AWOL Geordie - Steve’s global adventure

58,500?

A. Number of brain cells one bottle of Chang destroys?

B. A London-based stock trader’s monthly salary in USD?

C. Population of China’s smallest village?

D. UK jobs lost last month?

E. Number of hits this website has received?

The answer, surprisingly, is E. The rest is made up bollicks.

So this inane blog has received over 58,500 hits. That’s crazy man. That’s 62 hits/day. Does this make me a K-list celebrity? I hope not but even if it does, I suspect I am still a long way off being considered as a Big Brother contestant (thank fuck). Never mind, I can live with that.

I went for a walk to Tesco (talk about globalisation!) last night where I nearly bought a new mobile. It was 183RM (35gbp). It had a 1.3MP camera. I might go back and get it so I can start doing photos again. I’m thinking this one over as I’ll probably lose it (or break it) the following day! For example: I bought a watch last week and managed to keep it in an operational state for…..wait for it……..1 day. The next morning I took a shower and forgot to remove it. Obviously, a trickle of cold water is enough to breach the water-tight-integrity of the watch. The thing was ruined. 1 day? FFS!

Water-tight-integrity (WTI)! Flashback! Now there’s a term from my submarine days.

I bought a new watch with an analogue display last night. I’m hoping for a better innings with this one. It looks kinda trendy - wwwoooooooooooohhh.

Not many people would stay in Kota Bharu for 1 week and I couldn’t really blame them. However, I have enjoyed a nice alcoholiday and not smoked for 8 days. I have applied for loads of jobs and spent a lot of time on the computer. I am now waiting for an invitation letter from the Guangzhou authorities that I can take to the Chinese embassy in Kuala Lumpur to obtain a work permit visa type thing. However, nobody knows how long this process could take. The wheels of Chinese governmental bureaucracy not only turn slowly but appear quite mysterious to all concerned. An intriguing web-like structure in constant flux. Seemingly, the rules can mutate hourly - Darwinism at mach2. It could all depend on the whim of a PMT-suffering lass having a bad hair day in her paper-pushing, stamp-giving, tea-drinking, corruption-gaining duties.

I hope no potential employers or the Chinese government ever read this!

On a lighter note. The economy is wrecked. The Middle East is a disaster. Jobs are being lost globally. Jade Goody has been diagnosed with cancer. Two Al Qaeda leaders were killed in Pakistan. Russia doesn’t wanna sell anymore oil. How could things possibly get worse? Well on top of all this NUFC play a bunch of bubble-blowing Cockneys tomorrow. After consulting my Islamic guru here in Malaysia he predicts:

Steve, this is not an easy question, but I will try. Given the seriousness of these recent events combined with this being the first league game in the Year-of-the-Ox, and Pluto’s tendency to hide behind your-anus, I can only foresee more misery ahead. So I say NUFC 1-2 West Aaaaaaaam. Sorry Steve, but this is what the signs indicate.

OK, but what has this to do with my arse?

No, Uranus, a gas giant orbiting the sun in the outlying areas of our solar system.

OK, but what has my giant arse emitting gas got to do with West Aaaaaaaam?

Fuck off back to England you Geordie Maggot!

MMmm. OK. One last question please Guru.

OK son, one more, go ahead.

Were you in that film ‘Ali Baba and the 40 thieves’?

Out now!

Today, I downloaded and printed a 20 page employment contract, half of which was in Chinese. Frustratingly, it was in bloody .pdf format so you can’t change anything without having adobe acrobat installed. If it had been in MSWord I could’ve electronically pasted my signature from MSPaint. However, today this was not the case. I had to print every page, sign them all, scan them all and email them back to China in .jpg format. What a chore. All this technology and we still have to piss around like that. I had to download it in the hostel, stick in on my memory stick, find an internet cafe with a printer, print it off, sign them, find another internet cafe with a scanner, scan them all, save it to my USB stick, go back to the hostel and email them back to China. It took me about 2hrs, cost 10RM(2gbp) and proved more annoying than Lawrence Llewlyn-Bowen explaining the importance of soft furnishings. Still, better than using the post I suppose.

I was a little concerned as I ignorantly signed the Chinese sections as requested. It could’ve said anything! I could’ve signed my agreement to be executed on state TV or something!

Is it just me or do Malaysian news readers have slight Scottish accents?

Anyway, it’s Friday night and I’ve had a hell of a busy week. Tonight, as a treat, I’m going to sit back relax and have a looooooong luxurious wank!

Selamat tingal - see ya, wouldnt wanna be ya.

I neglected to mention this before but after tonight’s sunset stroll to the Kelantan River here in Kota Bharu, I noticed only two types of shops dominating the labyrinth of streets. Namely: Pharmacies and Photography shops. For some reason there is a deluge of these establishments in this town. I have speculated but struggled to arrive at any solid theories for this strange dual profusion. Perhaps one could infer this is a town populated by a hypochondriacal paparazzi. However, I find this unlikely given the lack of celebrities here. Mmmmmm, I think I’ll sleep on this one.

Yes, this reminds me. In Malaysia, many words are spoken the same but the spellings are way off English. Take Pharmacy for example. Here they write Farmasi. Other examples include: wait a minit, wanna eat in a restoran? where is the shopping komplex? what time is the bas? These are the ones that spring to mind but there are many more you see everyday.

The Chinese-communist-government-bureaucracy fears that I will burden their health system while I am imparting knowledge in their domain. Therefore, this morning I had a medical check to mitigate their suspicions. I scanned the resulting form declaring ‘fit for overseas employment’ and emailed it to the University in Guangzhou. I have been doing a lot of scanning and emailing recently. I have been on this computer for hours searching, applying and completing endless repetitive forms. I am sure anyone who has been on the dole looking for work understands how frustrating this mundaneness can become.

I applied to another Chinese University today and this is the litany of shite I attached to the email:

1. CV
2. Passport 1st page scan
3. Recent colour photo
4. BSc(Hons) 1st class certificate
5. Academic transcript
6. Reference from Taiwan Global English School
7. Reference from Newcastle University
8. Medical check

That’s EIGHT things man! And it’s not over yet - not by a long stretch. I have to stay in this hostel in Kota Bharu (I need an address of some kind for them to post to) until I receive an invitation letter from the Guangdong Foreign Expert Bureau. Once I have that letter in my hand and I’ve been accepted as an ‘foreign expert’, I can head off to the Chinese embassy in Kuala Lumpur and apply for a Z class visa which I think is a work permit visa. Finished? No way. Now I turn up in China with my Z class visa valid for 30 days and I have to apply for residency which involves further medical checks and mountains of bureaucracy. I wish the ‘international law’ part of my submarine training had been more thorough! Confused? I am.

I am thinking of becoming a bouncer instead of a teacher. I think my physique is doorman-esque enough. The doctor gasped today as I stood on the scales fully dressed (with shoes) and I weighed in at an impressive 65kg. He declared I was officially underweight and I should proceed directly to McDonald’s without passing GO. He was impressed that I had quit smoking four days earlier (new year resolution) and he said everything else was fine - only my skeletal appearance needs attention. I tried to explain how a diet bereft of food and heavy on booze and fags in Thailand and Cambodia could probably explain my cartoonish proportions but he just sneered and told me to piss in a cup!

He then demanded I drop my pants and then went on to fondle my ‘area’. I don’t think this guy will win “Malaysia’s best bedside manner” at the next doctor’s awards ceremony in Kuala Lumpur. This medical cost me 40RM plus another 1RM to scan the form at a ubiquitous photograph shop and store it on my new USB stick. The photo shop was conveniently located near the doctor’s and my guest house. In fact I can see three from my room window in the same street. I’d go as far as to say there are probably more new cameras in this town than rats. You are never more than 1meter away from a new camera here.

I ate a McD’s with a view to piling on some beef. As I raised my gaze from an interesting article in the paper I noticed about 6 head-scarf clad lasses staring at me. They all averted their eyes as I looked up but I thought “For fuck sake, what’s wrong? You never seen a skinny white bastard eating a bigmac before?” I will have to get used to this again when I go to China - staring at foreigners is a past-time there, a bit like trianspotting if you will.

I’m off to the mosque.

kurus - skinny

kencing - piss

I am still in the Bunga Raya Guest House in Kota Bharu taking advantage of their free internet service. This is a blessing given the amount of rain we have had recently. It rains, torrentially, for  hours on end every ... [Continue reading this entry]

Today is the 2nd of January 2009 and I have just crossed the border from Sungai Kolok in Thailand to Kota Bharu in Malaysia. A reversal of the crossing I did on the 24th of September 2008. Strangely, I also ... [Continue reading this entry]