Why I should have been voted off of Tribe Libra. A short discourse on how to be the worst trekker ever and other stories from my trip into the wilderness.

Becoming the worst trekker ever is a weighty decision. You must make it several months in advance of your actual trek or you will not be able to achieve the desired results.

1. you should cease almost all aerobic activity. This is the cornerstone of my tried and true approach. This is closely followed by..

2. move to a place at or below sea level... a place where the largest hill is a speed bump. Delaware is ideal.

3. finally, wear shoes/sandals that do not quite fit. This causes foot instability and also if you are lucky... debilitating blisters that will really slow you down! Sadly I was unable to reach the debilitating stage... so I had to make do with only rubbing a layer of skin off of my big toe. Damned chacos are supposed to be the best thing ever.

Anyway... these are pretty much the steps you need to follow if you want to be a super-slow trekker, like yours truly.

So....last Friday I set out on my first ever trekking adventure. It was a 3 day, 2 night trek in the northern hills of Thailand.. organized by my guesthouse, the Libra.

Tribe Libra consisted of 4 Americans (myself, Joe, Alison, and Daniel), 4 Canadians (Todd, Stephanie, Brandon, and Steve) and 4 Swedes (Younus, Maria, Olle, and Josephin)...and with the exception of me, they were all super-speed walkers. The blitzkreig of trekking!

We left the Libra by piling into a songthaeuw. These trucks are far from the most comfortable ride ever, but I guess they serve their purpose. It was about 3 hours of driving before we reached the point where we were to start our trek. We climbed out, got our little army bags, ate some cold rice and vegetable gruel and set off!

It was a 30 minute walk to the waterfall. Not a bad little trek. I didnt find it too hard so thought I would be ok... The falls were really nice. I'd post a picture, but I lost my bloody camera in the Lahu village. We went swimming... aka "shower", which seemed silly since we had another 2 hours of trekking to go. Those 2 hours were so hard. The uphills were fierce and I was completely out of breath. And the downhills were dangerous, b/c I couldnt find secure footing so often times ended up falling down. The path was so narrow anyway, with a nice drop off to my left... Oh my buddha! Thanks Num (our guide) for not letting me fall off into a ravine or something. I was certainly close. I couldnt enjoy the scenery since I was watching my feet so intensely... and I couldnt even chat with the other trekkers b/c I had fallen so far behind. I was starting to wonder what the hell I was doing!?

Thankfully, we finally reached the end of that brutal trek. We got to the village... smelly, tired and half-starved. We ate the pumpkin curry and rice like it was going out of style. Then after dinner we were bombared by Lahu tribeswomen trying to sell us handicrafts. They popped out of nowhere and kept tugging at our elbows until we relented. I escaped with just a small bracelet... but some folks came out completely bedecked in hats and change purses... etc. Afterwards we were all quite worn out.. and Num had saved all the tribal moonshine for himself, so we just went to bed. Well I tried to sleep atleast, but sleeping on a bamboo floor isn't really all that comfortable.

Eventually the morning came... heralded way to early by the roosters under our hut.. and we got up, breakfasted and set out for more trekking. This time.. 3 hours! eeeek! I thought i was completely doomed, but Num cut me a walking stick... which turned out to be my salvation. It kept me from falling into any more ravines... and from just falling down period. Oh I was still slow, but not falling down is a marked improvement. We finished the 3 hours at the river.. and we were ramished again.. so wolfed down the basic ramen noodle type dish. Then came the best part of the whole trip. We split up into groups of 4 and went rafting down the river on bamboo rafts! We had to use bamboo poles to steer and avoid crashing into rocks and the like. A pro alreadySo much fun, even if I tried to destroy our raft when my walking stick got caught on some low branches, and if my raft blew its huge lead and ended up coming in last. At the end of the ride we showered in the river (which was difficult b/c I lost my soap in the current)... but it felt so nice to be "almost" clean.

from there it was a quick walk to the Lisu village... for another stay in a bamboo hut. First we played with the kids.. well some of us were too tired and just watched. Then we had more curry and rice for dinner, which was then followed by more shopping in the market the tribe set up around the campfire. The english is this tribe was much better.. and they apparently train their kids from birth to say "HELLO!! You buy from me!" Everyone has the same routine. They shout you down "Hello, hello, HELLO!" until you have to look to make them stop, and then they show you some handicraft that they want you to buy. This "shopping" was my least favorite part of the trip. There was so much pressure on you to buy something, it was unnerving. You feel guilty because you have so much wealth in comparison and irrirated that you are being identified as only a walking baht sign. Went to bed that bed that night in another bamboo hut, 5 star digs the proud owner of a necklace and an interesting tribal bag. They seem to be quite popular over here, but mine is obviously the coolest.

We woke up on Sunday to toast and scrambled eggs (eat your eggs son! somehow dad, I managed to eat them... I guess b/c I knew I wasnt getting any noodles for many hours). We set off on the final day of our trek. Four elephants came to the village to pick us up. The elephants were quite slow (which beats a stampede), but the chair with the iron bar that digs into your back has left me maimed! I can only wonder how uncomfortable it is for the elephant? Me, Olle and Josephin on the elephant.

After the elephants we got back into our songtheaux for a quick ride to a cave. We parked and a short hike later, turned on our flashlights and went into the earth. Really cool, except that you cant see all that much w/ just a wimpy "torch". The cave was so humid I came out completely drenched in sweat. ... quite disgusting especially with a 3 hour songthauew ride coming up. me in the light at the end of the tunnel But otherwise I made it out unscathed (can't say the same for Joe's head, which needed stiched) and managed to avoid all the hude spiders. EEK. We had more noodles and trekked back to our bus to return to the Libra.

On the way back we stopped as a gas station... where I absolutely destroyed some chocolate ice cream and milk. Ohhh... it was heaven after coming out of the wilderness. That night, Tribe Libra decided to go out for some real food. After 30 minutes of intense scrubbing... and the only semi-clean clothes I had left (my PJs)... I headed out with the tribe to the Riverside restaurant. By far the priciest place I have been while over here. My whole meal cost could have bought me acommodations for almost a week. But the splurge on steak was worth it. This gal can only take so many rice and noodle concoctions.

Next up... learning Thai massage. And then a change of scenery is in order. North or south? What do you think?