AWOL Geordie - Steve’s global adventure

Like a true muppet I have had my MP3 player and memory stick (with 1 year of photos) stolen when I got drunk in a bar in Chang Rai - what an arse.

In Savannakhet I was reading a disturbing book about an Aussie drug trafficker banged up in a notorius Bangkok prison when I overheard this posh Southern English bloke (I think of Oxbridge bearing) ask his French friend “Does the Great Wall of China follow the national boundary of China?” I thought “What, Are you stupid mate?” It made me smile but it goes to prove that one should never judge books by their covers, even posh sounding twats can be REALLY dense.

I took an 8hr night bus from Savannakhet to Vientiene where I wanted to get a visa for Burma. This turned out to be a bureaucratic nonsense: 4 photos and 4 huge identical forms to fill in with an additional 30USD for the pleasure. For a capital city Vientiene (like the rest of Laos) is very quiet which is great after the hustle and bustle of Vietnam. Vientiene also had an ATM I could use (the only one in the whole country). This place has a very French feel to it with large graceful boulevards and baguettes for sale on street stalls. I went to a disco with 2 Norwegians which was a laugh.

After seeing the various sights I headed to the backpackers ghetto of Vang Viang, set in a valley of imposing limestone karsts (pointy mountains). I stayed here 8 days. I went down the local river on tractor inner tubes where there are loads of bars, swings and zip line things. I was hammered this day and did all the jumps/swings etc. It got dark and I got lost walking through rice fields carrying this stupid inner tube. I celebrated my ‘eventual’ safe return with a magic mushroom milkshake with a group of Irish lads, as you do.

I cycled to a nearby cave but didn’t have the guts to go any further than 10m in. Pitch black, cold and full of bats! Most of the time I spent lounging in a bar with the owner from Devon and his Laos wife of 5yr. Next I was headed for Luang Prabang. The 8hr bus journey here was great, passing small ‘Hmong’ tribal villages with their impossible settings on the edge of mountain cliffs etc. I explored the suburbs of this World Heritage town. The centre was full of tourists and temples so I headed out for remoter markets and cheap local scran. A walk along the Mekong riverside was nice here. I met a bloke from Sheffield who has spent the last 5yr living in Newcastle! This is the closest I have come to a bonafide Geordie so I was quite pleased. It was his 26th birthday so I was obliged to celebrate that with him. I spent my time in Vang Viang and Luang prabang with an interesting family from Zimbabwe. He had many tales to tell of Mugabe, baboons, elephants, white farmers, inflation etc. Crazy! He gave me a 20 Zim dollar note which has an expiry date because of inflation. It is worth about 0.00000000000001 pence, i.e. the paper is worth more than the monetary value. This guy was in his fifties and he was the only person I saw swing from these really high swings in VV by his legs.

I woke early to catch a 10hr slow boat upstream to Pakbeng, a sleepy Mekong village. The journey itself was a grand adventure with breath taking mountains, dense jungle and some bamboo villages in this remote road less area. I found a room for 1gbp/night and shared it with a lad form the Wirral (50p each – eh?). The next morning he carried on to the Thai border town of Houxay like most foreigners. However, I endeavoured to stay 1 more night and was surprised to find myself and a Frenchmen (Gilbert, pronounced Jilberre) the only Westerners left behind (until that evening when another batch of tourists arrive). I walked a few miles to a remote village and then tried some local grub. I asked if they had rice or noodles but no, they only had something called Sam Tum (I think). This was a dish of the spiciest veg I have ever had the misfortune to put in my mouth. It was like eating lava. I instantly broke into a ludicrous sweat and the three old Laos ladies were laughing at me. I ate half of it and gave it back to the women and they finished it with no problems at all. You have to respect that! They gave me some sticky rice and mango since I never finished – great people. “Falang – Mai dee” they were laughing, Westerner – no good, hehe. I tried to tell them there is something wrong with their bodies if they can eat that and smile.

Next day I took another slow boat to Houxay and shared a 1.50gbp room with Gilbert. I was exhausted from the boat and my light was off by 2130. I crossed the border after changing my Laos kip into Thai baht in Laos. Someone informed me Laos kip is useless outside Laos so you need to change before leaving. I was grateful as I had about 30gbp of useless kip that I nearly took to Thailand. A small boat journey across the river and I am back in Thailand for the third time this year. I took a bus from Chang Kong to Chiang Rai where I have been for the last 3 nights. I need to book flights to Yangon in Burma and somehow get hold of 800USD to take as there are no ATMs, travelers cheques or other financial trappings of the Western World.

Some coincidental things have happened recently. I was cycling through Vang Viang when I heard someone shout my name. It was a German guy who I met during the typhoon in the Philippines in December! In Chang Kong I met a German lass and an Irish couple who were at China beach in Vietnam.

Ting tong mac mac (Thai for crazy)

Quang Ngai had nowt going on so I battled through an Army of moto drivers to walk to the bus station to catch a bus to Danang. These moto drivers are very insistent (read pushy) as they really want to drive a Whitey because they know we are fodder for overcharging. Therefore, I walk whenever feasible. I will not mention ripping off foreigners anymore as I am boring myself with it but I want you to understand it is a daily hassle when buying ANYTHING in Asia – particularly Vietnam.

So, I paid double the local price (sorry – I just said I wouldn’t mention that again) to Danang for a real shitty 3.5hr 65mile journey. They agreed to drop me off at a certain place but even managed to arse that up – so thick man! I had to pay another moto driver to get me the last 15km to my destination (although he reckoned it was 40km – they must think WE are thick). What a day, independent travel in Vietnam is proving to be a Royal pain in the arse.

I finally arrived at Hoa’s Place. It is discreetly nestled in a quiet spot between China Beach and Marble Mountain. (12km South of Danang and 20km North of Hoi An for those with maps). I really liked it here and ended up staying 8 days. I found myself part of a close-knit group of great people. We did a lot of drinking, swimming, sun-bathing, surfing (I am crap) and sometimes even midnight drunk skinny dipping. This was great as when you moved your limbs through the black seawater, lots of florescent particles glowed like stars in the water. It turns out it is only plankton but it looked really cool. Some of the lads were Surfy types and I watched a few of them actually doing it properly, which looked good, so I thought ‘Right, let’s get a board and have a bash’. The waves here are perfect for surfing but after half an hour I realised I am not meant for this bollicks – utterly useless.

I hired a moto and drove myself to Hoi An which is a small riverside town noted for it tailors. There is nice architecture here and a stroll through the old streets and markets is a real pleasure. I didn’t linger long here as I was headed for My Son in the afternoon. My Son is a World Heritage site that contains ruins from the ancient Cham civilisations. I enjoyed the time here more for the location than the ruins themselves. The site is set in a bowl of lush mountainous jungle with narrow paths winding their way through. However, after seeing Angkor Wat any other ruins are going to seem less impressive. I was lucky in the fact that I had missed all the bus trips and had the whole ruins and jungle to myself which was great. Also the ride out here past massive flat expanses of beautiful emerald rice paddies was nice.

On the way ‘home’ I got very lost on my bike. It was weird as I could see the Marble Mountain where I wanted to go but there were no roads going that way. Eventually, I ended up in Danang and found a road South to get home. I was panicking a little as it was getting dark and the Vietnam roads aren’t signposted like they are in Europe. I spent the remainder of the time here hanging out with local taxi drivers and some of the many marble sculptors/salespeople. I also got into a bit of a drinking binge here and on one of the days a bizarre thing happened that I thought I had dreamed. Loads of really old Northern English people on a SAGA holiday came into the hostel for a meal – eh?? I had to check the next day with Hoa that it had happened as I could barely remember it. Just seemed strange to me – I thought they tended to go to Morecombe.

Oh yeah, Hoa is the small Vietnam bloke who runs the hostel. He looks after you really well and I called him ‘Uncle Ho’ after the infamous Ho Chi Minh. After meeting so many cheats, it was refreshing to talk to Hoa everyday as he would go well beyond the call of duty to help you out. He also made big family dinners every night which were always a great social event. Although I made many friends here, my favourites were James and Cat. James is a Cockney and Cat is a Brummie who is moving to London when they return. They are both 19 and really good fun. Cat looks like Kate Moss but smokes more tabs and drinks more vodka. James is just a Cockney twat! I’d love to see them again.

I found myself in a spot of bother as my Vietnam visa was going to expire and I was miles from the Laos border (because I kept adding extra nights on at Hoa’s). I finally made a dash to Hue where I spent one night in a dorm after a quick walk around the city. I immediately bought a ticket to Savannakhet in Laos for the next morning. I woke up at 0530 and endured another travel calamity. We left Hue at 0600 and by 1400, after 3 buses, we were still 200km from Savannakhet in a small town called Xepon just 40km over the border. That last 40km had taken 2hrs!!! I thought ‘Sod it’ and jumped off there.

What a mistake! As the bus pulled away and I looked at my rural surroundings, I thought “Shit”. Nobody could speak any English. There were no maps, no motos, no bicycles, no info, no talking – nada! I walked around the market and soon discovered this is a place where not many people smile. It felt like I was part of ‘The league of gentlemen’. The place is dead with nothing to do. It reminded me of when I used to complain about living in Pegswood as a kid. The following was a typical familial exchange:

“Oman, this place is crap” I whined.

“Oman is a place in the Gulf” Dad would smile.

“Arrrrgggghhh shuttup man, there’s nowt ti dee” I would rage.

“Of course there is son, people travel from all over the World to come here” Dad lied.

“Bullshit” I thought.

It was on my first afternoon here that I cheered myself up by thinking of similarities between Xepon and Pegswood. What initiatives could I co-ordinate to bring these two communities to greater understanding and mutual gain? I pondered crap like that for a whole afternoon before starting to drink BeerLao out of nothing but boredom. This turned out to be my first taste of BeerLao and it is an outstanding beverage - scant consolation in my lonely predicament. For some reason I’m unsure of, perhaps an act of madness, I paid for 2 nights here. I had consigned myself to another whole day of sitting in the skanky market drinking BeerLao.

Unbelievably, in the middle of the second day I spot a Westerner. “Oi, Oi come here” I scream in desperation. He wonders over looking perplexed. “Where you from?” I ask.

“States – I’m with the US Army Medics, we just flew in by Helicopter looking for MIA’s” he states.

“Wow. Please sit down and have a drink”.

It was with some relief that he had a coke and we chatted about military stuff for 30mins before he left. Luckily this is not the only English I will hear while marooned. That same night a pissed Laos policeman stays at the same hostel and I end up mortal with him and his cronies in broken English.

The next day I catch a Songthaew to Savannakhet. The 200km (120mile) only takes 5hrs which is good by what I have become used to. Again, the only foreigner on the vehicle I quietly noticed things very strange to the Western eye. First of all a woman bought a huge live lizard (2-3ft) in a net bag and left it right by my feet! I never established the purpose of it, food or pet? On one of the many stops a pile of traditional Laos ladies (dressed in beautifully patterned sarong/skirt things) offered us some local delicacies of cooked insects by shoving them in my face. All the locals bought some, so I looked at what they bought and followed suit. I found myself with a stick-full of biggish insects. A good laugh was had by the locals watching me tackle these. Honestly though, they taste OK and another bloke told me they are a great source of protein – so what do we know? They are very popular here in Laos.

After the Songthaew and tuktuk I eventually arrived at the Saisouk Hostel in Savannakhet. I find a room and then enquire “I don’t have much money, where’s the ATM?”.

“Savannakhet have no ATM” the genial hotelier kindly replies.

“WHAT………NOOOOOOOOO. OK, deep breaths, can I use visa card tomorrow?”.

“No, Laos Bank holiday”

“Shit, I got about 3 pounds to last 2 days, Can I pay for the room Wednesday?”

“Wey aye”.

“Champion”.

So I start my hunger campaign with two baguettes for that first night. The next day I split my money evenly between two cheap but filling meals. Now I have nowt and read before sleep (this is free thank goodness).

There are two banks in Savannakhet and the first one I go to don’t know what I am talking about. “What the hell is a Visa cash advance?” they enquire. “Shit”, I panic. So I try the next bank. Now I am layered in sweat and worried about eating/paying my room. However this second cashier says I can do it. PPHHEEWW! So I get about 50pounds (3% commission) until I get to Vientiene where they have ATMs. This morning I went out and had the fanciest meal I could find which was nice after 2 days of worry and hunger.

By the way, Savannakhet is a great little Laos border town that sits on the mighty Mekong. On the other bank sits Thailand and in the evenings we go down to the river and watch the sunset over Thailand. Laos is very relaxed compared to its neighbours which most visitors here really appreciate.

There seems to be even more ordnance from the war here in Laos than in Vietnam. People use discarded missiles and bombs to make fences and sometimes even as garden ornaments! You also need to stick to paths as there is still, despite Princess Di’s efforts, a lot of unexploded ordnance (UXO) here. Hope you are well.

Kop Jai (Laos for Thanks)