I'm not that keen on dolphins. I just find them a bit creepy with their staring eyes (do dolphins blink?) and squeaky shiny skin. If this ever happens to come up in conversation, people look at me as though I've just told them I like to eat babies. So I began to think that maybe it wasn't the dolphins that were the problem, that maybe it was me that was wrong. It's not you, it's me? I decided to try swimming with dolphins to see whether I'd like them more up close and personal, as it were.

Kaikoura is the marine mammal capital of New Zealand, where dolphins and seals and whales frolic in the chilly waters. I'd heard stories and seen pictures and videos from other people who'd travelled there and had amazing close encounters with these creatures. Aside from the fact that the water was around 10 degrees, what better place to bond with my new friends the dolphins?

I took the bus down there and got chatting with a guy from Souwf London who had decided to "live his dream" and was working as a skydive videographer in Arizona and training to be an instructor. He had started off doing a skydive in New Zealand a couple of years ago and loved it so much he decided to make a career out of it.

In Kaikoura, I made my way out along the coastal road, past all the cows and sheep with their lambs, to the seal colony, where seals were apparently so plentiful that you had to try not to trip over them. Well, when I was there... not so much. The seals were tiny little dots on a rock in the distance and there was just me and some other hapless people wandering around. We were entertained by a old hairy guy without a wetsuit going into the water to look for crayfish, but the thrill was short-lived. One bloke offered to let me hold his crayfish (like a big lobster without the pincers) but I politely declined. It was holding tightly to an abalone (paua) shell and I felt sorry for it, knowing that it would meet an unfortunate end shortly. I ended up getting a lift back to town with a possum hunter, which was pretty strange. New Zealanders have a fierce hatred of possums as they are an introduced pest and eat native eggs and vegetation, and there are possum fur products everywhere, and even possum pies.

I was excited about the dolphin swim and got up early the next morning to get kitted out in a 7mm full-length wetsuit, hood, booties, gloves, fins and snorkel. Once suited-up, we were all shown into a room to watch a video on how to swim with the dolphins. It sounded like they were real divas: they would only come over if they were interested in you and that mainly depended on whether you were entertaining enough - but they might also just not be in the mood. To make sure that you were entertaining for them, it was suggested that we sing through our snorkels. Right. I suppose otherwise, they might throw stroppy tantrums and swim off in a huff. The video then instructed us not to touch them or reach out to them and always maintain eye contact. How demanding are these creatures? They're like the Diana Ross of the marine world!

Anyway, we all piled onto the boat and had our safety briefing and... the swim was cancelled. Apparently the water was choppy and the dolphins weren't around. They hadn't even bothered to show up! Well. Their loss, I say.