Duuude!!!!

It’s been pretty safe to say that the last few days in Melbourne were much similar to holding back a waterfall of shit with an umbrella made of tissue paper. Not that it’s been all bad, but a couple of things in particular have almost pushed me over the edge of my sanity into a black abyss of alcohol and systematic violence.

Not only did a mechanic try and rip me off for about 1000 bucks, when what i needed ended up costing me around 100, but on the same day my rental agent tried to hit me and my housemate up for an extra months rent (about $1300) claiming we had breached a contract we had neither discussed or been informed of via any medium. Fuck you bitch.

Both these instances ended up with me on the phone for several hours negotiating with fucking morons and writing long, convoluted  emails to prevent us from being bent over by the automotive and real estate industries respectively. We did’nt end up paying shit to either of these shylock bastards, but goddammit, my time is precious muthafucka!!

You expect this type of shit  from a mechanic, they actually have an advantage in this type of thing as they have a trade and skills to back them up. I can’t fix a fucken Corolla, so all i can do is try to find the cheapest price and hope they fuck me gently. Real estate agents on the other hand cant go fuck themselves. They don’t know shit except for greed and sneakynes. The whole industry is run by a bunch of bitchy trophy wives and greasy, rat-bastard, effeminate men who will piss on your shoes and try to tell you it’s rain. Fuck’em.

Do you think it’s some sort of reflection on consumer society that rental pricing has gone up 500% in the past ten years? NO! It’s because of these filthy maggots. Bastards. If there are any real estate agents reading this: FUCK YOU!!! Get a real job, you scum!

Anyway, with that off my chest i can tell you that besides all this, my last days have been filled with matrimonial paperwork, carpet cleaning, storage units, shitbox removal ute’s, indian food, drunken poker matches with shark Koreans, 5 billion emails, the post office, packing, chucking HEAPS of shit out and a large quantity of headfucks and goodbyes. A word of advice: If you are moving towns and going on 5 month vacation at the same time DON’T leave everything until the last two weeks! You will instantaneously turn into a pushy pshycopath with the work ethic of a Wall street stock broker.

Ostensibly, you will become Patrick Bateman.

Thankfully, most of this is now behind us, and i am beginning to feel small waves of relief and exitement sweep over my body. Sort of like taking a dump on ecstasy. The idea that I am actually leaving for a 5 month vacation is becoming more and more real as time goes by. Tomorrow is our last full day here in Melbourne before we fly out, and I can’t say that I feel any great sentiment or sadness in leaving. Sure, Melbourne is a sweet city and I’ve had a fuckload of good times here (and shitload of crap ones aswell), but I’m glad to be getting out of here, away from the over priced cafe’s, shitty polluted beaches and self-centred, holier-than-thou, trendy wankers.

What I’m gonna miss the most about Melb’s is the Indian food. Oh, and my mates, but they’ll always be around. Plus, I don’t really like many of them that much anyway.

Tomorrow we’ve got a half busy day of errands, then a farewell dinner/piss up with mates befor we have to head to the airport at 3am for our 4o hour flight. Just thinking of it is making me tired as I write this from our motel room above Fitzroy Street. As I drift off I can hear English and Irish backpackers drunkenly talking shite with one another. I dream of sub-machine guns and atomic bombs.