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October 07, 2003

furthered me

It's been about a month of learning since I wrote last, and so much and so little has happened. I working as much as possible, and still finding that I'll never be able to save enough money up...hehe, not like that's gonna stop me tho...

I leave on Nov. 8th for Los Angeles and Nov. 13th from LAX to Amsterdam. . .
there's a lot that's happened to my trip, tho, and its' creating a lot of mixed feelings for me.

Due to a lot of financial bad luck, I know I can't last long in Europe, plus my Peace corps assignment has been moved up to early spring, soooooo I'm going almost straight to Thailand from Europe. I figure a couple of days in Amsterdam, a week in Paris and I'll head to Bangkok...With the money I have now I can last two months in Thailand, and prices will be better at that time of year anyway.
---but as for my feelings it feels like I'm failing a little bit...The usual "if only I hadn't gone out that weekend," and "if only I had worked harder/longer etc."---but as my good good friend steve a.k.a. Scott "Jesus look alike contest winner" B. says; Shoulda woulda coulda, pshaw. I'm having fun and getting to be a stronger and happier person day by day.

Not that I was in the pits really lately, but the closer I get to my departure date the stronger my emotions get, the better my outlook on everything is...and the better I feel...It's a good experience, and all the better becauase I'm doing it on my own. I have a couple friends left here, and I've met tons of people, but the truth is that there isn't anyone here for me to really talk with. At first I felt pretty lonely, but for real, I'm fun as hell so why not just hang out with myself and maybe some people whom I click with will show up soon...and as always, when I let go an just make the best of it---things start workin...

I haven't really found any people to hang with yet, but I've met random people at the right times and have had my spirits lifted when I needed it most.
It reminds me of when I lived in Los Angeles and everythin was perfect. I was single and at the top of my personal best in every respect. Life was so fun and righteous all the time. And seriously righteous; my friends and I gave so much love to so many people it was like we created a little happy world in LA for ourselves with a couple hundred beautiful and wonderfully good people. I never had to be with anyone cause I was happy with myself all the time. totally confident etc etc etc...I learned a lot at that time, and I worked for all of it too...but man there's something about a heartbreak that can shake a person's confidence.

Forget about it...that story's ending and the new chapter's are comin in for editing.

Right now I'm kinda tripping on the no money thing...grrr. don't know what else to say about it. hope i can find work is all, hehe.
ummm....stay on topic here, ummmm....I guess what I'm writing about here is me, so you have to get to know the totally absent minded side....
although, dig this...What I want to get out in this category is the idea that here's me, an average kid from the midwest, trying to figure a lot of stuff out, and here's joe-or-joanne-looking-up-something-on-the-computer-about-travel who is also trying to figure a lot of stuff out. poof. maybe something I type will spark a thought that is positive or creative in someone. that would be stellar.

ok, soooo...what the hell am i trying to figure out? how to be the best possible human being I can be, while having the best possible time I can have, and experiencing as much stuff as I am able.

It's a long road being a conscious human being sometimes, i think. I notice how little I have in common with so many people sometimes, than I realize that that's ego and I open's a total cycle of learn/forget-learn/forget. see what I mean? most people I meet are so worried about their outfit/mortgage payments/children/future/past/dog's teeth/school/car/phone bill/hernia that to have a decent conversation in which some actual information or sentiment is conveyed is almost possible. I miss being able to have conversations like that...conversations that at least felt like they meant something.

maybe it's just getting older? the pipe dreams of before kind of fade into an assimilation of reality? I'm to much of a pragmatist to be into pipe dreams...but what is it about getting older that makes things less bright and crisp? my dreams are still here, and my goals still in sight...but I feel embittered towards other people here at times. is that cool to be frustrated with people for being silly, when It's the majority of the people? does it matter?

hmmmm. some people have called this the 27 syndrome. the "where am I going and what am I doing"thing. man I hope it's just a phase thing cause this whole life deal just keeps on getting more and more confusing the more I figure out...
ok...enough train of thought. I'm sure there's actually not anyone still reading this. so I guess I'm typing for myself here at this point. good thing I type fast or I'd be pretty bored by now. sheesh I hope no one is still reading this. although I can dig that whole 'it's super late and I'm just reading this to have something to read" deal, in which case: repeat the following aloud-"nicaraugua. . . chili con carne. . .beetle. . .porpoise."

to those of you that get it--let's all point at those furrowing confused brows and throw tomatoes.
for the rest of you--no worries!

Posted by Colin on October 7, 2003 03:03 PM
Category: me me me

I read the whole fucking thing buddy, and unfortunately i can't type as fast as you can. Colin my friend, more than anything i wish that i was still going..... but so much has happened to me in the past half year it is frightening, I just wish you the best my friend, i hope you make it happen more than anything, i just moved into a new house, so call me if you want 8187020162, this is justin by the way

Posted by: Justin on October 9, 2003 01:24 AM

Hey Grey,

Of course we're still listening. Didn't I comment on your trip to Chicago!!!

Please call me when you get to L.A. so we can get together. Pints on me!


Posted by: socalgirl on October 14, 2003 03:35 PM

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