有时候我喜欢喝啤酒 Sometimes I like a beer.
I forgot to mention a slightly scary thing that happened on my last arrival to Manila airport. I was sitting on the plane looking at the Manila sprawl below when we started circling the city. We circled maybe 5 times for 15mins with no explanation from El Capitano. I was beginning to worry as the Philippines is known for its random coups, shootings and Muslim extremists from Mindinao. Perhaps there was an incident below. We finally landed safely with no indication as to why we were delayed. I suspect we were waiting for a landing slot but a little information hinting at this would’ve been nice. Do they think us plebs don’t notice these things? I dislike flying at the best of times and these little incidents do nothing for my composure. It was a loooong 15 minutes.
This reminds me of another flight from KL - Jakarta last year. We hit the most extreme turbulence I’ve ever encountered. We must’ve dropped 1000ft at one point (N.B. this could be an exaggeration) as the drop lasted about 3s. I thought we were all doomed. My stomach was somewhere on the deckhead. My knuckles were white from gripping the armrests. Strangely, everybody else on the flight was ridiculously relaxed. The Indonesian lady next to me asked if I was OK. She noted that I had beads of sweat on my brow and I looked a deathly shade of white. I was, to use a famous proverb, “Shitting myself”.
What is wrong with me? Despite previous work on Submarines I hate being confined with no control. As an ex-underwater-engineer I critically observe all the plane’s systems and dwell on the multitude of things that could go wrong. Probably not the best way to relax yourself. I think of vector forces as the plane banks just after take off. I think of aerodynamics when I see the control surfaces change state (that’s wing flap operations to the uninitiated). I look for the sun to check our heading. I listen for the wheel assemblies working. I always try to get a good look at the pilot to see if he is pissed. I worry that crazy terrorists will take us all hostage. Mid-air collisions etc. All highly unlikely I know but I can’t help myself.
I hate airports, I hate checking in, I hate the ridiculous security, I hate immigration, I hate cabin crew, I hate seeing wanky business travellers looking smug, I hate the taxis standing by to screw you, I hate the seats, I hate the toilets, I hate all the rules. They made me throw away a half-full bottle of water and some almost finished toothpaste at Taipei last time! Suffice to say I hate the whole flying ‘experience’ - shite!
So, flights are not really for me. Trains, buses and boats any day!
A strange notion for a traveller: “Flights are not for me”.
I ended up ranting quite a bit there when all I wanted to do was explain the Manila thing!
It’s one week since I had my bicycle stolen. I can’t seem to get over it. Get over what? A 3m wall - haha.
As the title of this post suggests I am partial to a beer now and then. I blame this on my Britishness. Taiwanese can live their whole lives without ever visiting a pub. In fact you don’t really see pubs here. After a while I start craving a beer and a bit of crack in a bar somewhere. It is, after all, who I am. This activity is an integral part of the fabric of British society. It’s as entrenched as fish n chips and Sunday roasts. The fact that when I do indulge I binge to excess is besides the point.
It was with this in mind that I headed, via bus, to Tainan city last Saturday. I left the sticks at about 1300 eagerly anticipating a boozy afternoon in an expat bar. My mouth was watering at the prospect of some English language patter. It’s a good job I can speak basic Chinese. I alighted the bus smack bang in the middle of busy Tainan, I asked many locals where any expat pub is (qingwen, waigouren jiu bar zai nali?). Nobody could tell me anything. I gave up and adopted a new approach. I went to a 4star hotel and asked the reception girls. Only one could speak English and she assured me that there are bars here but they don’t open until 1900.
There must be one open now?
I joked that I wanted a beer now and she said it was impossible unless I go to 7-11 and buy some cans - not really my scene (did she think I was a tramp? - quite possible given my attire these days). I could just picture myself drinking a load of cans alone in a park - hehe. I explained how Taipei has bars open in the afternoon but she said “This is Tainan”. TIT? FFS!
Bear in mind that Tainan is a HUGE city of +1M people and it is Saturday afternoon. She gave me a Chinese magazine with the names and addresses of many bars and I walked around finiding them one by one thinking at least one must be open. I should’ve listened to her, she was right, they were all closed. What a load of big steamy bollicks!
I walked around the tourist sites with my face tripping me up. I was so disappointed. It was FA Cup final day to add insult to injury. I fancied watching Pompey in the cup final, the place where I served my Royal Navy apprenticeship. I chilled out at the park for a while and considered some of life’s options. I didn’t fancy waiting until 1900 and then spending the whole night here so I headed back to the sticks in a ‘mission failed’ frame of mind.
It was at the park where I made some life decisions. I decided that when I leave Taiwan next time, unlike the Terminator ’I'll not be back’.
I like Taiwan and its people. I’ve learnt a canny chunk of the language. However, there is no football or bars. I don’t want to watch this stuff everyday but I would like the option. I don’t want to go to bars everyday but, again, I would like the option. Basically the problem is that I am bored. There are no releases for me here in the Taiwanese countryside. I’ve had a great time here and I’ve had a wonderful insight into Taiwanese life and culture so I am very grateful for that. I hope I have passed on some information about Northumberland and England too.
Having just spent a fantastic 2 weeks in the Philippines I think I will go there for a couple of months. I can live with Don as we keep eachother company. There’s also tropical blue seas for swimming in everyday, jungles to hike, football to watch, bars to drink in and even Tagalog to learn. It has to be easier than Chinese man! It’s also my ambition to finally visit Boracay although I am beginning to doubt I will ever make it there!
Last time in the Philippines we had to laugh at this. It shows the Filipino mentality in a nutshell:
Sitting in a little cafe having just had our food served I listened to Don’s request:
“Excuse me sweetheart, do you have any tomato sauce?”
“What?”
“You know, tomato sauce, red.”
“Eh?”
“Red sauce in a bottle.”
“Oh yeah, sorry.” After a while………. “Sir, we don’t have any tomato sauce but we do have some ketchup. Is ketchup OK?”
“Hahahahahahahahahahahah”
“Why you laughing?”
“Coz tomato sauce IS ketchup”
“You Bula bula”
“No, really, it is”
Now how could you not want to live in a country with crack like that?
I have asked Zi Ting to come with me but I know she won’t. She is a country girl who is very close to her family. She has a successful business. She is not an eccentric oddball like me. She wishes she could be but it is too big a leap for the lass. I love her very much but I can’t reconcile my lifestyle with a relationship until I know I have finished being a free spirit.
My next challenge is to not fall in love again. This could be difficult as your heart sometimes rules your brain. She is planning to visit me for a few days in the Philippines. I am arranging everything for her since she is a little apprehensive about the whole thing. She has never left Taiwan before!
I hope she comes as I think it would be very interesting for her. Also a good opportunity to practice her English skills.
After chatting with her today I had to ask myself ‘Why is my life one big f*cked up mess?’ I am going to leave an adorable lass so that I can carry on galavanting around the World. Surely I should be asking for her hand in marriage instead?
Marriage?
That’s just sent shivers down my spine.
Marriage? Kids? Perhaps not.
Not yet anyway. One day maybe.
Real life is still just too scary!
再见
PS. One last thing. Remember that black lad on a photo a while ago? The acrobat guy from Ghana? I saw him on TV last night! There he was doing his thang on Taiwanese national TV - wow. I can’t wait to see him again and jokingly ask for his autograph - hehe. Does this mean I’m now into celebrities? Jeez, I’ll have to start buying ‘Hello’ or something!
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