on my resume, but I’m not crying about it any. In one way I felt a bit sick knowing that I was once again at the point where there was a very real possibility I would be going home if I don’t get the Amazon job, but at least I didn’t have any more decisions to make. Finally everything was out of my hands and I could just stop worrying about it at least for a few more days until I had the first interview at Amazon. If I got it, I’d take it…if I didn’t, I’d go home. Black and white.
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