AWOL Geordie - Steve’s global adventure

I’ve had a busy time recently. Although it is hard to quantify what, exactly, I’ve been doing. Due to all this free internet access I’ve been glued to this damn computer for days on end. They had to shoe-horn me out of the seat the other day. I’ve joined facebook and myspace which is something I’ve never had enough ‘online time’ to do before. I’ve been chatting to people in Guangzhou, quizzing them on all things Cantonese. I’ve been completing the final few tasks regarding job applications. I’ve been trying to buy cheap laptops and phones online through ebay etc.

The problem here is all the Malay lads that hang out here have all the latest laptops and mobile phones. I had neither until today and I am ashamed to say I felt a little inadequate. How pathetic. Anyway, I do miss posting pics on here and having the chance to text people now and then so I thought I would go and buy a new mobile. I researched a bit and settled on a Nokia 3500 classic:

It has a 2MP camera which was the clincher. I shoved a 256MB microSD card in it and purchased a small USB card reader with which to upload my art. The total cost was:

Mobile: 355RM

MicroSD card: free (I salvaged it from my wrecked Nokia E65)

USB reader: 10RM

So, after much negotiation (I haggled a 10RM discount) I handed over 365RM which at today’s  exchange rate of 1gbp = 5.42RM is 67gbp. Luckily for me the gbp has crept up slightly against the RM. It was 4.9 when I arrived but has recovered to a respectable 5.4 within the last 10 days. Now, I’m armed with a camera in Kota Bharu - the land of cameras - woohoo! I thought I would honour the young Chinese lad who sold me the phone by allowing him the dubious priviledge of being my first test subject:

And what a result. Ping’s beauty is captured for eternity. Next, as I was walking the 2km back from Billion Mall via KB Mall (for a quick fat inducing BigMac) I encountered this bloke:

I shouted to him “Where you go? You want taxi” in a Malay accent. He turned around and laughed when he saw I was another Westerner. We got chatting and it turns out Thomas is a 30yr old electronics engineer from East Germany. He had the pleasure of being my second model - and quite a photogenic one too - hehe. As he hadn’t met any other travellers here (there aren’t many) he invited me to Pizza Hut. I’d just eaten so I drank a coffee as he wolfed down a pizza. We talked about travelling, Berlin in 1989, programming CNC milling machines and designing digital logic circuits. We both struggled to remember how to convert a whole mix of logic gates into a NAND gate only configuration. Note to oneself: Think of ‘lighter’ dinner conversations when dining with new aquaitances. We enjoyed the meal and swapped contact details. I warned him I would post his pic on the net so here it is - hehe.

This phone also has video, radio and can play MP3 music! I haven’t sussed that out yet though. So standby for more photos as I play with my new toy.

Feel free to text me. My old Malay SIM card expired so I had to get a new one. The number is +60169618947. I will have to pass this on to my Chinese recruiters. I am worried they think I am a caveman when I explain I don’t have a contact number.

Apa tu? - what’s that?

Apa ini? - what’s this?

58,500?

A. Number of brain cells one bottle of Chang destroys?

B. A London-based stock trader’s monthly salary in USD?

C. Population of China’s smallest village?

D. UK jobs lost last month?

E. Number of hits this website has received?

The answer, surprisingly, is E. The rest is made up bollicks.

So this inane blog has received over 58,500 hits. That’s crazy man. That’s 62 hits/day. Does this make me a K-list celebrity? I hope not but even if it does, I suspect I am still a long way off being considered as a Big Brother contestant (thank fuck). Never mind, I can live with that.

I went for a walk to Tesco (talk about globalisation!) last night where I nearly bought a new mobile. It was 183RM (35gbp). It had a 1.3MP camera. I might go back and get it so I can start doing photos again. I’m thinking this one over as I’ll probably lose it (or break it) the following day! For example: I bought a watch last week and managed to keep it in an operational state for…..wait for it……..1 day. The next morning I took a shower and forgot to remove it. Obviously, a trickle of cold water is enough to breach the water-tight-integrity of the watch. The thing was ruined. 1 day? FFS!

Water-tight-integrity (WTI)! Flashback! Now there’s a term from my submarine days.

I bought a new watch with an analogue display last night. I’m hoping for a better innings with this one. It looks kinda trendy - wwwoooooooooooohhh.

Not many people would stay in Kota Bharu for 1 week and I couldn’t really blame them. However, I have enjoyed a nice alcoholiday and not smoked for 8 days. I have applied for loads of jobs and spent a lot of time on the computer. I am now waiting for an invitation letter from the Guangzhou authorities that I can take to the Chinese embassy in Kuala Lumpur to obtain a work permit visa type thing. However, nobody knows how long this process could take. The wheels of Chinese governmental bureaucracy not only turn slowly but appear quite mysterious to all concerned. An intriguing web-like structure in constant flux. Seemingly, the rules can mutate hourly - Darwinism at mach2. It could all depend on the whim of a PMT-suffering lass having a bad hair day in her paper-pushing, stamp-giving, tea-drinking, corruption-gaining duties.

I hope no potential employers or the Chinese government ever read this!

On a lighter note. The economy is wrecked. The Middle East is a disaster. Jobs are being lost globally. Jade Goody has been diagnosed with cancer. Two Al Qaeda leaders were killed in Pakistan. Russia doesn’t wanna sell anymore oil. How could things possibly get worse? Well on top of all this NUFC play a bunch of bubble-blowing Cockneys tomorrow. After consulting my Islamic guru here in Malaysia he predicts:

Steve, this is not an easy question, but I will try. Given the seriousness of these recent events combined with this being the first league game in the Year-of-the-Ox, and Pluto’s tendency to hide behind your-anus, I can only foresee more misery ahead. So I say NUFC 1-2 West Aaaaaaaam. Sorry Steve, but this is what the signs indicate.

OK, but what has this to do with my arse?

No, Uranus, a gas giant orbiting the sun in the outlying areas of our solar system.

OK, but what has my giant arse emitting gas got to do with West Aaaaaaaam?

Fuck off back to England you Geordie Maggot!

MMmm. OK. One last question please Guru.

OK son, one more, go ahead.

Were you in that film ‘Ali Baba and the 40 thieves’?

Out now!

Today, I downloaded and printed a 20 page employment contract, half of which was in Chinese. Frustratingly, it was in bloody .pdf format so you can’t change anything without having adobe acrobat installed. If it had been in MSWord I could’ve electronically pasted my signature from MSPaint. However, today this was not the case. I had to print every page, sign them all, scan them all and email them back to China in .jpg format. What a chore. All this technology and we still have to piss around like that. I had to download it in the hostel, stick in on my memory stick, find an internet cafe with a printer, print it off, sign them, find another internet cafe with a scanner, scan them all, save it to my USB stick, go back to the hostel and email them back to China. It took me about 2hrs, cost 10RM(2gbp) and proved more annoying than Lawrence Llewlyn-Bowen explaining the importance of soft furnishings. Still, better than using the post I suppose.

I was a little concerned as I ignorantly signed the Chinese sections as requested. It could’ve said anything! I could’ve signed my agreement to be executed on state TV or something!

Is it just me or do Malaysian news readers have slight Scottish accents?

Anyway, it’s Friday night and I’ve had a hell of a busy week. Tonight, as a treat, I’m going to sit back relax and have a looooooong luxurious wank!

Selamat tingal - see ya, wouldnt wanna be ya.

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