AWOL Geordie - Steve’s global adventure

Last week we drove out to the mountain farms to buy some cheap fruit. I really enjoyed this day out.  We bought so much stuff that we could only just fit it all on the Harley. It was a very dangerous drive home as I tried desperately to stop the gigantic watermelon and jackfruit from sliding off the Harley. We had pineapples, mangos and bananas underneath the seat. Sometimes we can be stupid. All the shit we bought could’ve filled the boot of a car and we tried to take it home on a scooter! We even drove illegally along a ‘no-scooter’ freeway for a while. We were just asking to be pulled over. Idiots!

Luckily there were no coppers.

Yesterday we went to a local beach armed with more mango and pineapple to scoff as we watched the sun set somewhere over China. We arrived at about 1600 and I fancied a dip. Since the beach was deserted I decided I would swim with it all hanging out. I love doing this. Zi Ting was laughing as I stripped down to my birthday suit. I ran into the sea with my little friend (John Thomas) flapping around all over the place. After a bit of a swim I came back out and put my shorts back on.

We then walked to the end of a harbour wall that stretched about 1km into the sea. We planned to watch the sun go down from the very end. It was then that we realised that the beach wasn’t as deserted as we first thought. We passed a few groups of men and women hidden in the rocks along the sea wall. They were fishing. They laughed at me as we walked passed. I was very embarrassed. They must be thinking I am mad as I couldn’t imagine any Taiwanese doing this! Most of them can’t swim and are afraid of water. Let alone getting all there kit off in public - no chance!

So there you go - I did a striptease for loads of Taiwanese fisherman and their wives - hehe. It’ll give them something to tell their families at supper time.

Mei guanxi - nevermind.

As a sidenote, they had caught and thrown away a lot of blowfish. I presume we can’t eat blowfish then?

This little naked tale has reminded me of another hugely embarrassing incident that I don’t mind sharing. As a young 20 year old in the summer of 1994 I visited a foreign girlfriend. I had just returned to Blighty after a 6 month deployment on HMS Coventry during the Balkan conflict. I met this beautiful Finnish travel agent ‘Katya’ in an Athens nightclub while we were having some well-deserved RnR. It was a ’love at first sight’ kinda deal and we continued to mail eachother regularly while I remained at sea. This was the ‘not-so-long-ago’ time before email so we had to handwrite the letters. Imagine that today? It’s almost impossible to conceive.

Anyway, she invited me to Finland and I thought ‘Why not?’. She organised the flights (pre-internet style) and I shortly found myself meeting her in Helsinki before we took a sleeper-train to her home in Oulu in the North of Finland. Everything was going hunky-dory until she asked “Do you like saunas?” Having never experienced one I said “Yeah, I think so.”

She seemed pleased and took me straight to her home’s very own sauna. Her Mam, Dad and brother were already inside. I was still fully clothed as I watched this Nordic beauty strip down. She was 21 with a great figure and a considerable chest. I thought she was going to wear a cozzy or something, but no, she stood there naked. Ready. I was in heaven staring at her body until she started gesturing for me to follow suit.

Remember, I was only 20 with the sexual hormones of a sailor that’s been denied female attention all year. I was aroused. Very aroused. She was not only beautiful but naked and beautiful. It was all too much. I said that I can’t get naked right now. I was suffering from a curious emotional cocktail of fear, arousal, shyness and embarrassment. She started tugging at my clothes telling me “Don’t be silly, it’s OK”

“But in England we don’t get naked in front of people” I stammered, trying to delay my strip and subsequent embarrassment.

“You’re not in England” as she started pulling at my T-shirt.

“But I am still English. Look, please give me 5 minutes”

“OK, 5 mins” she entered the sauna with her family.

Had it just been her in the sauna I would have gone in with my boner no problem. It was the fact the rest of her family were inside that caused me distress. I didn’t want them to think this young Englishman was some kind of no-self control sex-pest.

I stripped down and started showering in the small shower just outside the sauna door. I was willing my boner to go away. I was thinking of Thatcher, work, graves……..anything to make this stupid hardon go away. However, the more I willed it away the more prominent it became. I was in a nightmare situation. After a couple of minutes Katya came out. She grabbed my hand and dragged me into the sauna despite my protests about not being ready.

Next was probably the most embarrassing moment in my life. I was standing in a sauna in front of my beautiful naked girlfriend, her naked Mother, naked Father and naked brother with a gravity-defying boner that any porn star would be proud of. They all chuckled as I tried to explain how we don’t have this kind of thing in England. Gladly, after seeing her Mam n Dad in the nude my boner began to wilt. I relaxed and began to enjoy my first naked family sauna.

So in conclusion, beware that the Finnish get naked a lot. Even gorgeous lasses! Bear this in mind if you plan a trip with a enraged hormonally challenged young man!

hehe

Zaijian

I forgot to mention a slightly scary thing that happened on my last arrival to Manila airport. I was sitting on the plane looking at the Manila sprawl below when we started circling the city. We circled maybe 5 times for 15mins with no explanation from El Capitano. I was beginning to worry as the Philippines is known for its random coups, shootings and Muslim extremists from Mindinao. Perhaps there was an incident below. We finally landed safely with no indication as to why we were delayed. I suspect we were waiting for a landing slot but a little information hinting at this would’ve been nice. Do they think us plebs don’t notice these things? I dislike flying at the best of times and these little incidents do nothing for my composure. It was a loooong 15 minutes.

This reminds me of another flight from KL - Jakarta last year. We hit the most extreme turbulence I’ve ever encountered. We must’ve dropped 1000ft at one point (N.B. this could be an exaggeration) as the drop lasted about 3s. I thought we were all doomed. My stomach was somewhere on the deckhead. My knuckles were white from gripping the armrests. Strangely, everybody else on the flight was ridiculously relaxed. The Indonesian lady next to me asked if I was OK. She noted that I had beads of sweat on my brow and I looked a deathly shade of white. I was, to use a famous proverb, “Shitting myself”.

What is wrong with me? Despite previous work on Submarines I hate being confined with no control. As an ex-underwater-engineer I critically observe all the plane’s systems and dwell on the multitude of things that could go wrong. Probably not the best way to relax yourself. I think of vector forces as the plane banks just after take off. I think of aerodynamics when I see the control surfaces change state (that’s wing flap operations to the uninitiated). I look for the sun to check our heading. I listen for the wheel assemblies working. I always try to get a good look at the pilot to see if he is pissed. I worry that crazy terrorists will take us all hostage. Mid-air collisions etc. All highly unlikely I know but I can’t help myself.

I hate airports, I hate checking in, I hate the ridiculous security, I hate immigration, I hate cabin crew, I hate seeing wanky business travellers looking smug, I hate the taxis standing by to screw you, I hate the seats, I hate the toilets, I hate all the rules. They made me throw away a half-full bottle of water and some almost finished toothpaste at Taipei last time! Suffice to say I hate the whole flying ‘experience’ - shite!

So, flights are not really for me. Trains, buses and boats any day!

A strange notion for a traveller: “Flights are not for me”.

I ended up ranting quite a bit there when all I wanted to do was explain the Manila thing!

It’s one week since I had my bicycle stolen. I can’t seem to get over it. Get over what? A 3m wall - haha.

As the title of this post suggests I am partial to a beer now and then. I blame this on my Britishness. Taiwanese can live their whole lives without ever visiting a pub. In fact you don’t really see pubs here. After a while I start craving a beer and a bit of crack in a bar somewhere. It is, after all, who I am. This activity is an integral part of the fabric of British society. It’s as entrenched as fish n chips and Sunday roasts. The fact that when I do indulge I binge to excess is besides the point.

It was with this in mind that I headed, via bus, to Tainan city last Saturday. I left the sticks at about 1300 eagerly anticipating a boozy afternoon in an expat bar. My mouth was watering at the prospect of some English language patter. It’s a good job I can speak basic Chinese. I alighted the bus smack bang in the middle of busy Tainan, I asked many locals where any expat pub is (qingwen, waigouren jiu bar zai nali?). Nobody could tell me anything. I gave up and adopted a new approach. I went to a 4star hotel and asked the reception girls. Only one could speak English and she assured me that there are bars here but they don’t open until 1900.

There must be one open now?

I joked that I wanted a beer now and she said it was impossible unless I go to 7-11 and buy some cans - not really my scene (did she think I was a tramp? - quite possible given my attire these days). I could just picture myself drinking a load of cans alone in a park - hehe. I explained how Taipei has bars open in the afternoon but she said “This is Tainan”. TIT? FFS!

Bear in mind that Tainan is a HUGE city of +1M people and it is Saturday afternoon. She gave me a Chinese magazine with the names and addresses of many bars and I walked around finiding them one by one thinking at least one must be open. I should’ve listened to her, she was right, they were all closed. What a load of big steamy bollicks!

I walked around the tourist sites with my face tripping me up. I was so disappointed. It was FA Cup final day to add insult to injury. I fancied watching Pompey in the cup final, the place where I served my Royal Navy apprenticeship. I chilled out at the park for a while and considered some of life’s options. I didn’t fancy waiting until 1900 and then spending the whole night here so I headed back to the sticks in a ‘mission failed’ frame of mind.

It was at the park where I made some life decisions. I decided that when I leave Taiwan next time, unlike the Terminator ’I'll not be back’.

I like Taiwan and its people. I’ve learnt a canny chunk of the language. However, there is no football or bars. I don’t want to watch this stuff everyday but I would like the option. I don’t want to go to bars everyday but, again, I would like the option. Basically the problem is that I am bored. There are no releases for me here in the Taiwanese countryside. I’ve had a great time here and I’ve had a wonderful insight into Taiwanese life and culture so I am very grateful for that. I hope I have passed on some information about Northumberland and England too.

Having just spent a fantastic 2 weeks in the Philippines I think I will go there for a couple of months. I can live with Don as we keep eachother company. There’s also tropical blue seas for swimming in everyday, jungles to hike, football to watch, bars to drink in and even Tagalog to learn. It has to be easier than Chinese man! It’s also my ambition to finally visit Boracay although I am beginning to doubt I will ever make it there!

Last time in the Philippines we had to laugh at this. It shows the Filipino mentality in a nutshell:

Sitting in a little cafe having just had our food served I listened to Don’s request:

“Excuse me sweetheart, do you have any tomato sauce?”

“What?”

“You know, tomato sauce, red.”

“Eh?”

“Red sauce in a bottle.”

“Oh yeah, sorry.” After a while………. “Sir, we don’t have any tomato sauce but we do have some ketchup. Is ketchup OK?”

“Hahahahahahahahahahahah”

“Why you laughing?”

“Coz tomato sauce IS ketchup”

“You Bula bula”

“No, really, it is”

Now how could you not want to live in a country with crack like that?

I have asked Zi Ting to come with me but I know she won’t. She is a country girl who is very close to her family. She has a successful business. She is not an eccentric oddball like me. She wishes she could be but it is too big a leap for the lass. I love her very much but I can’t reconcile my lifestyle with a relationship until I know I have finished being a free spirit.

My next challenge is to not fall in love again. This could be difficult as your heart sometimes rules your brain. She is planning to visit me for a few days in the Philippines. I am arranging everything for her since she is a little apprehensive about the whole thing. She has never left Taiwan before!

I hope she comes as I think it would be very interesting for her. Also a good opportunity to practice her English skills.

After chatting with her today I had to ask myself ‘Why is my life one big f*cked up mess?’ I am going to leave an adorable lass so that I can carry on galavanting around the World. Surely I should be asking for her hand in marriage instead?

Marriage?

That’s just sent shivers down my spine.

Marriage? Kids? Perhaps not.

Not yet anyway. One day maybe.

Real life is still just too scary!

再见

PS. One last thing. Remember that black lad on a photo a while ago? The acrobat guy from Ghana? I saw him on TV last night! There he was doing his thang on Taiwanese national TV - wow. I can’t wait to see him again and jokingly ask for his autograph - hehe. Does this mean I’m now into celebrities? Jeez, I’ll have to start buying ‘Hello’ or something!

I can officially join the ranks of the millions of Chinese and Taiwanese who have had their bicycles stolen. I can't believe it. Taiwan is probably the most crime-free country on Earth. This makes the theft all the harder to ... [Continue reading this entry]

Well, today is Sunday 11th of May 2008. I left home 700 days ago, only 1 month shy of 2 years. This blog has had almost 38000 hits. This time last year I had just arrived in Vang Viang, Laos for ... [Continue reading this entry]