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Will the Real Writer of This Blog Please Stand Up?

” I read and walked for miles at  night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. I never imagined that that person could be me.”

–Anna Quindlin 

You know, over the past two years or so I’ve worn a million different hats, trying to be whoever I needed to be to manage life on the road.

Now, back at home, I fnd myself trying to do the same thing: juggling  a million different versions of myself, depending on what’s going on at the moment and who I need to be to make it work for me.

But, somehow, traveling, the act of travel itself, made me realize that I am the person I was looking for my whole life. And that I can be a lot of different people all at once.

I’ve got lots of different versions of myself: caregiver; earth shaker ; sweet homemaker;  animal lover ; powerful amazon! ; reality breaker ; glamorous do gooder ; mother ; friend ; lover; sister; and so many more.

Lately I’ve been pondering how to make that all work together to accomplish all the things I want to do.

In the past, pre-trip, I would have felt like I couldn’t be me, because I didn’t think I could take all of those different versions or parts of myself and look at them as a whole.

Now, I can. I realize that I can do every single thing I set out to do, and that somewhere in me is the right person for getting it done right. Gone are the identity crisies, the wondering if/when/why/how/and why me?

Everyday, I look back on the trip with complete gratefulness that I did it and with awe at the woman I’ve become because of it… It’s given me alot of stength to..stand up for what I believe in; to see, with clarity and vision, what is to come.

I live in a small town. Sometimes this can feel restricting, like everyone knows your business and everyone has kind of preconcieved notions about who you are.

Interestingly, this used to really hold me back from being myself (whoever that was at the moment), but now it kind of invigorates me. It doesn’t make as much difference to me what people think as it used to. In fact, I find it to be an interesting challenge to be whoever I need to be despite the impression that it makes.

It’s just time to be real.

When I first went on my trip, I remember crying alot. I didn’t think I could do it, I’m not even sure I wanted to do it. All I knew is: I had to do it, or I felt like I would be one of those people  who went through the rest of life, broken and blaming and sad that they didn’t follow their dream.

I was afraid of what I would lose, and apprehensive about what I would gain.

Well, I did lose the man I loved.

Which was, of course, a fear I had. But the good news about it is that I’m moving on, and opening myself up to whatever is next. And so something that was difficult is now turning into something that represents possibility and new people in my life.

Going on the trip also meant that I gained a sense of myself–that, quite frankly, I feel could have only been gained by the severe trials on my journey. The confidence with which I am able to approach life right now–in spite of my emotional life being somewhat confusing at times–the confidence I have: it is real, it’s alive, and it’s presence puts me at ease in every situation: whether good or bad.

I’m going to use that sense of self the coming months alot. I’m relying on it to clear the way for me so that I can do all the things I have decided are important.

Here are a few:

1.)  I’ll be involved again with the indigenous organization in Panama, MEDO, that I was working with before. Not only will I be the active secretary and world wide volunteer coordinator, I’ll be working with them this summerfor two weeks in July to build a women’s center in Western Panama. I’ll also be developing a way to continously give them aid financially and otherwise, to fund various other public projects, particularly those that benefit women and children. More on this later..it’s it’s own entry.

2. ) I’ll be working with developmentally disabled adults for the next two years, with the end goal being to start a sustainable cooperative garden/farm that teaches and works with developmentally disabled adults exclusively. The goals will be to teach basic skills, to provide jobs, to boost confidence, and to encourage conservation, water wise gardening, recycling, and organice methods of green living. This idea came out of my work in India, and the beautiful experiences I had with the kids at the orphanage.

3. ) Hey, why not go ahead and do the impossible? Or, at the ery least, what most people consider impossible: Adopt a child. An older child, with special needs.

For you naysayers (oh, my goodness, so many people in this category that it would be depressing if I didn’t know that you all don’t have the benefit of the motivation I do: Those boys smiling, shining faces back in India–and how I felt when I let go and  loved them. I’m the lucky one, and that’s something that you might not understand unles syou experienced it yourself. ) Anyway, I’ll say this to you all:

” All I ask of you, is to consider the question, ‘Why Not?’, for twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you did not do than the things that you did. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbors. Catch the trade winds in your sails.”

–Mark Twain

I’ll be working towards my goal of adopting a child, preferably Mitun (whom I’ve mentioned before) from India. The goal is to have him here in about 3-3 1/2 years. To do this will require the patience of a saint; a deep spiritual life (because it’s not to going to happen all on my own!); funding; savvy about the system; and a working knowledge of Hindi and sign language. If he doesn’t end up having enough paperwork to come here, then it’s all about being open to whatever child does. Either way, one thing that’s clear is that a child will be coming, and that that child will proabably be deaf/mute (as these are a group of kids that would clearly benefit from US adoption.)

4. ) Be a person in my community that represents what is possible. So many casual conversations I have had these last few weeks have been ones where someone told me that they couldn’t do something or other. I guess.. I’m treating it all like an adventure. I mean, after you’ve done some of the things I’ve done around the world, why not tackle some of those things you thought you  thought you couldn’t back at home?

Like giving a speech. Planting a garden. Buying a canoe. Going hang gliding. Salsa dancing. Talking to people you never have before. Joining clubs and taking part in community life.

Building an outdoor shower. Taking an auto repair class. Building  a radio. Learning a few more languages. Painting a mural (yes, I’m actually going to be painting  a large mural!).

One thing I’ve been doing alot is hiking, which is something I was always afraid to do by myself before, and now I find that I actually enjoy it. For some reason, those nutty stories about some guy hacking a lone hiking woman into pieces always got in the way of me having a good time before…and now, I go by myself and really enjoy that I can go by myself.

Saying goodbye to my exboyfriend, now that was hard. Wow, I still think it’s hard everyday. But for my own self worth and my own growth, I recognize that goodbye is the right choice for me. Yet, I know I couldn’t have tackled that without having traveled and been in situations that were uncomfortable, but in the end helped me to grow in the direction I needed to at that time.

5. )  Inspire myself, don’t wait for others to inspire me. Live the life I’ve imagined could be lived. I think..before I went on the trip, I was..let’s face it..kind of the victim type. Things happened to me, I didn’t make things happen. Now I’ve got another take, which is, live life powerfully. Own it, it’s yours. Live a life that inspires you. Other people may hear about what I’m doing and think what I’m tackling the impossible, or it may inspire them, who knows? But the important thing is to make the most of it and to inspire myself.

“One of my motivating forces has been to recreate the world  I know into a world I wish I could be in. hence my optimism and happy endings…”

–Kristen Hunter

6. ) Keep travel a part of my life–always and forever. A month or so ago I told myself, “Well, never again! No more trips! I just want to sit on my front porch and relax. No more peeing on the side of the road in front of a bus load of Guatemalans, no more showering with a bucket!”

 But a month later, I find myself already fantasizing about the next trip!  (While sitting on my front porch, of course! The best of both worlds!)

I’ll be heading to Panama this summer..maybe I’ll get a stopover in Nicaragua or El Salvador..

Then I’ll be going back to the orphanage in India in December to meet Mitun and the other boys, and I know I’ll be heading back to Bihar, even if it means a sleepless night on an uncomfortable train again or wearing full purdah. And maybe..just maybe, I’ll get a nice stopover, like Korea or China or the Philippines.

So who am I? Do gooder, community leader (someday!), decorator, designer, entrepreneur, volunteer, adventuress? Writer, artist, silly friend, person to go in times of trouble, Organizer, manager, leader?

I’m all of those things and more. It amazes me to know that I wouldn’t be any of these things, if I hadn’t had the guts to go out and be in the world. I could have just as well kept living my tiny life.

Instead, I’ve had to grow into the woman that fits the life I now have.

Some days, I wake up and I can’t believe I’m me, that this is my life.

It’s strange, but it’s good.

So I can’t exactly say who I am at this moment, who is writing the blog, who is deciding what is next…truthfully, I’m being so many different people at once that no one characteristic stands out. But I know that whoever I am being, I’m making sure that whatever I am doing I am doing it well.

“Whatever you are, be a good one.”

–Abraham Lincoln

gigi



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24 responses to “Will the Real Writer of This Blog Please Stand Up?”

  1. [ Editor Note: Cliff, your comment has been partially deleted. Please follow the PFC’s comment policy and focus your attenion on the subject]@CherishOff late the discussions on this forum aren’t good. Everybody is hell bent in proving their point and nobody wants to listen. If some gora had made movie on upper strata then also these cynics would have problems saying exactly reverse India is not all about the rich and billionares:)To hell with these people

  2. I almost never comment, but I browsed some of the responses here this blog name. I do have a couple of questions for you if you do not mind. Could it be only me or does it look as if like a few of these comments come across like they are coming from brain dead folks? 😛 And, if you are posting at other places, I would like to keep up with anything fresh you have to post. Would you post a list of the complete urls of all your social community pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

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