This feeling is unreal.

I still don't believe in a couple of hours time I'm going to be in New York, New York (a city so good they named it twice... not). Many of you will think that this is because i am not believing I'm doing something I've talked so long about... but I think its just that i'm embarking on a change in life, to do something so firmly for myself... it feels funny. wrong. different.

scared. excited. alive. walking into the departure gates i've never felt such an urge to cry and laugh at the same time. i've never understood change. never agreed with it. i've always felt betrayed when someone changed in the course of my relationship with them. one moment they say they hate someone, the next they're going out with them. i've always strived to be someone who did not change, who always did what he/she believed in, and never changed those beliefs. well, maybe belief is too strong a word. opinions.

which is funny. i've always prided myself in the unpredictable, the spontaneous. I've always loved the human condition, its flaws, cracks and blemishes. all the things that make people exciting. but here i am feeling betrayed by change. i find myself a conundrum sometimes. wat to do, i'm deep sia.

well anyway, here i am, in a steel (ok ok 20% titanium, most of the rest aluminium alloy) tube flying through the air at 80% the speed of sound, wondering where the next few months will take me. i have no idea. and i've grown to have faith in that. being secure in insecurity. it took so long to buy a ticket cos i felt so funny telling people "ok i know where i wanna go, and its HERE". cos i don't, and i'm happy not knowing. i've always thought of security as a mental concept, state, that occurs when one is comfortable with his/her current situation. I've hated the way that some people gave me a sense of insecurity by frowning on what i do. by trying to make me believe in their reality.

"there's no such thing as the real world, just some lie you've got to rise above" - John Mayer

ok so that line also came out of the same mouth that said that "your body is a wonder, I'll use my hands" eyuck. seriously dude, if you looked like Steve Urkle, the only body your hands are gonna touch is your own.

gotta run. plane landing.