Letter To A Mother’s Adult Children
My thoughts after nearly 40 years of thinking about this subject and watching this 21 minute speech by Dan Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, who challenges the idea that we’ll be miserable if “we don’t always get what we want,” as the Stones sing. Our “psychological immune system” lets us feel truly happy even when things don’t go as planned, Gilbert says. Watch the film first, when you have time, before reading my rambling or it won’t make as much sense… my rambling I mean. He talks fast so it took a second watching for me to “get” it all.
http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html
Suddenly, I am realizing what the answer is to the fact that so many people I have seen all over the world, in deepest poverty, in wretched conditions, no choices, no expectations, with or without a faith in a religion, generally seem so happy and joyful.
I’ve always thought that disappointed expectations (which is really the desire to control our lives) is what makes us unhappy. Buddhism, as my friend Jiraporn says, says just accept…in fact all religions preach surrender. Maybe it doesn’t matter what makes you surrender, or what you surrender to…God or the 12 steps, or the gods, or nature or the laws of the universe. Maybe there is an inherent wisdom deep in all societies that we need to surrender to be happy and the concept of God is a “synthetic” construct to encourage this…or demand it as the case may be.
Have always felt, on an intellectual level, that the whole concept of a God seemed artificial…not in the same sense as Marx thought…but in the sense that we know we need to surrender in the face of mystery, to the need to understand. It may be that faith in God is just as artificial as a chemical that allows us to transcend an ordinary state of consciousness. I think that maybe this creates the bliss we feel when we do it…the bliss during a born again experience is the same bliss we feel during meditation. For me anyway. I know. But whatever, opening the “doors of perception” and letting go at times seems to be a universal need.
At the same time, it doesn’t mean that we surrender to abusing spouses, corrupt governments or poverty. It doesn’t mean that we surrender to ignorance. We still will explore the universe and the laws of nature and man itself. It is just the basic attitude in the meantime while we ponder the choices we do have to improve and move life forward. The trick is to realize what improvement means and what moves us forward and what doesn’t…politically or personally. And the ability to feel happy in the meantime. Our Declaration of Independence guaranteed our freedom to pursue happiness. It just didn’t tell us how. Maybe they were wise.
We practice surrender when we meditate and then it becomes a habit. Just sitting down and letting go of the stimulants of the outside world helps us to practice surrender…maybe doesn’t matter what technique we use…a mantra, a prayer…our breath. Maybe we use faith.
Letting go of the expectation that a certain outcome will make us happy (more money, a perfect spouse) makes us feel invulnerable on the inside to life’s whims. Then “bad” outcomes can not touch our interior…our ability to feel happy and secure. Fear of a bad outcome makes us feel more pain than the outcome itself.
When we were counseling foreign exchange students and host families when you were in high school we told them not to judge an experience as bad or good. It is just an experience that we learn from. We don’t allow it to knock us off our feet. Of course that is easy to say when we are not in the middle of an event. But things always work out, I always say, not just the way we expect.
Couple more things to leave you with:
“When do you know your God is man-made?
When he hates the same people you do.”
The Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son,
The battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute
and then asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
These are just my thoughts. You get to choose.
Update: You might like to check out the comments to this post.
Tags: Reflections
Zoe
Well, Isn’t it interesting that through the process of living life and a little help from the Amazonian medicine Ayawasca I have FINALLY come to this conclusion on my own.
Then, after all my hard work, here is the same answer from a scientist’s perspective. Well, it is confirming, that is for sure.
We are human beings, not human doings. The world might be better off without all the striving and overconsumption. What then of the inventions of the future which won’t be accomplished without striving? They are not essential for being.
Thanks for sharing this message.
Fay
Thanks Debbie. My best to you and your family.
Eunice, How well said….how thoughtful and so true! Debbie
I don’t interpret happiness necessarily as a feeling. For me it is more a sense of deep well-being. You can be in any kind of pain and still be basically happy underneath it all with the right perspective. It doesn’t hinge on any kind of action or outcome. Which was my point. I hope this point doesn’t get lost when my children read it.
When my husband read the letter he commented; “However the effort involved (even if it was spinning of the wheels) cannot be discounted or trivialized….”
I answered: Absolutely! Wherever we were in the past got us here at this moment…it’s part of the process. There “should” be no judgment of it. But that is easy to say.
First books I read that started the process for me in the early 70’s was “Be Here Now” by Ram Dass…formerly a Harvard University psychology professor who hung out with Timothy Leary experimenting with LSD and “Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse…the novelized story of Buddah’s enlightenment. (Have to credit “I And Thou” by the Jewish philosopher/theologian here too.) I used to think about all these things in the past…and tried to put it into practice…with all the books, workshops, lectures. It turned out to be mostly mind-fucking (except the meditation which I credit for keeping me sane along the way) because for some reason it was difficult to internalize it all enough to realize it at each spontaneous moment…because I was still not fully in the present…not fully aware. I was still in the future…operating out of judgment…wanting more…and probably still am…but to a much lesser extent. Now I feel more fully human…and much less in my head. A lot to do with age, experience and perspective probably.
I agree, I think this particular struggle is the downside of an education that we think will get us out of ignorance. Yes, it did get us out of ignorance but not the kind that necessarily has anything to do with happiness. And the down side of the influence of the feminist movement. But guess I had to go through that (perhaps the product of my social environment at the time, the fact that I was born and raised in the West with it’s linear thinking and individualism) to get out of it to the other side.
I tribute much to the perspective I got from the last 7 years of travel…forcing me to forget everything I ever knew (which was worthless while traveling) and to be in the present if for no other reason than survival. Thanks for your comment Jiraporn.
This is from an email I received from a Thai friend who teaches fisheries at a university in Bangkok. I am posting it on her behalf with her permission.
Eunice,
Thanks for sharing the beautiful message and thought. Hope you don’t mind I am jumping in.
Like many Buddhists, I was born automatically Buddhist. Surprisingly, at my young age I was, in fact, anti-Buddhism. Why? I always have questions “why” in the Buddhist paradigm, which is a very bad thing to do [in Buddhism] because having doubt or question in life means the mind is without training and wisdom. One day I was ashamed that I was a Buddhist just because I was born in a Buddhist country and that my religion practice is just a tradition (follow what your ancestor traditionally did) rather than real Buddhism. I started learning and practicing Buddhism when I was 25. Unfortunately, it was the time that I was experiencing difficulty in my life and I was young and stupid. It appeared that I almost got nothing. It took me years to start appreciating the practice. Finally, at the age of 40 or so, I am no longer embarrassed to tell people with a loud voice that I am a Buddhist. What I mean to say is that “when you are either stupid or miserable you will never understand or believe in Buddhism because stupidity and miserable mind will blind you to see wisdom and consciousness”. Buddhist practicing is about gaining wisdom and consciousness and realizing that when a problem exists it is for you to solve it and not to be miserable. Buddha taught people to see things as the way it is, not way you want it to be, right, just accept it– but the philosophy behind this is way too deep (for me) to explain. This may be why I feel happy every day, at least a short moment each day.
Unfortunately, religion and philosophy are not articulate, compared to science. You cannot understand and appreciate them by just reading or learning from the results of experiments. You have to (mentally) practice to earn them. This is why science speaks louder and easier for people to deal with. You may spend 5-10 year to get a ph.d. (sound so long huh?) but you could spend all of your life to get wisdom and consciousness.
Human have gotten lost for a long time. They have let themselves get tied up to science and technology too much. They have forgotten that religion and philosophy may be the most beautiful asset they ever have in their life. If you cannot get what you want enjoy what you have, that what I say for now.
Peace,
Jiraporn
Thank you, Eunice, for this thoughtful post.