The last few weeks have been messy.
I went thru an unexpected breakup and I haven’t written much about it on the blog. I mean, this is a travel blog, right?
On the other hand, coming home and finding it hasn’t worked out is part of that “coming home” experience as well. That is–whether I like it or not– the breakup is now a part of my round the world trip. Not talking about it seems weird.
Yet, I don’t feel like writing much about it because it’s hard to know where to start, and I’m trying to keep things moving on in my life.
Yesterday, the other person involved told me to change what I had written, or even to erase it, because people he knew were looking at it and it apparently my words didn’t seem kind and so forth.
I didn’t erase it–but I made a few changes to it.
But it does call into question, Whose blog is this anyway?
I mean, the thing I love about blogging is that I can write what I want. It’s like a journal, and it’s real and in the moment. That doesn’t mean I want to get petty and small minded and say something inappropriate either, but who decides what can be on it is me. And only me. oh, and Bootsnall!
I’ve thought about it overnight and what ‘Ive come up with is that one thing I’ve noticed about my blog is that when I can’t be frank and open and honest, I don’t like writing it. When I feel like I have limits about what I can say, I don’t say much.
Case in point: working at the “Buddhist” monestary in England. I was working there for some time before I realized that it wasn’t exactly what it seemed to be. When I finally discovered this, I felt trapped by the blog itself, because to speak freely about what was going on would make some people unhappy, and might even cause me problems in my life.
So I stopped writing the blog for awhile. I couldn’t deal with the inconsistency of what I was writing and trying to say without saying it and with what was actually my experience.
When I was finally able to write what happened, ah…it was like a breath of fresh air. Such a relief. Because for me, I’ve always been open and honest about where I’m at, and to finally do that was just more of who I was….and in doing so, the blog did gain some naysayers, but also got stronger and more real.
I have been real about my personal inward journey since coming home. Everything I’ve said has been right on.
My personal growth since the trip–and during it–is a source of constant amazement and delight to me, and it is the center from which I am seeing everything now. It’s really wonderful to write about those changes in myself and share them with you on the blog.
But I haven’t been real about what it was like to think you have something/someone/a certain situation back at home, and you’re traveling and that situation you have at home is part of your travels. So there’s this piece missing, and the blog feels unfinished because of that.
I was actually worrying more about his friends and him reading it, than I was about trying to be real to myself and others about how it really has been. And that’s coming from a place of..not exactly caution..I would call it coming from a place of fear. And That’s not me. I’m a powerful person now, and I need to be real and be frank about how it really has been. I don’t need to protect anyone.Maybe I’ll get some naysayers, but then so be it.
You know..when you travel, and you’ve got someone who is commited back at home…
You keep their photo by your bed. You day dream of seeing them again. You talk about them them with everyone you meet on the road. You spend hours emailing them from around the world. You set up your schedule–and sometimes even change your plans–to see them or talk with them. And you’re not doing ths in the comfort of your own home with your laptop..you’re doing this in places that are difficult to live n already. Sometimes walking miles and miles to send one email, or trying to get across town during a strike or a blackout. It’s not easy keeping in touch on the road–especially for the person on the road itself.
All of my travel friends knew I had this relationship at home–it was something I talked about alot and that I took great comfort in. For them, this was a storybook romance of sorts, with me having met a person that loved me so much and vice versa that I was able to fulfill my dream. It inspired others. It inspired me.
To come home and have it not actually be true, was astonishingly heartbreaking. It took my breath away. I cried alot and went through the motions of trying to get my stuff together and make choices about what to do next–all of this in a cloud of disbelief that this was my life, and this was actually happening.
What really affected me most was the physical part of it–I was so tired and feeling unwell to start with, and I had to..put that off..put my concerns for my physical well being aside long enough to deal with what was in front of me and get it done.
It was, I think, one of the worst experiences of my life. It was so shocking to discover the truth. It was exhausting and I was so tired from doing the work I had been doing that I didnt have the skills to process it. I still don’t, but I’m chipping away at it, bit by bit.
Instead of coming home to see friends, I called friends I hadn’t spoken to in a year in tears.
Instead of calling my parents to say hello, I called them and cried on the phone.
Instead of coming back to my small town, thinking I’dhave a nice welcome home party, I had t pack and hold my head up high and change the subject when they asked how I was.
Instead of resting and taking care of my tired body, I stopped sleeping for a week.
That’s all changed now. Things ave taken on their own rountine, their own shape, and life is becoming good again–but mostly because of my confidence in the woman I’ve become on my travels and what she has become.
I’m keeping the focus on myself these days–for awhile anyway. Yes, I do feel sad that it’s over, yes, I do feel sad if writing about it hurts someones feelings or causes discomfort–but hey, he wasn’t thinking of my feelings or discomfort when he made his choices awhile ago.
The question of , “Whose blog is it anyway?” is easy to answer. It’s mine. I’m back.
I don’t think this topic of the breakup will come up again. I’ve said what I needed to say, in this short entry, and I can’t think of anything else that I need to say. All I wanted to do here in this moment was to say how it really was and how it’s been.
Now I can move on completely–both in the blog and in my life.
I’ve got a few adventures planned this year, and I’ll be writing about those this week, as well as beginning the long process of transferring copious ournal entries from my trips to Bihar.