After all these days of basking in the warm darshan glow of ashrams, ashram communities, and our ashram-run guesthouse, the divine has guided me and Claudia to accept our destiny as gurus.

1000 rupees, please.

Our ashram will be called "The Supreme Truth Community for Profound Depth". As long as you accept what we say and don't mind our penchant for buying solid-gold toilet seats (which one guru in India is quite partial to apparently), you may gladly continue to donate your membership fees and tend flowers, cook us naan (our favorite bread), and feed us sodas and beer until we pop, er, transcend this mortal plane for Nirvana.

You drive a hard bargain for enlightenment and salvation. 800 rupees.

Please excuse us while we burn our passports, buy some property, and seek out the first lost-looking westerners as followers ;-)

More from beachside restaurants south of Chennai...

Okay, okay — 500 rupees. (And a case of Kingfisher.) Step into the light, grasshopper, step into the light...