I Need A Hero, I’m Holding Out For A Hero…ah whatever!
Eh up rat fans,
It’s been a while so either delete this straight away or prepare yourself for tales longer than a rat who’s drinking my mate Prescotts body booster shakes.
Last few weeks in Sydney were general mayhem up at 4.30am to watch champo league final went back to bed at half time, congratulations to Milan on an easy win. Work subsided in a blur of free bars, lots of cocktails including a molotov one hurled
at the office by some chjeeky local Sydney scamps and a raging inferno that thretened to consume the office!
After getting royally lashed at work we were just about to wedgie thesecurity guard when alert potential firefighter Briggs smelled burning.Assuming the voluvonts i’d placed in the oven were burning, i ran into the kitchen area to see a tea towel on fire….
Utter bullsh*t version…. I raced past the terrified office workers
without a thought for my own life, grabbed a bottle of soda water, ripped the cap off with my teeth and saturated the 10ft high flames, saving three young orphan children and a ferret. To rapturous applause my office workers congratulated me and promised that James Briggs commerative plaque would
be on the wall the following week.
The truth…… having seen a girl in a weary state i took her to the
sanctuary of the kitchen to get her some water, seeing a flame flicker froma tea towel on the hob, i blew the fire making it bigger (proving that i could’ve been a caveman) and then found a bottle of water to douse the flames causing a massive smoke cloud which set off the fire alarm automatically calling the fire brigade and ensuring the fire exits were used to make a quick exit.
James Briggs consequently blacklisted from the Data Entry Christmas Party.
On the road now in ‘Frank the Tank’ our unstoppable (almost) mirth mobile. I say almost as we conked out on the motorway after waiting to see how long the car could run on red for. We all hopped from the car cursing and kicking the big burgundy beast before using our cummulative knowledge of cars to conclude that it wasn’t the water, oil or anything to do with the broken
car speakers. Sheepishly walked to petrol station, flirted with pasties and beef jerky before admitting we needed a can of petrol.
WARNING! (Lack Of Punctuation Ahead). Right deep breath………….Been winetasting trying not to sound like a beer yobbo, by drinking every wine going and then offering descriptions such as earthy and barnyardy before drooling in sleep on way home. Saw some Kangarooneys, saw some fins (not that lanky chap from hollyoaks) in water after stupidly getting up for sunrise, ran far far away from sunrise upon fin sighting, woken by something tearing up campsite pooed myself thinking it was bears or walking sharks only to get up and see it was a turkey type thing immediatly called Bernard Matthews to sort things. Showed rugged outdoor man skills by cannoing across a dangerous lake,got half way across but kept going round in circles until someone told me i was in it the wrong way round. Got flashed (not be a hot eastern european student) but rather
by a speed camera cue banana noses and trilby hats for the rest of the journey. Did tarzan impression off rope swing doing that noise he makes but in a more scared fashion. Went to a naked community (not the ashton/allen/prescott household) and decided to stay fully attired in case of erm rain and escaped panda bears. Booted out of campsite at 7am by a camp man (not trigger) for playing frisbee or something to loudly. Went to Dorrigo (Tony, great mullet), Belengen, Byron and Stingly bay (thx presc), into a bar called Cheeky Monkies which was totally devoid of anything resembling a simian except for the knobhead rugby types. Decided to try and do some exercise and went running on the beach was chased by a playful dog that wanted to run alongside me, how nice……but no the little f*cker sank his dirty diseased gums into my leg!! Being the animal lover that i am a gave it a swift kick to the ribs which resulted in a strangely satisfying whining sound coming from its stupid snout. The moral of the story is don’t exercise.
Onto Nimbin the drugs capitall of Aus where we like totally vegged out and had intelligent conversations on decriminalising such brain wasting activities, most conversations ended with the word dude or man mind. Undercover cops (they were wearing duvets) tried to bust a local dealer but the Nimbin community ripped him free to the whoops of onlookers.
In Surfers ‘shithole weather tacky’ paradise which was just a plain booze fest, went to ‘wet n wild’ water park which was just that with lots of blasphemous action going on there as we ran past little kids knocking theminto hedges and giggling like buffoons and generally acting like a 5 yr old….superb. Now in Brisbane sh*tting bricks that i’ve got rabies as i’m drooling over the keyboard.
Hope you are all enjoying the summer its winter over here and a tad (rebecci) cold, just bought a vest for some reason so if anyone knows of any big biceps in 1 day courses or alternatively sleeve addition outlets please feel free to mail me. Fruit picking next………so i’ll have more fruity tales soon (groan, boo)
take care
james xxxx
Tags: Australia, Byron Bay, Nimbin, Surfers Paradise, Travel, Wine
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