Feissimo
“ME HUNGRY…heeheeheehee”
In Argentine Spanish, the Italian modifier “issimo” is often added to ordinary Spanish adjectives for exaggeration or emphasis. Add it to “feo,” which means “ugly,” and you have a perfect description of the pathetic attempt at sports just exhibited between the Home of the Brave and the Czech Republic: “feissimo.”
Seriously, it hurt watching our boys get absolutely manhandled like that. I’m by no means an authority on the game - but drawing from my invaluable experience as player-manager in the University of Michigan’s prestigous Intramural Soccer Indoor B-league, I can decisively say we did everything wrong. Good thing there was no one else in the bar to see it; a bunch of Argentines rolled through for lunch, had a laugh and a beer, and left before the worst match of the World Cup (thus far) finished. Really though, after our great showing in 2002, where we just barely lost to Germany - the eventual runner-up to the Championship - everyone was expecting much, much more. According to ESPN,
Eager to prove they are among soccer’s elite after their surprising quarterfinal finish in South Korea four years ago, the Americans brought their most-talented team ever to this year’s tournament.
Ha. Good thing we only have to beat Italy now. And even if we somehow scrape by to the next round, we’ll have to face Brazil, assuming the dismembering of Australia (in its 1st World Cup Ever) and Japan goes on as planned.
Like I said - I ain’t no expert. Aside from the aforementioned brief but heralded career, most of my soccer experience is limited to FIFA 2002 on Playstation 2 and my friend’s basement, where his dog Maggie is usually counted as a defender (it works surprisingly well - 2 extra legs offers a big advantage in a game where hands are illegal). So, in patriotic spirit and grave concern for my fellow countrymen, I’ve compiled a short list of what must change for out national squad to have a fair chance:
- No Flowing Hair - Look at the Italians. Look at the Argentines. Even look at the Czech Republic. Notice the long, flowing, sexy hair. Observe how good they are at the game. Surely this is more than coincidence; the best we have is some dude with a raggedy ponytail. Let it flow baby, just let it flowwwwwww.
- Taking Valium Before the Match: A serious no-no - Did you catch those shots of US coach Bruce Arena during the game? I’ve never in my life seen a more unemotional look on a team member’s face during any sporting event. Earth to Bruce - your team needs some sort of energy jolt to get them back on track, and look that says “far out man…faaar out” in the mold of Jeffrey Lebowski isn’t helping the situation.
- We need an Ogre - That absolute beast of a man on the Czech side, Jan Koller (pictured above), is more than essential as a forward. I swear he’d be the second coming of the BFG if he wasn’t so angry - as eating the soccer ball is against the rules he just heads it with a fury known only to men of his kind. He towers over everyone else and when there’s no action around he probably just growls and rubs his stomach, easily negating any potential defense.
Once we get our priorities straight and follow these tried and true strategies set down by the rest of the world, I think we’ll have a serious shot at this crazy game. Until then, we can only remain as outsiders playing a game called “soccer.”
Tags: Argentina, soccer, U.S., World Cup
June 13th, 2006 at 6:18 pm
Very nice analysis Mr.Rosen. You should have included highlights the summary from said kid who owned that basement where many games of mini-soccer were played. He picked apart the entire game better than any commentator ESPN could snag. It seems the only goal of the broadcast team is to compare everything in soccer to a major American sport to drum up false enthusiasm (ex. comparing a ball that might have crossed the plane and called a no goal in the first round to game 7 of a world series, 3-2 count, bases loaded…hardly a fit comparison). We have been watching the games in the office over here and I have to stiffle any attempts at outbursts during important “conference calls”. A term that epitomizes the horridness of a real job. Anyway, keep watching as we destroy the Italians after Totti decides to lie down on the pitch and cry for 88 of the 90 minutes…keep on playa
June 15th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
there is no better picture of anyone than that picture of that guy. and the caption is perfect. i very much appreciate the shout out to the basement, but i get a little choked up thinking about the good old days of us playing. since hair length is directly related to skill with a soccer ball at your feet, you should have improved since going to BA unless your skills can get cancelled out by dirty facial hair. thank you for those educational links. i couldn’t have lived without seeing two people play water polo on inner tubes. but sarcasm aside, i really don’t know if i could have lived without those lebowski quotes. i read every one of them, and it’s pretty much the entire script. it knocked a solid chunk of the work day. thanks.
June 18th, 2006 at 4:35 pm
well, what was the reaction now to the Itali-Usa game? It was a completely different game. The “garra” they showed is what we were all expecting on match one. Anyway Bruce Arena MUST go.
June 19th, 2006 at 12:57 pm
Like I said - I ´aint no expert. But I do think we played really well against Italy…especially considering how intimidating it must be to play against such storied names like Del Piero, Totti, etc. We actually figured out how to pass this game and looked like a post-high school squad. I think one series we probably spread the ball around 15 times or so without Italy touching it - that´s almost Argentina-caliber. It´s interesting how this whole group is shaping up, what with Ghana beating down the Czech Republic almost as bad as they beat us…anyway we shall see.
June 23rd, 2006 at 11:26 am
funny piece. tks.
June 24th, 2006 at 10:20 pm
Wow that goal in OT was beautiful! BA is going to be thumping tonight…