true life planet

Its been a few days since that last post I wrote about my reservations about this place…

The last few days I just tried to relax, as hardly anyone is here and I can take a few days off.

I realized the day I wrote that last post how exhausted I was-both physically and mentally.

When I first came here, I was a bit overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of the place-as I think I have mentioned, its an English garden fantasy, complete with enormous old mansion, countless garden sheds, meandering paths, and overgrown orchards.

Once here for awhile though, I quickly got into the work groove, which is very scheduled and they seem to have extremely high expectations. Everyone seems kind of stressed out at all they have to do, and even if they don’t express this feeling directly, it of course gets expressed indirectly. Even the day we were supposed to go to the Festival, I had a list of to dos from two people I had to do, and then they told us that we would be working until the last minute as well, housekeeping. The word “no” doesn’t seem to be used alot around here.

I realize now that I arrived at the Festival in somewhat tired and downtrodden state of mind and not with alot of physical energy. Once there, it was one thing after another-meditations, explanations, preparations, volunteering at this or that…there really wasn’t time for much thinking or resting. Perhaps that is how it is designed to be, as if one is exhausted, there’s not alot of time for reflection. You sort of go on automatic.

Coming back here was a relief, and I expected it to be restful. However, many of the residents hadn’t done their chores before leaving and the bathrooms and trash and kitchens had to be done.

Yesterday, I was so tired in the morning when I awoke that I thought I hadn’t sleep at all. I ended up taking the day off and slept thru the entire day and night, with a few tea breaks thrown in.

I awoke feeling better, but decided to take today off as well and start working in the garden again tomarrow. I’ve just been puttering about, doing my laundry and taking care of myself. A little self care goes a long way when you are traveling!

My thoughts on this place remain the same-although I can see clearly that there are some very nice and kind well-meaning people involved here, they perhaps do not have good understanding of the Buddhist way of being in the world. They do not seem to understand what they are agreeing to, and often people just repeat the same little phrases or stories to me.

The general atmosphere of some stress , poor social skills, and isolation seems to have many root causes within the framework of belief here. People seem to use the framework of the Gurus teachings to make excuses for behavior that is not positive.

There are however, some very sweet, genuine people who seem to be trying hard to be good people and practice compassion and ethical behavior.

I have been reading the Gurus main text, and although things are explained quite succinctly, I don’t see an awful lot of examples of people on the way to enlightenment as he explains it. Some people have alot of baggage and seem to be trying to work stuff out. I suppose we are all doing this, no matter what we believe, but a little patience and consideration goes a long way.

I am trying to practice compassion, as I define it, by doing works of mercy here. there are several very lonely people here, and just listening to them and eating a meal with them goes a long way to help them not feel so alone.

One thing that I am thinking about is what has happened to western culture, that people are so lost, so overwhelmed by all that is expected of them..that they literally don’t know where to turn. People are exhausted from trying to just stay employed and have their families, keep a roof over their head and food on the table. So many people seem to be just maintaining, just surviving-not thriving.

People in Wsetern cultures need as much help, as much compassion and acts of service as people from poor countries-yet, it’s so much harder to give it to 1st world folks. Why is this?

I have applied to the Catholic worker House in London, a radical catholic-teaching based group who has a shelter and soup kitchen in the city. (Radical in the sense that it is really committed to peace and justice issues and helping the poor and disadvantaged in the fringes of society)Hopefully I will be accepted to go there for a week.

If I get accepted to help out, this would greatly improve my outlook on England, which at the moment is rainy, dreary, and strange.

I’ll keep you all posted…

gigi

I sit here late at night on the computer in one of the kitchens, trying to sort my thoughts and doing a very poor job of it.

I returned from the festival just a few days ago, saw the Guru, heard what he had to say..and managed to return here in one piece. The  experience of going to the event, surrounded by thousands of people whjo only talked about pretty much the Guru, his teachings, and so on was extraordinary. I’ve never been to anything like that in my life.

In spite of the fact that the people in attendence were of every kind and every age, color, and background, they all seemed to have something in common.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, except to say it has left me with a distinctly uncomfortable impression.

There is something a little bit Stepford Wives about it all , and this in spite of the fact that I met some very nice people.

But I suppose Stepford wives would be very nice, wouldn’t they?

This caused me to come home and do some research on exactly where I am and who I am actually learning Buddhism from. What I discovered has not calmed me-in fact, it has me extremely aware that I am in a place that is not exactly what it seems.

Here is what I discovered(well, actually, this is just a taste of it!):

There are 3 large ” New Religious Movements” in Britain at the moment, and all three of them are claiming to be Buddhist. Each of three groups is quite large, with many folowers, owning large amounts of property and recruiting new members. Each group has a charismatic leader who is the authority and only their texts can be read. These groups run from casual to cult like. The leaders of the groups are Westerners, with a Asian Frontman(or frontwoman).

All 3 of the groups are not included on any official Buddhist roster-in fact, all three groups are causing many problems for Buddhists in the world. They each have their own specific brand of Buddhism, and they don’t allow for disagreement. I may be getting some good basic teachings about Buddhism, but after that, it all gets a bit screwed up.

You can look up the types of groups I am talking about by doing a little research on your own, on new Buddhist groups or new religious movements in Britain and Western countries. I would prefer not to mention their name here as I have come to understand they have links to such things and then would discover what I am writing.

The place I am would definitely not like it if they thought I was writing about them-especially anything negative. They have been known to cause a great deal of problems for people who do so.

I am some what ill at ease after talking to some people on line to with who left the particular group of ” Buddhists” I am currently living with. Based on my conversations with them, I have decided to not write the blog.

I will go back to writing the blog after leaving this place-which may be soon, or maybe not.

I will write my journal entries out and post them on the blog when I leave here.

In the meantime, I will make my own observations, and decide myself whether or not I think it is a cult, or whether its just a bunch of idealistic people with a few nuts thrown in.

It is somewhat interesting, to look at a group and need to decide is it a cult? Or is it not a cult? Such things are sometimes based on arbitrary things, sometimes not.

At the moment, I believe that it is. It requires its members to do many things which would lead me to believe that it is a cult, in spite of being made up of perfectly nice people.

I have met many people that I have liked here and I do not want to harm them with my words-I am accutely concious of this responsibility at this time. That is why it is important to think this over carefully and responsibly.

I do not feel as thought I am in any danger or anything like that-mentally there has been some strain, but I have found my own faith to be especially profound here, and of great comfort. I am also somewhat relieved that the Buddhism here is not neccessarily the Buddhism teaching I will find elsewhere, and look forward to learning more about it somewhere else along the trip.

There is much work to be done here, and I am busy from morning to night, and enjoying this aspect of things very much. The work is very rewarding, and I love what I am doing. For example, I did housekeeping for the last two days, and its such a vast place, I got quite  workout!

I have also had the opportunity to befriend several people here, who are not part of the group, but just visiting like me..and I have found that I can practice being of service to them by being a true friend, which has been a real unexpected pleasure.

So in the meantime, perhaps I will just be thinking why does this appeal so much to us Westerners, this organized type of group? What is it about our culture that gets us all wrapped up in Gurus and so on?

I wil be checking in from time to time, at least once weekly, so no worries, I will keep you all posted.

(I am sorry about the blog, though, as I’ve been missing it alot-I just can’t see writing entries about what I ate for dinner or funny little stories when I’ve got this larger story looming in the background. it just wouldn’t be right or make much sense.)

Until then, take care, as I will be thinking of you all.

Love

gigi

So I’ve been here for two weeks and as yet, been unable to write a single entry about this place or this experience.

Why?

Well, quite frankly, some of it has not been particularly enjoyable. I am at a loss as to how to communicate this well without somehow damaging the name of the particular sect of Buddhists I am living with.

This is certainly a new challenge.

Everyday, I wake up, thinking, today I will be able to write about what I am experiencing..and everyday..I don’t end up writing anything. On the blog anyway.

It’s not like every single aspect of daily life here is terrible-far from it. But there is an awful lot going on here that makes no sense in regards to volunteering here. I also have been allowing myself to get as deep into Buddhism as my poor tiny mind will allow(which isn’t much!) and I have impressions about that as well which are not all favorable.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the only choice I have is to go thru the blog and take out any specifics about the name of the sect of Buddhists and also where exactly I am. Keep a sense of mystery, you know? And free me up so that I can write about what it’s really like, day to day here.

So I’ll be writing you all from…”somewhere in the middle of England”, I suppose!

Tomarrow I am leaving this place, along with everyone else, to head to a big gathering they are having..they call it a festival, but what it actually is a a chance to hear their Spiritual Guide, or Guru.

I am interested in what he has to say, as I have read a few of his books since being here, and they were somewhat interesting. However, the thought of being in a crowd of thousands doesn’t thrill me. I am interested in seeing how the Buddhists are in crowds…will they push and shove? Or will everyone be polite and considerate, even if it means missing the chance to get up close to their Guru?

As accomodation is quite expensive and full anyway, I’m camping. Someone has given me a tent and a sleeping bag, and hopefully I will remember how to put up a tent from a past life. It is supposed to rain the whole time, so having never camped in the rain with hundreds of people I do not know, I am looking forward to the adventure.

In general life here is very ordered, with a set schedule for certain things, and things pretty much stay to that schedule. I’m enjoying the actual work and being able to lend a hand in cleaning up the grounds, which is an awesome task.

What I haven’t neccessary enjoyed are the methods of communication, the seeming lack of social skills, and the management style. Sometimes the way they do things makes me feel small and worried, and that turns into negative thinking.

One thing I have learned form my travels so far is that when you are in a situation that is challenging you, questioning your sense of place or self, I tend to actually discover that I know myself much better than I thought I did. Somehow I always rise to the occassion, even if I don’t want to. But here, I am having trouble with being who I am, which is a generally cheerful, look on the sunny side of life person.

Another thing I am struggling with is Buddhism in general. Buddhists believe in karma-and not some top 40, pick and choose when you want to believe in karma mindset-but, rather, an all pervading, daily, hourly, sense of karma. So the nice part is that they are very nice to bugs, apologizing and praying over one if they kill one by accident(which is all the time)…but the downside is that they believe people are born in to the lives they have, and that some people suffer horribly because it is their karma.

Downside to this point of view? Well, they believe that there is nothing we can do to end human suffering. We can’t give hungry people food, end torture, rescue animals even…because it is that creatures karma to suffer. Well, we can do those things to gain merit, but not to end suffering.

How awful. Particularly for me, because my trip around the world is all about ending suffering, at least on a small scale. But basically my trip makes no sense from the Buddhist point of view, except that I may gather up some merit, which is kind of like brownie points for the next life.If I’ve got enough merit from this life I’m in, I may be able to get a better life in the next life-like I could end up being a lower life form, like a worm, but then in the golden hour, my merit will be measured, and I’ll get to be a nice fat housecat instead.

The result of this belief is that Buddhists believe that the only way to end suffering is to become enlightened beings themselves, which is a somewhat lengthy process of offerings, prostrtations, and meditations, as well as following a series of strict rules for a holy life. So this keeps the focus very inward. (Although I should say that they do pray for world peace and so on, and they do request help for suffering people in their meditations). For them, its all about refining their mind, mind being something kind of specific and obscure at the same time-something that stays with us, from life to life we have(even when reborn as a slug, for example), but this mind isn’t seen.

The mind isn’t like the soul-it’s more of an intellectual concept than anything else.

The only way to get in touch with your mind is to meditate. That’s it. And, to get in touch with your mind for more than a millisecond requires intense concentration and constant practice-and that is even to glimpse it very briefly.

So I’ve been trying out meditation classes and so on when they have been offered. I have yet to see any such mind, but I will tell you that from the few times I have tried to meditate, I can’t believe how many thoughts I have that come out of nowhere and fill up my head! It’s amazing I get anything done at all. Of course, they say it’s like that for anyone, but still-what a shock , all of those random thoughts floating around up there going nowhere.

I’m out of time, have to finish up….

So, I’m off to work in the garden and then today I have to make lunch for everyone.

They asked me what I would need to make lunch and I said, ” Vegetables. Fruits. Thats it.”

And they said, ” Where’s your carb?”

Yes. Where is it? I wasn’t planning on making one, since we have eaten enough carbs here in the last several days to last a lifetime. ( In spite of it being a vegetarian place, it’s a English vegetarian place! Heavy on the dumplings, bread, and so on..) I’ve given in and decided to make baked potatoes.

So thats all the excitement going on here today.

On another subject entirely, looks like I may get a chance to go to P. New Guinea for some volunteering towards the end of the trip. Any thoughts out there on P. New Guinea? I was reading how dangerous it is there, so thoughts of yours would be welcome.

Gigi

Dear readers,

I am sorry to say that I have neglected this blog for a bit too long. Part of this was due to just needing a break (having become a bit of a blog slave!), and part of this was just too..sort of losing my momentum regarding writing in general.

However, the blog is back!

General Updates:

The photos from the Camino de Santiago should be up any day now. I’m afraid some of you will find them a bit dull, as its lots of pictures of the Camino itself and old crumbling houses and green scenery. But for those of you who who have the desire to do the Camino someday yourself, the photos will give you a pretty good idea of what you are in for.

After the Camino, I met up with my boyfriend in Spain and we toured around for a bit.

Unfortunately I was robbed in Madrid( me, and apparently everyone else) of passport and money and so on, and so that colored the start of my vacation with him a bit. Although I liked the Prado and spent several days there, I was not big fan of Madrid-and not just because I was robbed. It seemed very flashy and ..somewhat seedy.

We headed for the city of Palencia after that, which was beautiful, safe, and walkable-full of old city squares and a very beautiful Cathedral. We were really the only tourists in the cathedral, and the guide took a liking to us, so we got an extended all day tour.

After Palencia, we headed back to an area I had walked thru on the Camino de Santiago and had a fondness for- Castrojeriz.

You may recall that it was in this small village I ate pastry, wandered around all day, met some lovely nuns, and in general had my peak experiences on my Camino. So we returned there and ended up spending just short of a week there, doing many of the same things I had done before.

We also walked up to the castle ruins , which overlook the city (spectacular-but don’t look down, unless you want to get some serious vertigo!) , walked tp the ruins of the San Anton Convent outside of town, and made some new friends.

After Castrojeriz, we headed to Santo Domingo de Silo, to hear some monks sing Gregorian chant. The monks there are famous for their singing, and it was worth the trip.

We stayed at this strange hotel run by a very odd family. The wife in particular was very memorable-she was very friendly and yet disagreeable at the same time, if such a thing is possible. She wore flowered dresses, sat in the bar blowing her nose, watching game shows and eating piles of buttered toast. She seemed to begin drinking wine very early in the day…

Santo Domigo de Silos also had a festival going on while we were there, devoted to Mary of the Market, their patron. The main feature of the festival seemed to be all the children of the village, who were marching and dancing backwards up the road to the church several times a day to the sound of a few simple instruments. In spite of the fact that they were small children, they repeated this dance thruout the day for two days, at regular intervals. The children were decked out in frocks (even the boys) with ribbons and white lacy pants underneath. The dancing was at first pretty cool, but after a few days of it I have to admit, I shut the window to block out the music, whose same tune over and over had begun to get on my nerves!

We ended up in Burgos after that-and spent an entire day looking at the famous Cathedral there. Do you think we were getting Cathedral overload by that point? Why yes, we were. It was getting to the point (particularly for me, because I’d just spent weeks walking from Cathedral to Cathedral!) that I couldn’t even think of going into another church… I was so overloaded on religious art.

Burgos, and its inhabitants(particularly women) seemd born to shop. Shopping in fact, seemed to be the main pastime of the residents, other than smoking, drinking coffee, and walking aound visitng tapas places. I am being serious here when I say that Burgos people literally seem to shop all day long, and have their own sense of style that seems different than other areas of Spain, sort of lots of patterns and little suits and every woman wears heels, and is, of course, accompanied by shopping bags.

Burgos also had a big yearly festival going on while we were there.

Actually, it seemed to be festival time no matter where we were in Spain during those three weeks..

But their festival had these enormous plastic and paper people walking around, operated by these guys who had to get inside of them. It was quite interesting to watch them parade around. Unfortuantely, the festivals also seem to be accompanied by loud parties in the streets until all hours, so I’m afraid we did not sleep well while in Burgos!

After Burgos, we headed for another area entirely-The city of Taragona, which is near Barcelona. We went to see the Roman ruins, and ended up being surprised by how much we enjoyed the city’s relaxed, mediteranean vibe-us, and tons of other tourists who had obviously come for exactly the same thing.

The Roman ruins were really amazing-what was most interesting to me was how they were just sort of wedged in here and there, amongst apartment buildings and people hanging their laundry. Inside, they were creepy and dark, and surprisingly in very good condition. Some of them were in such good condition that they were used as prisons in Spain until quite recently!

We ended our time in Spain with a few days in Barcelona, which has to be the most worthwhile city in Spain to visit. It has a great relaxed vibe, and feels like Spain, but is more..international in flavor. We stayed in a beautiful place, ate some delicious food, and spent our last few days in the country looking at Gaudi.

Gaudi was a a rather strange guy who created some very interesting buildings and public areas in Spain-the best of which are in Barcelona.

It’s a bit difficult to describe his work, except to say when you look at it, your immediate reaction is somewhat incredulous, as it’s so many different textures and materials all it once it’s hard to believe someone imagined it at all, let alone figured out how to build it. His buildings are…organic..sort of dripping, melting, fluid creations of stone, cement and mosaic.

We spent one day looking at the Sagrada Familia, his enormous Cathedral. It was started but never completed, and work continues to this day. In fact, going there, you don’t feel like you are in a church, but rather a huge construction site, a craftsmans workshop, a sculpters studio…walking into it, the entire center area is filled to the brim with workmen and scaffolding and mold makers and so on. Of course the down side is that it is also filled with tourists and vending machines-I wonder what Gaudi would have thought of that.

The Park Guell is another Gaudi creation we spent some time at. A enormous park overlooking the city, it too was never finished due to a lack of money? interest? and so on..the last work done on it by Gaudi was in 1915. Yet, in spite of this, it is a breathtaking park, full of his typical dripping, fluid, otherworldly stone and cement creations. Some areas feel quite church like, in fact.

The mosaics there are really spectacular-and being a mosaic artist myself, it’s like going to a holy site of something like that! I had seen the mosaics there in pictures, but nothing really does it justice in a photo-you just can’t get the effect, the scale of it, and the organic quality of it until you see it in person.

Unfortunately, people actually were sitting all over the sculptures and getting in the way of really being able to see them the way they were meant to be seen. In fact, there were so many tourists there that it was incredible..lots of school outings, lots of teenagers, lots of tour groups…if I hadn’t been looking at Gaudi, it wouldn’t have been all that enjoyable!

In Barcelona, my boyfriend and I said a tearful and hearftfelt goodbye. For now, anyway. As the trip continues on, I know we will meet up somewhere else along the way. Still, it is hard, saying goodbye until then. It may be some time before we are able to see each other again , and I think we were both really aware of that fact on that last morning together. yet, I think we both think the trip is a good thing. The fact is, it’s just something I have to do, in spite of the fact that it makes some things in life really challenging.

From Barcelona, I flew to London, where I barely got into the country! Apparently England is a strange country about who they let in and who they don’t-strange in the sense that they are very picky with alot of rules. So I remained in customs for 2 hours while they debated my fate.

It all had something to do with my destination, as I had told them I was going on a spiritual retreat to this Buddhist monastery, and then they asked me if I would be doing any work there, and I said (albiet, somewhat stupidly) yes. I didn’t eloborate too much, just siad I might do a bit of gardening or something, but this put them into a panic and they began considering me in a different light.

Finally, they let me in, as I had them look up that I had a ticket out of the country on September 3rd, so I would be on my way soon enough, thank you very much!

I was let go with the following specific instructions, ” That it will overlooked , any volunteer work that I undertake, at said monastery, due to it being a spiritual retreat. However, they will be keeping an eye on me, and looking out for any possibility that I might take up volunteer work elsewhere. Additionally, I am absolutely forbidden to volunteer anywhere else at any time in the country, and if this is discovered, I will be deported immediately.”

I actually have a document that says all that. How ridiculous. So even if someone needs something, I can’t help them, at all. What is the world coming to?

Leaving London..is not easy. Getting to the monastery..even harder. Luckiliy for me, English men are the nicest, sweetest men I have ever met, everyone of them a gentleman, and excellent with giving directions, as well as insistent on waiting around for your train and then making sure you are well situated, with another person to help you along. I think this happened to me at least 3 or 4 times on my way to Derby, so that by the time I had arrived in Derby, I had no ill will or resentment lingering from the grumpy and difficult officers in the airport, and had instead decided that they were an exception and that English people in general are the nicest people in the entire world!

Arrival at the monastery was strange-I ended up taking a taxi there, and when I got out and went in thru the front door, there was no one around, so I sat around for awhile. It turned out everyone was in some sort of meditation retreat, and I finally found someone who directed me to my room upstairs, where I went and promptly feel asleep until the next morning.

I’ve been here now for a week.

My feelings for the place have changed day by day. Sometimes I like it very much, other times I feel like its too remote. I actually haven’t even left the grounds(it’s 38 acres) yet, and there is only a small village nearby, so there is not much reason to go anywhere.

My first few days I did alot of differnt jobs, from toilet cleaning to furniture moving..but now things have taken a differnt turn and I am assigned the front garden for the entire length of my stay!

As I am a gardener, this is delight.

Let me say also that the grounds here are spectacular, the things of dreams. For a person who loves to garden, to be able to be here working on these gardens is simply amazing, as much of the plantings are quite old, and one gets to work with alot of classic plants like peonies and so on.

However, none of the residents here garden. In fact, they have not had a gardener for more than 5 years. This means that the gardens that are such a delight are overgrown and overrun with weeds and alot of invasive plants. Whole sections have to be dug up and replanted. Althougth the classic English garden looks simple, in truth, it’s not. It’s a lot of work to get it to look that way.

So, my job is to get it beautiful again, which is very exciting, and I am finding this particular job to be very interesting and rewarding. And-certainly very different than anything else I have done so far! I definitely feel like it is meeting the purpose of the trip, to be of service, as since the people here have no gardening experience, they need someone here to take care of things rather desperately.

I also have been to a course on Buddhism, since my arrival happened to be around the same time as a weekend long course on the subject. I am surprised about what I have learned so far, and it seems to be much different in practice than what I assumed it to be in the past. Perhaps this is because in the USA , we have many people who say they are Buddhist, but they aren’t really practioners-they just like certain ideas perhaps, and leave the rest. I’ve also been learning how many types of Buddhism there are-there are loads!

I am stuggling with the English accents, as depending on where a person is from, their accent can sometimes be quite broad, or can turn into sort of a mumble. There are a few people who can’t understand me, either. I truly do feel like I am in a foreign land!

Tea drinking is an important custom that happens thruout the day, and every few hours, no matter what you are doing, you stop and have a cup of tea. tea making is a fine art, and I of course, got it all wrong from the start, but I think I am getting the hang of it. People here take their tea extremely seriously-but coffee just seems to be an afterthought… too bad, as I am a coffee drinker.  I’m trying to get into  the tea-thing, and who knows, I may develop an obsession for it myself.

As for how to treat writing about this place, the beliefs the people hold here, and the experience in general, I’ve been debating about this all week. I’ve finally decided to treat the whole thing in the same manner I treated the Ngobe in Panama-write from the perspective of someone living with a strange tribe, with strange and new customs.

It’s pretty much true, isn’t it? I mean, the language is different, the custioms are different, the religion is different, the food is different, the attitudes towards everything..all different.

So, thats it for now. Today is my first day off from this place, so I’m going to go to a nearby town and try to find some secondhand shops to buy some work clothes for the garden and go try some English food and a pint of something or other…

gigi