write!
Today, I received some bad news.
I can’t sleep, no matter how hard I try, but my body is exhausted.
I think of Christian Bale’s character in the Machinist. I dread turning into that.
I’m lying here in my bed, sheets dutifully covering me almost to completion. I look up.
Is this how it’s supposed to be?
Stress is rising, and I can’t let it happen. So I write, I write, and I write. I’ve finished a whole two books of my thoughts, my poems, my forced recollections…something I have not done in years. This is something I haven’t had to do nor was I recommended to do in years.
There is too much to write here, and I don’t dare to transfer them.
My mind is racing, and I can’t sleep.
I have the day at my command, and I cannot turn off my thoughts.
Faces, lost photographs, snippets of moments, like frames out of a movie — and even then, not frames from important parts of a film, but out-takes! I can’t turn off my mind.
Even as I sit and look at the monitor, I remember the interludes between conversations, the moments after the happiest moments. Moments where emotions linger, just after meaningful words are spoken…
What a stupid thing to remember.
much later
I lost a photo in the cab a little while back.
I’m supposed to go into China if I manage to get out of here. One day, I hope I will. There is a suitcase there I must pick up, and there I might find some answers.
There are not enough hours in a day to get things done. Being sleepless gives me more time than the average person, but I don’t have enough time to get everything done.
I’m lying down, and I’m so tired that I can’t sleep.
And i’m writing garbage.
Going to close my eyes. I hope she doesn’t come in again to check on me. I won’t be able to fall asleep if this is sleep coming for me.
Tags: September 2009
