The Calcutta Diary: A Volunteer’s Experience
Although I don’t have morethan a few minutes, I’ve decided to spend them giving you all a brief update since yesterday..
I spent the night dreaming horrible dreams, scenes from the hospital. I’ve been dreaming of these horrors every night since a week ago–how can one not? It’s been impossible to process it all while I am actually awake.
I awoke feeling awful. Again. Not just tired, but physically sick. It seems like I have been nauseated for about 3 days. I think–and so do my freinds here–that it is mental more than physical.
I managed to eat some toast for breakfast and went to work. I was so tired by the time I got there I wondered how I would make it through the afternoon.
I didn’t. i just didn’t have the energy. I made it until about 11 am and then the urge to throw up became so strong I had to leave and go back home. There are many things we deal with at Dany Dan–kids covered in their feces, trying to feed kids rice and dal, and so forth that would nauseate one normally–let a;lone on a weak stomach.
I barely made it home. I went across the street, hoping for a few emails of support and or understanding. but….there was only one, from my boyfriend, very kindly advising me to not over do things and take care of myself.
Hey, I’m trying. I am.
I sent a friend to the hospital today in my stead. She is a nurse, so she can handle it better (she says). She’s going to meet me in about an hour and give me an update so hopefully..I will find out that there has been some improvement.
I’m going to tell her that I have spoken to my Indian friend, and he has offered to go everyday so that we won’t have to.
It’s not that I don’t want to help the sick man (we’ve named him George).
It’s that I can’t.
It’s hurting me mentally and otherwise to even go to that hellish place.
I have never–ever–been in a place where human life had such little value.
And for those of you who think I have been stupid and dangerous in trying to help George–all I can say is, you aren’t here. You have no idea what this place is like.
Even walking to work, one is exposed to God knows what here. It is a filthy place, overpopulated, with lots of sick and dying people. It’s the norm.
Still, it shocks me everyday. I hope I never “get used to it” as I have heard other volunteers say happens.
But I do want to just feel better mentally and physically. IO am overwhelmed, and when i am overwhelmed, I can’t do as good of a job with the kids at Dany Dan–and that is something I have commited to.
So, please, no lectures about my stupidity. (If you were leaning that way) this is a fourth world country, it is not a first world country. Everything is different here.
Send me your positive thoughts. I need them.
gigi
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illuminate.gigi
Stupidity? I don’t think so! Courage, selflessness and integrity is more like it. So it’s made you sick. What else could it do?? It’s good that you’re taking care of yourself and that you know your limits. Cumin misses you, by the way! And so do we…
Dear Gigi,
You are working against your instincts, your instincts of compassion, that all life has value. Yes, this will wear you down mentally and physically. It’s as if you are constantly creating an invisible force field around you. Even Super heros need a break. If I had a super power I would send you a virtual hug that could take the pain and anguish away, and revive your amazing strength.
Take care.
M-
“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”
—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
hello lovely…you are boldness never forget that…ok…
I won’t close my eyes
To the sufferers plight.
In a world full of sadness
I won’t turn off my light.
Our cries for justice are shots in the dark
But our strength’s in our bite
Not in our bark
It’s time to stand
And shout it out loud
And the louder we scream
The sweeter the sound
I won’t close my eyes
To the sufferers plight.
In a world full of sadness
I won’t turn off my light.
I won’t close my eyes
When I know that I’m right
When I’m drowning in tears
I won’t turn off my light
We’re shown no respect
But that can’t break our pride
When our back’s to the wall
We won’t run and we won’t hide
It’s time to stand, face the oncoming crowd
Because the louder we scream
The sweeter the sound
I won’t close my eyes
To the sufferers plight.
In a world full of sadness
I won’t turn off my light.
I won’t close my eyes
When the future don’t look bright
Though the road seems too long
I won’t turn off my light
In a world full of darkness,
I won’t turn off my light.
UB40, “I Won’t Close My Eyes”
…if ever a song could fit a person so well…
Bless you.
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