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Who names a shampoo after an STD anyway?

Lush did not change my life. I’m rather sad about the fact as I was really hoping it would.

As a result of my addiction to toiletries, I have been experimenting with “bar” shampoo, in the interest of traveling with fewer liquids and with one product that should last the entire trip.

In case you’re not familiar with Lush, their value proposition (important term learned in MBA school) is:

    We believe in making effective products out of fresh organic fruit and vegetables, the finest essential oils and safe synthetics, without animal testing, and in writing the quantitative lists on the outside. We also believe that words like FRESH and ORGANIC have honest meaning beyond marketing.

I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt that “in quantitative lists on the outside” might be translated from another language. They are a British company, after all.

Now, after reading the testimonials about Lush’s bar shampoo, not only on their own website but on Amazon.com, there’s no way you cannot want to buy their products. Here are some sample reviews from Amazon and Lush (errors in the originals):

Holy poo this is a bar of amazingness! I never thought i could have wash and wear curly hair but this combined with coolaulin (as a leave in) is my hair messiah! One of my friends commented that my hair looked amazing and as that i was simply glowing with gorgeousness! THANKS LUSH!!!

i love this shampoo!!! i just love the smell, it’s so wonderful. it reminds me of being on the beach, drinking coconut milk out of a coconut in the dominican republic(the old country is what i call it). well it lathered wonderfully, left my hair so soft and smooth, and felt great! it felt like it left some kind of conditioner, i dye my hair black and it’s a bit fired. my hair is on the longer side, and this bar is lasting so far, well this is a great shampoo!

There are, literally, hundreds (maybe thousands) of testimonials like this.

I mean, c’mon, who DOESN’T want to be a part of THAT!

So, last week I go to my neighborhood Lush store and look at the pre-made bar soaps. First, they all smell nauseating. I thought, this is not a good sign.

Then, I see nearby one that is coconut scented (I like coconuts!) but it is not a pre-made bar. The sign said it is $10.75 for a quarter pound. I’m thinking, um… I wonder how much is a quarter pound, I’ve never bought soap at a deli counter before, so I don’t have a real frame of reference. Also, the soap has the extremely unfortunate name of Trichomania. Again, possibly translated from a foreign language, but it does sound strikingly like a cross between Trichomoniasis, a sexually transmitted parasite, and Trichotillomania a condition where people pull their own hair out. I’m not making this up.

Anyway, I don’t let that dissuade me (really!) and I find an extremely nice salesperson and ask her about possibly getting a “sample” size rather than a full quarter-pounder with cheese, I mean, quarter pound bar. She says no problem, she can cut me off a $5 sample, which happens to be about the size of… a bar of soap — how convenient. I ask her if she knows much about this particular product and she says that SHE uses it and loves it – how convenient. Unfortunately, looking at her hair, this did not further inspire me. But, I soldiered on.

So, eager to try said bar, I take a shower and lather up, and … nothing. I mean, there was some cleaning action going on I suppose, but not the oddles of suds, tingly experience, explosion of scent, soft, silkiness that most everyone else seemed to experience. Instead my hair was course and in desperate need of conditioner. In trying to style it later, it just didn’t want to be flattened. I thought, hmmm, the viral marketing (another MBA term) can’t be wrong! It must be me. I must have used it wrong.

So, I wait a couple of days and try again. Same thing, dull, straw-like, course hair that doesn’t want to behave. It also is visibly rebelling against my hair straightener. That’s a battle it won’t win, as I am lord and master and king of the universe in my home, and the hair straightener has way more clout than an upstart soap product, let me tell you. Especially one named after an STD.

I’ll keep experimenting a bit longer, but I think it’s back to Chemicals-R-Us brand of shampoos for me….



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One Response to “Who names a shampoo after an STD anyway?”

  1. Rcon says:

    This article is really interesting though I know that you were annoyed by the substandard item that you bought. Actually, I have the same question: Who names a shampoo after an STD anyway?

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