Only Mindoro
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008I have just returned to civilisation after another 5 days in the hot, cheating but beautiful Philippines. I travelled for 15hrs to get from my small, relaxed, quiet Taiwanese village to the madness of Calapan City on the island of Mindoro off western Luzon. This involved a 3hr bus ride from Jiali to Taoyuan. A 1hr wait at the bus station for a 15m transfer to the airport. Wait around 2hr at the airport. 2hr flight to Manila. Jeep to Pasay. 2hr bus to Batangas (I was lucky, this was fast). 3hr slow ferry to Calapan.
Leave village 0730, meet Don in Calapan 2230.
By 2300 I was in a karaoke bar opening my first beer (Red Horse) and sparking up my first smoke in exactly 5 weeks. We got very drunk.
Next day we had planned to go to Puerto Galera. We walked around Calapan for a while and thought ‘Sod it - let’s just go to a bar here again’ to avoid the 2hr jeep. I had done enough travel the day before. So we headed to a local beach resort called Anahaw. We drank there all day talking to German George and Ulf, a Swede, seemingly the only other foreigners here. The next day we did the same again. Two days and three nights of no-memory, except it been a good laugh!
On Sunday morning I went for a little swim where I cut my right hand pretty bad on rocks. I also walked into a recently cut tree branch (as sharp as a knife) which split my head open. There was blood everywhere. Since I was still a bit hammered from days of lashing-up I ignored it and carried on swimming. The rest of this day was spent trying to cope with a severe hangover that was gaining momentum by the hour - shite! Also sunburn from the morning’s swim was beginning to make itself felt. There was a huge Mardi-Gras festival in Calapan this day so the steets were even more packed and noisy than they normally are. Live bands and all sorts going on. However, I wasn’t feeling up to it so I grabbed Don’s key and went back and watched Rambo 4 in Burma.
I then attempted to sleep on Don’s 2 seater sofa. This was fine. It was the noise that was the first problem. There are constant tricycles passing his house.
A tricycle is an very very loud unmuffled motorbike attached to a sidecar with a roof. They are impossibly loud. You can’t have a conversation next to one. These things drive past his house all night.
Jeepneys complement the cruscendo with very noisy black clouds of noxious fumes emitting from their unregulated exhausts.
Next was the mosquitoes. Nightmare. It was my worst night ever for being eaten alive. I covered myself in a blanket for protection but then you sweat your arse off. Suffice to say, I never slept well that night. Don NEEDS to move house.
The next day I headed back to Manila. This was a good scam day. At the ferry terminal I wanted a bottle of water. I made the mistake of opening the bottle before asking the price (I should know better).
I ask “Magkano?”
Old battleaxe woman “50piso”
I laugh thinking she is joking as the normal price is 20piso. It is hot and I can’t be arsed fighting with her so she wins. Another whitey cheated. Even though I tell her I know the real price, she relies on whities not been arsed to argue. This time I accept defeat.
Next, at Batangas I am deluged with ‘friendly’ locals offering me a ride to anywhere I want to go. Aaaaah, what nice guys (please note the sarcasm here). They shout at you ‘Where you go?’ This time I choose to ignore the harrassment rather than deploying the ”Fuck off” method. I make another mistake of answering one of these dirty, thick muppets. I say “bus terminal”. He has no English except “Where you go” and “xxx piso”. The xxx is a monetary variable that will certainly be ludicrous. He knows nothing else about anything in any language. These people can not even point to the Philippines on a map of Asia. All he can do is drive a Tricycle and cheat people. I walk away. I look for someone who does not seem to have a business but have no luck. Pretty much everyone here will scam me in some way. I finally find a jeep driver. I know that where I want to go is very close and walkable, however, I have stupidly forgotten exactly where it is.
I ask him for directions “Please, can you tell me where Batangas Express bus terminal is?”
He screams, reasonably ”YOU WANT RIDE. YOU WANT RIDE?”
“No thankyou, can you just show me which way to walk?”
“NO I GIVE YOU RIDE. I GIVE YOU RIDE”
“OK, fuck it, how much?” feeling like I will never get there.
“HOW MUCH YOU WANT?”
“Me give you 10piso” I say, adopting slow baby English.
“OK my friend let’s go”
“Friend?”
We drive about 10secs and he stops saying.
“OK THERE”
“Thanks you f*cking tosser”
The whole jeep is laughing at the stupid whitey with the cartoon-sized round eyes!
I’ve read many Philippine tourism brochures that comment on the supposed friendliness of Pinoy folk. I’d like to meet the authors and take them on a tour. Some are OK but most would scam you at any opportunity. Theiving cheating bastards. These traits are exacerbated when foreigners (particularly whities) are involved. Many expats call it ’skin-tax’ and ‘TIP’ (This is Philippines). Nothing is free. They will not help you unless they financially gain. They will not even give you directions man! I could give you millions of personal experiences.
One more point I remember is that whatever you buy Filipinos will ALWAYS say ‘only’ before or after the amount. For example, whether I am buying a house or a cigarette the price will be:
ONLY xxx piso
or
xxx piso ONLY
I have queried this oddity often but nobody knows the reason for the pointless addition of ‘ONLY’. The locals reckon it is a habit. I just think it sounds strange. Perhaps it is a business ploy to make everything sound cheap. But Pinoys are not well known for their business acumen and are too stupid to think of it for themselves so it remains a mystery.
You may be wondering why any Westerner would tolerate this madness. Well the Philippines has natural bueaty beyond your wildest imagination. I remember being blown away over 2 years ago when I first arrived. This weekend we witnessed an amazing sunset followed by a large red-coloured moon - exeptional! This was followed by a Mardi-Gras fireworks display. Also, desite being over-charged constantly it is still a cheap destination by Western standards. There is also the omni-present sex industry which I am sure attracts many Western idiots.
Compared to the rest of Asia, Filipina food is crap. Not in Taiwan though. In Taiwan food is great. It is only marginally more expensive than the Philippines but the quality is vastly superior. The people are relaxed and friendly and treat foreigners the same as locals. Like I said the last time I returned, it is like travelling from the Earth to the Moon. People here don’t look at you like you are a walking cash spewing idiot.
It was a canny laugh for 5 days but it’s nice to be back home.
Jeez, I suppose Taiwan is my home now!
再见
On the Harley Davison having just arrived at Tainan Art University.
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