Travels With Stu

I woke up surprisingly relaxed and well-rested after sleeping in a sleeping bag for the first time in about five years. I don’t know why I don’t already own a sleeping bag but it would probably be extremely useful for some trip in my future and would probably end up saving me a ton of money as well. I had been startled earlier in the morning when a girl stepped on me as she exited one of the bedroom’s after what I’d imagine was an enjoyable night, and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was planning on meeting up with a couple faculty members, but before anything, I was going on a run.

This run wasn’t my typical 45 minute run which I’ve become accustomed to since graduating, because I was back in Ohio. I thought that it would be phenomenal to run through the hills and re-live those wonderful memories I had during my extensive running sessions throughout my senior year. Every day from the return of my winter break trip essentially to my marathon I was running around Kenyon, whether it was indoors at the Kenyon Athletic Center, or along the numerous trails or roads connecting Kenyon to the “real world.” Running was my escape from my studies and life at Kenyon. It was my traveling substitute and I loved having an hour to myself every day. Whether I was stressing over my academic responsibilities, unemployment, not hearing back from jobs, women, my relationship, my friends, or whatever else created stress in my life, I ALWAYS found peace of mind during my runs. I became addicted to running outdoors and actually became worried of letting Suz join me on runs because I didn’t feel comfortable associating my runs with her. Running was my time, and my escape and was extremely personal to me. However, Suz and I did go on a few runs towards the end of the year, and they were usually enjoyable even though I had to slow down my usual pace to run with her. It was enjoyable having her around, however I never had an intense workout during our runs, which was fine, I really enjoyed her company.

So I started running my old, familiar route and only a few minutes into the run I realized that New York and Ohio differed dramatically in one very important respect. The Midwest is hilly and the East Coast isn’t. I wasn’t tired or dying or anything during my 30 minute run, however I was somewhat concerned with how good of shape I initially thought I was in. I know I’m in damn good shape compared to what I had been in when I first got to Kenyon, but I didn’t know if I was in good enough shape to run a half-marathon. I became worried that I was actually getting slower even though I had been running regularly for over a year, and the half-marathon would be too much of a challenge. Fifteen minutes into my run I was somewhat glad that I could turn around and head back to campus. I still remained concerned about how I’ll feel come the marathon in late April even though I pushed my running limits this past weekend with a 2 and a half hour run in Central Park.

I returned to campus and passed Gambier’s water tower and made my way to Middle Ground to meet up with a close friend of mine and a faculty member of Kenyon who was an advisor of Kenyon Men. Kenyon Men was a group I was a member of which organized activities for the local community and Kenyon where male students would try to better the community whether we walked for “Take Back The Night,” sold pies to for fundraisers, or organized campus dances and events to raise awareness of proper relationship etiquette. I always thought the group had a solid goal, and wished that they had an ever greater influence on the Kenyon community.

We got a drink and talked for 45 minutes or so on how each of our lives had been since May and it seemed as if he had dealt with a lot of challenges at Kenyon and in his personal life since I had left Kenyon and I felt foolish thinking that my biggest concerns since graduating were finding a job-which is a serious and legitimate concern - but also dealing with a long-distance relationship and then dealing with the break-up. The latter seemed so foolish and ridiculous compared to real-life problems. We finished our drinks and I ran over to my academic advisor’s office for another meeting.

I’d like to remind you that I had just finished my morning run and was still wearing my running outfit. I don’t know what most people wear when they go running outdoors in the winter, but the people I’ve seen usually wear a sweater, hat, gloves and sometimes leggings. I have been running in the same outfit for over a year when it’s cold, and frankly, I look somewhat ridiculous whenever I go running in the winter. While running through the hills of Gambier I was sporting my black leg tights, my upper body tights (both by Under Armour), a pinwheeled winter cap which has black and white stripes, brown gloves, white sneakers and red runners shorts which are VERY short. I’m definitely a spectacle during my runs and even though I may look somewhat attractive wearing such tight clothing and looking fit and everything, the clash of the brown, blue, white, black and red must make me look like a clown, and my former academic advisor’s reaction to my outfit confirmed this thought.

I hadn’t spoken to my academic advisor since graduation, and although we had been in contact email here and there during the past 9 months, he had essentially left my immediate life. So I was thrilled to see him, and was even more excited when I saw his enthusiastic reception when I entered his office. I talked about what I had been up to and he filled me in with how things were going at Kenyon, and that his wife had had the plane trip from hell this weekend to see her parents and he’d have to pick her up later in the afternoon. I brought up how young everyone seemed at Kenyon even though I was still very close to the students in age, and he surprisingly agreed with this belief, and told me that with every passing year the students seem that much younger. I thought that was terrifying and let him know that I probably would be coming back to Kenyon for the Earth Day Marathon and then not returning until some type of reunion.

I left the meeting feeling as if I had accomplished everything I wanted to during my return to Kenyon and really felt great with how the weekend went. Nothing too strange happened, and it seemed as if everything went my way. I saw my friends, my professors, went dancing, didn’t feel extremely awkward being back at Kenyon, affirmed the belief that I no longer cared about Suz, and left thinking that Kenyon and everything associated with it was part of my past and I was doing a great job moving into the future.

I left Gambier thinking about the article I was responsible for Scholastic, and also appreciating how wonderful my friends were during the weekend. I felt as if Chris, Ira and Joe were there to help me out in case I felt awkward being back, and that was such an incredible feeling. Living in New York by myself creates a sense of detachment from my peers, friends and family because they aren’t always around even though they may be nearby. But for this three day weekend I was able to realize how close my bonds of friendship had become with some people at Kenyon and how incredible it is to realize those types of friendships survive even though you’re no longer constantly surrounded by old friends. Having Chris, Joe and Ira around was so phenomenal in so many ways. I felt as if I was done with Kenyon and what Gambier and Ohio had to offer, but I also felt torn that I had to say good-bye to some of my closest friends in the world only after a couple days.

My biggest challenge and what made the weekend so interesting and anxiety-ridden was the anticipation of what it would be like to see Suz. I didn’t know if I’d feel terrible, or sad, or angry, or upset. I wasn’t sure if I’d still think she was beautiful, or cute, or sexy, or possibly even ugly, or unattractive. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel if I saw her with another guy, or what it’d be like when we crossed paths. I didn’t know what I’d say to her, or even if there was anything I had to say to her if we saw each other. I was terrified to still be attracted to her, and was also concerned if I was no longer attracted to her. I wanted to be attracted to her in some degree because that would affirm why I once dated her. I didn’t want to think she was ugly or despicable because at one time I had really cared about her. However, and most importantly probably, I wanted to know if I still had feelings for her, whether they were small or strong. I was terrified that if there was even one iota of attraction to her I’d be hurt in some way, but I was also concerned and thought it’d be weird if I was no longer attracted to her. Ridiculous thoughts like this had swarmed my mind for months because the last time I had seen her we were a couple. Not having closure made things very strange.

Fortunately, in the first millisecond I saw her at Phling all the important questions and concerns in my mind were answered and I felt the biggest relief I had felt in a long time. I had reached my own closure in my mind, and felt that Kenyon and everything attached to it was officially part of my past. I was definitely more of an adult than I ever had been at Kenyon because life forces you into that role after graduating, and everyone around me seemed in a different world, including Suz. This world was a world filled with students and kids and classes, and a sense of security and order. I had infinitely matured since graduation on so many fronts and this realization came to fruition when I saw Suz. I felt that I had taken life and all the challenges one faces immediately after graduating from college and faced them like an adult, and I felt as if I had done reasonably, if not extremely well in this new life. The strangest part about this realization was that I couldn’t really explain it to anyone, not even my peers.

I could try to explain it to Chris, Ira and Joe, but each of us had had such different life experiences since graduating that I didn’t think I could truly connect with them in this regard. I tried connecting with my advisors but they had experienced something similar decades back and were now in completely different worlds and mindsets. I tried connecting with other current alums I saw during my day at Kenyon but they too seemed to be in their own world figuring things out with very little direction and a ton of anxiety and insecurity about the future. I tried helping current Seniors realize the craziness of the post-college life, but it’s impossible to explain the harsh realities of the post-college world to people who can’t actually realize those challenges until it’s thrust upon them. And although I didn’t try connecting with Suz during the weekend, I already knew from the previous summer and fall, and seeing her at Phling that she was still a kid at school, and I was a kid out of school having to deal with the “real world,” and this separation in mindsets was extremely important and different. Perhaps I had nothing to tell her or felt no motivation to speak with her because there was nothing to really say. Perhaps that realization was the most interesting part of the entire weekend. Realizing how two people can become so close at one point, and then seem so distant at another. Some people may find that sad, I don’t know, but I found it extremely relieving, exhilarating and most importantly, very humorous. The post-college world is anything but easy I’ve realized and experienced, but being back at Kenyon put my post-college accomplishments and achievement in a completely new perspective and I was damn proud of myself that I was able to accomplish so much while I was at Kenyon and in college, and even more proud of myself to know that I’ve been able to stay afloat during the insanity of being a recent college grad, and I probably wouldn’t have been able to accomplish nearly as much had it not been for my Kenyon friends, as well as my New York friends and I’m damn lucky to have such a great group of people as a part of my life. OK this is now too damn sappy for me. But the weekend was great and I’m very happy because of the trip.

Driving from Cleveland to Kenyon isn’t all that difficult. I would make part of the trip during my drive from New York to Kenyon, however my drive was about 550 miles (9 hours) and Chris’ drive was 106 miles (2 hours). Sometimes I would think that it was unfair that some people had a really short drive to Kenyon compared to my 10 hour journey, but then I thought, they live in Ohio. It’s not that I have anything against Ohio. It’s just that you’re very limited with certain entertainment and life options when you’re in Amish country. Cleveland had a some fun bars and I’m sure it has a decent night scene if you know where to look, but it was very different than the night scene in New York, and well, Kenyon’s night scene couldn’t be compared in any way to New York’s.

En route to Kenyon, Chris and I made a stopover off of 71 to meet up with one of Kenyon’s faculty members who was Chris’ boss during the summer. We pulled off 71 at the exit to Kenyon and stopped at a Burger King nearby the highway where Chris had scheduled the rendezvous. We entered the fast food joint and Chris quickly found who we were meeting up with at a table by himself with a large notebook placed on the table top. For the next hour Chris talked with the professor and I sat to the side interested in what was being discussed, but also staying out of the conversation as Chris had asked me to do. I didn’t feel comfortable acting the part of a mute, so I’d chime in every now and then to seem human, and soon Chris and I were on our way to Kenyon.

The anticipation that grew from within me was unstoppable. I was going to Kenyon, and nothing was stopping me. I was facing some of the fears I had felt since last being at Kenyon in August. Five months had separated me from Kenyon, and I had numerous bad memories from my last trip. I was extremely excited to see Ira and Joe, and I had already had a ton of fun with Chris in the one day we had spent together in Cleveland, however I felt as if I needed my entourage to help me get through the challenges I felt Kenyon was going to throw at me in my day return. As we neared Mt. Vernon and eventually Gambier, my body went from extremely jumpy to very calm, almost too calm. I was re-entering my past, and there wasn’t much to be excited about other than seeing my friends.

Kenyon in the fall is one of the most beautiful areas I think I’ve ever seen in my life. The leaves are changing colors, the temperature is warm, and it’s tough to be upset with life. School is just starting, and you’re reacquainting yourself with old friends and meeting new friends every day. It’s the beginning of school, so the workload hasn’t piled up…yet…and your still trying to figure out what classes seem most interesting. It feels as if you’re starting with a clean slate, and it’s really tough to feel glum about anything going on at Kenyon. It’s really a great place in the fall I’ve always felt.

Then comes winter. From December through the end of February I’ve always thought of as the dog days of Kenyon. The weather is freezing, there’s snow everywhere and your always putting your well-being and health at risk whenever you leave your dorm. There’s a lot of dorm-cest usually, and it’s not surprising if you manage to pack on a few extra pounds. Until my senior year, when I was running regularly, I’d kick back, relax and wait for the Spring, and then when Spring came, I’d try to get back in decent shape. Winter at Kenyon has very few benefits I’ve always thought.

However, that’s when I was visiting Kenyon, right in the heart of winter - the end of January, beginning of February. I was surprised with how little snowfall Gambier had experienced - I guess global warming?, however I was glad to know that it wouldn’t be freezing during my day return. I was so shocked when I saw the campus on our drive up the hill that I had to constantly remind myself where I was - this wasn’t New York City any longer. This was Amish Country.

Students were walking down “Middle Path” (the walking path that goes from one side of campus (north) to the other side of campus (south)) holding hands, carrying books and bookbags, and sadly, not too many students were wearing smiles. I can’t blame them, because the weather was cold, and honestly, how great do you feel before going to class or immediately after a class. I was surprised by how few students were walking around, as I assumed most weren’t up this early on a Saturday, or they were hibernating. Chris dropped me off nearby the political science building because I was supposed to meet up with my academic advisor. Chris had appointments himself, and I was off to speak to my former professor.

Unfortunately, by the time I got to his office no one was there, so I left Horwitz House and started walking towards “downtown” Gambier. “Downtown” Gambier isn’t really that huge of a place, but it’s got a post office, a couple bars, a couple restaurants, a cafe, deli, some alumni buildings, a theatre, administrative buildings and the bookstore and market. It stretches about 400 yards and has these buildings on both sides of the streets with Middle Path separating two sections of streets. It takes no more than four minutes to walk the distance of downtown, and then you enter one of the residential areas of campus, the north side of campus. Instead of heading towards the North side of campus I headed to the bookstore and made my way to the travel section.

I would stop by the bookstore every day of my senior year and would always do the same thing. Without hesitation I’d enter the store and walk to the travel section and peruse through the Lonely Planet’s, hoping that the bookstore had acquired a few new titles. Usually I saw the regular title no one ever bought, “Australia,” “Eastern Africa,” “Italy,” etc., but I’d always read through them and check out their suggested itineraries and imagine myself in these foreign lands, wondering what I’d be doing if I were on the road. I’d do this EVERY DAY at Kenyon during my senior year, even when I was dating Suz. I don’t know what to make of it other than as something I did every day, like running.

I wasn’t sure who I’d bump into at the bookstore but I saw some familiar faces who responded to my arrival with a shocked, but pleasant reaction which made me feel as if I’d somehow left a positive impression on some of my former college mates. I chatted briefly with a few friends and heard that Ira and Joe were doing research on Chicago in the library, so I exited the bookstore and headed over to the library to see my former college roommates.

On my way to the library I saw a very tall guy leaving the library and making his way towards Middle Path. Unless there was a freshman who about 6′3″ with curly dark hair and glasses, I assumed it was my former roommate and close friend, Ira. We had last seen each other in New Orleans in mid-July during my 5 week road trip, where he had pledged his summer to helping re-build the city after Katrina. So much had happened in my life since our last encounter that I was somewhat shocked to see that he still looked like the same ol’ Ira, except this time he didn’t have mud all over him from building houses. We hugged as I almost injured his neck and then made our way into the library to see Joe. Joe’s hair wasn’t as long as I had expected after he said he had been growing it out, and actually looked relatively short. Joe had spent a few months in Japan, and for all intents and purposes was supposed to still be in Japan, at least for another six months, but his program went bankrupt and Joe impressively managed to move around Japan working and living in Tokyo and other cities before flying back to the States. I was, and still am, very impressed with what Joe did while he was abroad teaching English, and felt great when I saw that he was looking great after what I’d imagine had been a confusing post-graduation life. We all hugged and left the library to catch up over hot drinks at Middle Ground - the campus’ main cafe.

I ordered a hot chocolate with whipped cream, Joe got coffee, and Ira got tea as we made ourselves comfortable at a table. We talked about what we had recently been up to and what our immediate plans in the future were. Joe and Ira were planning on moving to Chicago in the very near future, and wanted me to join them in their move, which I would definitely be interested in doing, but couldn’t at this point because of my commitments to work. Talking with them I could tell that they were still trying to figure out what they wanted to do with their lives, and were looking for jobs to support them in Chicago.

While we talked about Chicago I couldn’t help but think about what my last trip in Chicago had been like. I drove there for my interview with SCORE! and stayed with a few female friends from Kenyon who had recently moved to Chicago, and saw the realities of moving to a new city without a job. It’s TOUGH! It made me seriously think about whether I really wanted to move to Chicago at this point in my life, and helped me decided to stick in NY for the near future. Perhaps these memories and the daunting thought of unemployment made me hesitant about committing to moving.

We chatted and then left Middle Ground. I had already seen most of the South part of campus where the academic buildings were located and wanted to see our old apartment, but before I could begin to convince Ira and Joe to follow me I saw a very different look in Joe’s eyes. A look that I may never forget because it looked as if Joe had seen a ghost, or a monster, or something really terrible. His eyes dilated as his pupils grew extremely large and his mouth twinged, as his entire face contorted in a way that made me shiver.

“Stu, we shouldn’t go that way. Believe me. We just shouldn’t,” Joe finally said something.

“What is it Joe?” I asked as I began to turn around but Joe grabbed my shoulder and said that we had to go the other way immediately, and make our way to the music building. I was trying to connect the pieces in my mind and it didn’t take long for me to imagine that Suz was behind me and was approaching us, and learned from Joe as we started walking towards the building that that’s who exactly it was.

When I heard this, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel, but I ended up feeling remorse that instead of confronting this situation I seemed to be running away from it, and that’s exactly not what I wanted to do if the situation came up. We walked over to the music building where Ira and Joe played the piano and I stood around listening to their music wondering what the rest of the day had in store for us.

Ira and Joe played some music on the piano as I chimed in with a little “Heart & Soul,” and “Old Time Rock & Roll,” before we decided that we had to find another activity to entertain us at Kenyon so we headed back to our old dorm/apartment - Bexley 101. Chris had asked me earlier in the day to wait until he had stopped by the apartment because he knew one of the girls who currently lived there and he was trying to find a place to sleep for the evening, but the three of us were looking for anything to do so we thought there wasn’t much harm in visiting our old stomping grounds. I can’t speak for Ira and Joe, but walking back to the apartment brought back many old memories from Senior and sophomore years for me. During my sophomore year I befriended the three girls who lived there and I ended up stopping by their apartment almost every day during my second semester before going abroad, and then I ended up living there during my senior year. There was a lot of personal history within those walls and I thought it’d be interesting to see its new inhabitants, as well as meeting the girl Chris was talking about.

We walked up to the apartment, passed a Toyota in the driveway as I thought to myself, “they can’t be bad people for owning a Toyota,” and then finally looked at the door not really sure what our next move should be. I thought having the Bexley 101 connection was good enough for us to be visiting so I knocked on the door as Ira and Joe jumped back a few feet before the door swung open and I was looking at a younger girl looking at me as if I were a crazy person.

“Hi, I used to live here when I was a senior last year, and was wondering how the apartment was doing,” was the only thing I could muster at the moment, and this was good enough to get us in the door. We introduced ourselves to the three girls as I saw that the girls had a totally different setup to the apartment than what Ira, Joe and I had. I don’t know how the three of us managed to acquire an extra couch and reclining chair, but our apartment was full of ratty furniture, but I loved that living room. I loved that apartment and everything that happened there. Whether it was the weekend parties, or jamming with the guys, or reading for my classes and chess games and risk games in the living room, or having a ton of fun in my room, the apartment had many memories and I was ecstatic to see it again. I looked into the bedrooms and laughed when I saw that the girl who lived in my old room was also a mess compared to her roommates. We quickly ran out of things to say and I saw that the girls were beginning to give us the cold shoulder so I thanked them for letting us look around and left with the guys. Now. we definitely had nothing to do other than get dinner.

Chris was nowhere around, and since he had his car we assumed he’d be able to meet up with us at Fiesta Mexicana - the most popular restaurant in Mt. Vernon, Ohio - the closest legitimate town to Kenyon. I had still managed to not encounter Suz which was somewhat disappointing and somewhat relieving. There’s no real good way of explaining in words the strange dynamic I was feeling about wanting to encounter Suz but also never wanting to see her again. Joe, Ira and I skipped the long line for Fiesta and made our way to the bar where I must have spoken to the only Mexican in the Knox County community, as we ordered a frozen margarita picture. We ordered our food and got something for Chris and talked about what our plans for the evening were going to be. Ira and Joe weren’t big fans of going to Phling that night, and I was somewhat hesitant myself. but there wasn’t much else to do, and I did return to Kenyon for Phling weekend so I thought that it would be dumb not to go to the party, at least for a little. I got chimichangas (a recent Mexican food favorite of mine) and when our food arrived Chris joined us at the bar. He’d been busy visiting professors and going to a religious service, and we spent the rest of the dinner eating our food, talking about nothing important and looking at some crazy movie on the television near the bar. We finished the meal, paid the tab and made our way back to our cars. Chris had managed to park about a half mile away from the restaurant which was somewhat shocking to me because there’s plenty of parking nearby Fiesta, but we eventually got to his car and and drove back to Kenyon. Driving through downtown Mt. Vernon brought back so many interesting memories. Whether it was walking in a “Take Back the Night Parade” with Kenyon Men, meeting up with Suz at Sips, or frantically driving around downtown looking for my soccer team for team pics. These are just a few of the numerous times I walked around downtown Mt. Vernon, but a ton of memories were triggered in my mind after dinner and I kind of missed those “simpler” Ohio times.

We got back to Kenyon and I got my suit from Chris’ car and made my way to the apartment we were staying in for the night. Chris had made other arrangements with another friend of his, but Ira, Joe and me were staying in the same room that evening. I threw my suit on, got ready for the party, and the three of us made our way down to the KAC (Kenyon Athletic Center) for the party. Once we got down there we quickly realized no one had arrived and the three of us were too sober still - at least I felt that I was too sober for the party. I thought that by going to this party I was inevitably forcing myself to see Suz and I didn’t know what that would be like. I had had a phenomenal time thus far at Kenyon and didn’t want something like that to mess up the rest of my trip. So we headed back to downtown Gambier and got a few drinks at The Village Inn - Gambier’s newest eating/drinking establishment. I got a whiskey/coke, and the four of us had something to drink before heading back down to the KAC. This time, there were a bunch of people at the party and we headed in.

I said hi to a bunch of people I hadn’t seen since graduating and made my way with Joe, Chris and Ira leading into the track area where the music was playing. A few seconds later I was in the heart of the crowd and wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing at Kenyon. I felt old, and out of place, and thought that everyone around me was so young. Even though the people at the party - the other Kenyon students - were 21, 20, 19 and 18 years old, and I’m 22, I felt as if EVERYONE was so much younger than me. I didn’t feel as if I was part of the Kenyon community any longer, but kept preoccupied dancing with four different girls throughout the night.

It didn’t take long into the party when I looked over Ira’s shoulder at one point and saw Suzanna. For months I wondered how I would feel and what I would think when I saw her again, if I ever saw her again, and this uncertainty provided plenty of anxiety within my mind. The last time I had seen her I was dating her and thought she was beautiful, but this was in August - and we were in February and were no longer dating. Well, I saw her, and the only thought that ran through my mind was - “Wow, I dated that girl, and I’m no longer attracted to her.” It was a completely bizarre realization and thought because I felt a little disappointed with myself. For months I cared about her and thought she was really attractive in so many ways, and then felt terrible after the relationship ended, but now that I saw her in person I could only laugh at myself. The relationship experience had been an incredible experience for me in so many ways, and was probably the best experience of my life, but I realized in that split-second moment that that entire experience was in my past and I was totally fine with it being over. I had dealt with so much adversity since then and felt that I had accomplished a ton of things since the relationship had ended and I was so happy to realize that I just didn’t care any longer, and it was phenomenal for me to actually realize that instead of wondering if I had feelings for her. Well, this realization led to a reasonable reaction. I jumped, skipped, hopped, cartwheeled, danced, hugged, shouted, screamed, hooted and hollered that I had totally moved on in my life and had no feelings towards her. Well, the rest of the night included me dancing with old friends, new friends and actually encountering Suz twice more where she waved to me and I acknowledged her and that was that. I guess I was amazed that I had nothing to tell her, nor say to her or anything. It was sweet.

After dancing for a few hours, Joe, Ira and I made our way back to our room, and Chris headed to his room. I had seen my ex-girlfriend and I had thought of the situation as hilarious. I didn’t yearn to be with her or talk to her or anything, but I loved how I had at one time really cared about her and knew her. It was bizarre and hilarious. Saturday and Kenyon was totally productive and the fact that I was able to make about five different girls night’s that much more enjoyable by dancing with them I felt that I had had a successful Phling 08. The next day I had planned to see two faculty members I had become close with during my time at Kenyon, before taking off for Cleveland. But that was for the next day.

The post-college world is very strange and weird. I've only said it half a million times since I've graduated, and I'll probably say it for the rest of my life. However, after my most recent trip to Kenyon & ... [Continue reading this entry]