The Return To Kenyon!
Sunday, February 10th, 2008Driving from Cleveland to Kenyon isn’t all that difficult. I would make part of the trip during my drive from New York to Kenyon, however my drive was about 550 miles (9 hours) and Chris’ drive was 106 miles (2 hours). Sometimes I would think that it was unfair that some people had a really short drive to Kenyon compared to my 10 hour journey, but then I thought, they live in Ohio. It’s not that I have anything against Ohio. It’s just that you’re very limited with certain entertainment and life options when you’re in Amish country. Cleveland had a some fun bars and I’m sure it has a decent night scene if you know where to look, but it was very different than the night scene in New York, and well, Kenyon’s night scene couldn’t be compared in any way to New York’s.
En route to Kenyon, Chris and I made a stopover off of 71 to meet up with one of Kenyon’s faculty members who was Chris’ boss during the summer. We pulled off 71 at the exit to Kenyon and stopped at a Burger King nearby the highway where Chris had scheduled the rendezvous. We entered the fast food joint and Chris quickly found who we were meeting up with at a table by himself with a large notebook placed on the table top. For the next hour Chris talked with the professor and I sat to the side interested in what was being discussed, but also staying out of the conversation as Chris had asked me to do. I didn’t feel comfortable acting the part of a mute, so I’d chime in every now and then to seem human, and soon Chris and I were on our way to Kenyon.
The anticipation that grew from within me was unstoppable. I was going to Kenyon, and nothing was stopping me. I was facing some of the fears I had felt since last being at Kenyon in August. Five months had separated me from Kenyon, and I had numerous bad memories from my last trip. I was extremely excited to see Ira and Joe, and I had already had a ton of fun with Chris in the one day we had spent together in Cleveland, however I felt as if I needed my entourage to help me get through the challenges I felt Kenyon was going to throw at me in my day return. As we neared Mt. Vernon and eventually Gambier, my body went from extremely jumpy to very calm, almost too calm. I was re-entering my past, and there wasn’t much to be excited about other than seeing my friends.
Kenyon in the fall is one of the most beautiful areas I think I’ve ever seen in my life. The leaves are changing colors, the temperature is warm, and it’s tough to be upset with life. School is just starting, and you’re reacquainting yourself with old friends and meeting new friends every day. It’s the beginning of school, so the workload hasn’t piled up…yet…and your still trying to figure out what classes seem most interesting. It feels as if you’re starting with a clean slate, and it’s really tough to feel glum about anything going on at Kenyon. It’s really a great place in the fall I’ve always felt.
Then comes winter. From December through the end of February I’ve always thought of as the dog days of Kenyon. The weather is freezing, there’s snow everywhere and your always putting your well-being and health at risk whenever you leave your dorm. There’s a lot of dorm-cest usually, and it’s not surprising if you manage to pack on a few extra pounds. Until my senior year, when I was running regularly, I’d kick back, relax and wait for the Spring, and then when Spring came, I’d try to get back in decent shape. Winter at Kenyon has very few benefits I’ve always thought.
However, that’s when I was visiting Kenyon, right in the heart of winter - the end of January, beginning of February. I was surprised with how little snowfall Gambier had experienced - I guess global warming?, however I was glad to know that it wouldn’t be freezing during my day return. I was so shocked when I saw the campus on our drive up the hill that I had to constantly remind myself where I was - this wasn’t New York City any longer. This was Amish Country.
Students were walking down “Middle Path” (the walking path that goes from one side of campus (north) to the other side of campus (south)) holding hands, carrying books and bookbags, and sadly, not too many students were wearing smiles. I can’t blame them, because the weather was cold, and honestly, how great do you feel before going to class or immediately after a class. I was surprised by how few students were walking around, as I assumed most weren’t up this early on a Saturday, or they were hibernating. Chris dropped me off nearby the political science building because I was supposed to meet up with my academic advisor. Chris had appointments himself, and I was off to speak to my former professor.
Unfortunately, by the time I got to his office no one was there, so I left Horwitz House and started walking towards “downtown” Gambier. “Downtown” Gambier isn’t really that huge of a place, but it’s got a post office, a couple bars, a couple restaurants, a cafe, deli, some alumni buildings, a theatre, administrative buildings and the bookstore and market. It stretches about 400 yards and has these buildings on both sides of the streets with Middle Path separating two sections of streets. It takes no more than four minutes to walk the distance of downtown, and then you enter one of the residential areas of campus, the north side of campus. Instead of heading towards the North side of campus I headed to the bookstore and made my way to the travel section.
I would stop by the bookstore every day of my senior year and would always do the same thing. Without hesitation I’d enter the store and walk to the travel section and peruse through the Lonely Planet’s, hoping that the bookstore had acquired a few new titles. Usually I saw the regular title no one ever bought, “Australia,” “Eastern Africa,” “Italy,” etc., but I’d always read through them and check out their suggested itineraries and imagine myself in these foreign lands, wondering what I’d be doing if I were on the road. I’d do this EVERY DAY at Kenyon during my senior year, even when I was dating Suz. I don’t know what to make of it other than as something I did every day, like running.
I wasn’t sure who I’d bump into at the bookstore but I saw some familiar faces who responded to my arrival with a shocked, but pleasant reaction which made me feel as if I’d somehow left a positive impression on some of my former college mates. I chatted briefly with a few friends and heard that Ira and Joe were doing research on Chicago in the library, so I exited the bookstore and headed over to the library to see my former college roommates.
On my way to the library I saw a very tall guy leaving the library and making his way towards Middle Path. Unless there was a freshman who about 6′3″ with curly dark hair and glasses, I assumed it was my former roommate and close friend, Ira. We had last seen each other in New Orleans in mid-July during my 5 week road trip, where he had pledged his summer to helping re-build the city after Katrina. So much had happened in my life since our last encounter that I was somewhat shocked to see that he still looked like the same ol’ Ira, except this time he didn’t have mud all over him from building houses. We hugged as I almost injured his neck and then made our way into the library to see Joe. Joe’s hair wasn’t as long as I had expected after he said he had been growing it out, and actually looked relatively short. Joe had spent a few months in Japan, and for all intents and purposes was supposed to still be in Japan, at least for another six months, but his program went bankrupt and Joe impressively managed to move around Japan working and living in Tokyo and other cities before flying back to the States. I was, and still am, very impressed with what Joe did while he was abroad teaching English, and felt great when I saw that he was looking great after what I’d imagine had been a confusing post-graduation life. We all hugged and left the library to catch up over hot drinks at Middle Ground - the campus’ main cafe.
I ordered a hot chocolate with whipped cream, Joe got coffee, and Ira got tea as we made ourselves comfortable at a table. We talked about what we had recently been up to and what our immediate plans in the future were. Joe and Ira were planning on moving to Chicago in the very near future, and wanted me to join them in their move, which I would definitely be interested in doing, but couldn’t at this point because of my commitments to work. Talking with them I could tell that they were still trying to figure out what they wanted to do with their lives, and were looking for jobs to support them in Chicago.
While we talked about Chicago I couldn’t help but think about what my last trip in Chicago had been like. I drove there for my interview with SCORE! and stayed with a few female friends from Kenyon who had recently moved to Chicago, and saw the realities of moving to a new city without a job. It’s TOUGH! It made me seriously think about whether I really wanted to move to Chicago at this point in my life, and helped me decided to stick in NY for the near future. Perhaps these memories and the daunting thought of unemployment made me hesitant about committing to moving.
We chatted and then left Middle Ground. I had already seen most of the South part of campus where the academic buildings were located and wanted to see our old apartment, but before I could begin to convince Ira and Joe to follow me I saw a very different look in Joe’s eyes. A look that I may never forget because it looked as if Joe had seen a ghost, or a monster, or something really terrible. His eyes dilated as his pupils grew extremely large and his mouth twinged, as his entire face contorted in a way that made me shiver.
“Stu, we shouldn’t go that way. Believe me. We just shouldn’t,” Joe finally said something.
“What is it Joe?” I asked as I began to turn around but Joe grabbed my shoulder and said that we had to go the other way immediately, and make our way to the music building. I was trying to connect the pieces in my mind and it didn’t take long for me to imagine that Suz was behind me and was approaching us, and learned from Joe as we started walking towards the building that that’s who exactly it was.
When I heard this, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel, but I ended up feeling remorse that instead of confronting this situation I seemed to be running away from it, and that’s exactly not what I wanted to do if the situation came up. We walked over to the music building where Ira and Joe played the piano and I stood around listening to their music wondering what the rest of the day had in store for us.
Ira and Joe played some music on the piano as I chimed in with a little “Heart & Soul,” and “Old Time Rock & Roll,” before we decided that we had to find another activity to entertain us at Kenyon so we headed back to our old dorm/apartment - Bexley 101. Chris had asked me earlier in the day to wait until he had stopped by the apartment because he knew one of the girls who currently lived there and he was trying to find a place to sleep for the evening, but the three of us were looking for anything to do so we thought there wasn’t much harm in visiting our old stomping grounds. I can’t speak for Ira and Joe, but walking back to the apartment brought back many old memories from Senior and sophomore years for me. During my sophomore year I befriended the three girls who lived there and I ended up stopping by their apartment almost every day during my second semester before going abroad, and then I ended up living there during my senior year. There was a lot of personal history within those walls and I thought it’d be interesting to see its new inhabitants, as well as meeting the girl Chris was talking about.
We walked up to the apartment, passed a Toyota in the driveway as I thought to myself, “they can’t be bad people for owning a Toyota,” and then finally looked at the door not really sure what our next move should be. I thought having the Bexley 101 connection was good enough for us to be visiting so I knocked on the door as Ira and Joe jumped back a few feet before the door swung open and I was looking at a younger girl looking at me as if I were a crazy person.
“Hi, I used to live here when I was a senior last year, and was wondering how the apartment was doing,” was the only thing I could muster at the moment, and this was good enough to get us in the door. We introduced ourselves to the three girls as I saw that the girls had a totally different setup to the apartment than what Ira, Joe and I had. I don’t know how the three of us managed to acquire an extra couch and reclining chair, but our apartment was full of ratty furniture, but I loved that living room. I loved that apartment and everything that happened there. Whether it was the weekend parties, or jamming with the guys, or reading for my classes and chess games and risk games in the living room, or having a ton of fun in my room, the apartment had many memories and I was ecstatic to see it again. I looked into the bedrooms and laughed when I saw that the girl who lived in my old room was also a mess compared to her roommates. We quickly ran out of things to say and I saw that the girls were beginning to give us the cold shoulder so I thanked them for letting us look around and left with the guys. Now. we definitely had nothing to do other than get dinner.
Chris was nowhere around, and since he had his car we assumed he’d be able to meet up with us at Fiesta Mexicana - the most popular restaurant in Mt. Vernon, Ohio - the closest legitimate town to Kenyon. I had still managed to not encounter Suz which was somewhat disappointing and somewhat relieving. There’s no real good way of explaining in words the strange dynamic I was feeling about wanting to encounter Suz but also never wanting to see her again. Joe, Ira and I skipped the long line for Fiesta and made our way to the bar where I must have spoken to the only Mexican in the Knox County community, as we ordered a frozen margarita picture. We ordered our food and got something for Chris and talked about what our plans for the evening were going to be. Ira and Joe weren’t big fans of going to Phling that night, and I was somewhat hesitant myself. but there wasn’t much else to do, and I did return to Kenyon for Phling weekend so I thought that it would be dumb not to go to the party, at least for a little. I got chimichangas (a recent Mexican food favorite of mine) and when our food arrived Chris joined us at the bar. He’d been busy visiting professors and going to a religious service, and we spent the rest of the dinner eating our food, talking about nothing important and looking at some crazy movie on the television near the bar. We finished the meal, paid the tab and made our way back to our cars. Chris had managed to park about a half mile away from the restaurant which was somewhat shocking to me because there’s plenty of parking nearby Fiesta, but we eventually got to his car and and drove back to Kenyon. Driving through downtown Mt. Vernon brought back so many interesting memories. Whether it was walking in a “Take Back the Night Parade” with Kenyon Men, meeting up with Suz at Sips, or frantically driving around downtown looking for my soccer team for team pics. These are just a few of the numerous times I walked around downtown Mt. Vernon, but a ton of memories were triggered in my mind after dinner and I kind of missed those “simpler” Ohio times.
We got back to Kenyon and I got my suit from Chris’ car and made my way to the apartment we were staying in for the night. Chris had made other arrangements with another friend of his, but Ira, Joe and me were staying in the same room that evening. I threw my suit on, got ready for the party, and the three of us made our way down to the KAC (Kenyon Athletic Center) for the party. Once we got down there we quickly realized no one had arrived and the three of us were too sober still - at least I felt that I was too sober for the party. I thought that by going to this party I was inevitably forcing myself to see Suz and I didn’t know what that would be like. I had had a phenomenal time thus far at Kenyon and didn’t want something like that to mess up the rest of my trip. So we headed back to downtown Gambier and got a few drinks at The Village Inn - Gambier’s newest eating/drinking establishment. I got a whiskey/coke, and the four of us had something to drink before heading back down to the KAC. This time, there were a bunch of people at the party and we headed in.
I said hi to a bunch of people I hadn’t seen since graduating and made my way with Joe, Chris and Ira leading into the track area where the music was playing. A few seconds later I was in the heart of the crowd and wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing at Kenyon. I felt old, and out of place, and thought that everyone around me was so young. Even though the people at the party - the other Kenyon students - were 21, 20, 19 and 18 years old, and I’m 22, I felt as if EVERYONE was so much younger than me. I didn’t feel as if I was part of the Kenyon community any longer, but kept preoccupied dancing with four different girls throughout the night.
It didn’t take long into the party when I looked over Ira’s shoulder at one point and saw Suzanna. For months I wondered how I would feel and what I would think when I saw her again, if I ever saw her again, and this uncertainty provided plenty of anxiety within my mind. The last time I had seen her I was dating her and thought she was beautiful, but this was in August - and we were in February and were no longer dating. Well, I saw her, and the only thought that ran through my mind was - “Wow, I dated that girl, and I’m no longer attracted to her.” It was a completely bizarre realization and thought because I felt a little disappointed with myself. For months I cared about her and thought she was really attractive in so many ways, and then felt terrible after the relationship ended, but now that I saw her in person I could only laugh at myself. The relationship experience had been an incredible experience for me in so many ways, and was probably the best experience of my life, but I realized in that split-second moment that that entire experience was in my past and I was totally fine with it being over. I had dealt with so much adversity since then and felt that I had accomplished a ton of things since the relationship had ended and I was so happy to realize that I just didn’t care any longer, and it was phenomenal for me to actually realize that instead of wondering if I had feelings for her. Well, this realization led to a reasonable reaction. I jumped, skipped, hopped, cartwheeled, danced, hugged, shouted, screamed, hooted and hollered that I had totally moved on in my life and had no feelings towards her. Well, the rest of the night included me dancing with old friends, new friends and actually encountering Suz twice more where she waved to me and I acknowledged her and that was that. I guess I was amazed that I had nothing to tell her, nor say to her or anything. It was sweet.
After dancing for a few hours, Joe, Ira and I made our way back to our room, and Chris headed to his room. I had seen my ex-girlfriend and I had thought of the situation as hilarious. I didn’t yearn to be with her or talk to her or anything, but I loved how I had at one time really cared about her and knew her. It was bizarre and hilarious. Saturday and Kenyon was totally productive and the fact that I was able to make about five different girls night’s that much more enjoyable by dancing with them I felt that I had had a successful Phling 08. The next day I had planned to see two faculty members I had become close with during my time at Kenyon, before taking off for Cleveland. But that was for the next day.