[see below for new entries from Thailand to present]

So I haven't written in awhile. But, I've got plenty of time tonight, so maybe I can remember back a month, to even before the Moulin Rouge party and be able to tell you about Thailand, and about that rough week after we got back... into the next week which was fun-filled and fantastic. And after that, a sort of steady fun day, solid day, lonely day, crazy day... repeat.

I like to think I'm a fairly independent person. I don't necessarily need people around to make me happy. But sitting alone at dinner tonight made me feel kinda lonely. I came in and, as usual, did my survey around the dining hall to see if anyone was there I knew. unfortunately, no faces stuck out of the small crowd. So, I sighed, wondering to myself if I should just grab a plate and steal to my room, or maybe join Lucy in front of the TV-- her post for the past week and a half. Then, I muttered to myself that I wish I had a kitchen so i could at least eat by myself in private... grabbed a plate and served a bit of the mush, found some veggies, and took a seat. Thankfully, Cass showed up about 10 minutes later and joined me, but boy! It made me miss knowing so many people back home that I would have killed to have a meal with and just laugh about fun times. I can see it now-- being at Jeff's place with Pete and Geary and Sara and Dave and whoever else, after that football game. Jeff's grilling, Dave's offering us all a beer, and the rest of us are at the poker table, betting pennies against each other. I've found a koosh ball and have decided it's really rather amusing to pelt it at Petie when he's not looking. He screams OW! and then pelts it right back as I debate whether to cower or try to wrestle it back from him... Sigh... but, snap out of it, Jan... you're here, not there.

Dave mentioned when I interviewed him for an article I wrote that he was in a bit of an emotional valley. He didn't say it quite like that, but did claim that when he left for Australia, the study abroad office warned him that there would be a sort of roller coaster of emotions throughout his time. However, the big dip was supposed to happen soon after the initial arrival.... but for him, it happened right around the beginning and middle of September. Right about the time that friends back home are going back to school, enjoying catching up and partying, and just living the life he left. I really identified with what he said then, and I still feel it quite a bit. Since I started getting the flurries of emails of my friends catching up and planning parties and just reliving memories they have and creating new ones... it's been hard. Especially since I'm friends with mostly fourth years who are also graduating uni, have 4 years of memories in their friendships... even when I'm included, the nature of things makes me feel like even more of an outsider. As much as I'm a part of things here, I'm so very very seperate. It's a feeling I've tried to escape since middle school. (Karl, you know what I'm talking about!)

Don't get me wrong. I've been having so much fun here in Australia, it's ridiculous. But it's most certainly coupled with equally low times.

As much as I absolutely love Australia, and could easily come back and live up this culture-- the weather, the surfing, the laid-back living, the crazy people, the easy access to beaches, warm winters, and a ton of people who are so active with sport-- leaving so many comforts at home would be so difficult! Then again... we're all going to disperse from UVA anyway.

This experience is bearing up on the future and as they clash, I'm going mad!!!!!

I've been avoiding writing because every time I have some time to write, I am usually not in the best of moods. After I write this entry, I'll shape it up and try to write the entries as they should be told.