true life planet

Hello Dear Readers,

I will be taking a vacation from the blog for the next 3 weeks. I know, I know, you are dying to hear about my adventures in the coming weeks, but I have decided that if this time with my boyfriend is going to be a real vacation, then that means a vacation from the blog as well.

Tonight I´m taking the night train to Madrid in time to meet him in the morning, and then we´ll be traveling around Spain and Morocco for the next few weeks. I´ll be flying out of Barcelona on July 9th into London, and making my way to the next volunteer position.

The next time I write, it will be from a buddhist monastery in Etwall.

Until then,

gigi

I finally made it to Santiago yesterday morning.

How in the world did you do that?, you may ask..as my last blog entry had me taking it slow and easy….

Well, I can´t say what came over me..perhaps it was getting tiring to go to refuge after refuge; perhaps it was that Santiago was so close; perhpas it was insanity. I can´t say-it probably was a combination of all three things!

Last off I was in Arzua, having only managed a measly 3 kilometers before pooping out.

That night in Arzua, I ran into the Englishman and Australian woman I had started out with on my very first day. We shared an interesting meal of squid cooked in it´s own ink. Remember awhile back when I was offered wasp larvae in Panama? Well, I´m beginning to realize people all over the world eat gross looking stuff. Actually it was pretty tasty. Better than the wasp larvae..

Anyway, it was great to see them, hear about their camino, and just enjoy their delightful company.

I drank so much wine and ate so much food I slept peacefully-plus, for once, no snorers near me-and I awoke in the morning bright and early feeling positive and energetic. I started out that morning at a good pace, and covered 20 kilometer by noon. I could have stopped..but, something kept me going.

That something was named Marco-a Brazilian man who encouraged me to keep going. I decided I could do it-I would walk to Mount Joy. That would be a 40 kilometer day, but I would be able to see Santiago for the first time(ergo the name of the place, Mount Joy).

So, I kept going…and going..and going. Most of the other people along the camino had stopped for the day by one or two o´clock, but I kept pushing onwards, fueled on by insanity. At about 30 kilometers, I thought I was done for-the sun was burning bright and it was blazing hot, for once-and it was exhausting. I was sitting by the side of the road (or maybe I was actually lying by the side of the road) when a German cyclist stopped and talked with me for awhile. Somehow he said the words I needed to hear , and I kept going all the way to Mount Joy. It ended up being a forty kilometer day-the most I´ve ever walked.

I walked-or rather limped-into Mount Joy. A boisterous Italian man came up to me and congratulated me on making it, and I burst into tears and hugged him. I could not stop crying for over an hour. Even when I was in line to get a bed at the refuge, I was in tears. Part of this was from pain, but part of it was just to have made it.

Once I got a bed, I got into it and stayed there for about 10 hours. My legs did not want to follow any commands whatsoever. They were exhausted. My mind, too, was overwhelmed, at all I had been thru in the last month and at being able to finally be so close to Santiago. You don´t really realize how much it is going to affect you until you are close to it. It seems to take everyone by surprise, and people are all very emotional.

The next morning, I got up early and walked the 7 kilometers into Santiago. I arrived there in the square by the Cathedral just as a group of horsemen from Portugal were arriving-they had riden their horse from Portugal to Santiago. The square was foggy, the horses were white, the men dressed in folkloric costumes from Portugal. It looked like a scene from a fairy tale. There were only a few other pilgrims milling about and the tourist stalls were just starting to set everything up.

Climbing the stairs to go into the awesome Cathedral was overwhelming-physically painful but also just so emotional for me. I have gone thru so much on this walk  and feel drastically different than when I began. I feel like I left myself behind on the camino and I was walking into the Cathedral as  a brand new human being, changed.

Once in the Cathedral I sank to my knees. Not only is it spectacular(language doesn´t do the place justice, so no words suffice) but the energy in the place is intense-it is full of pilgrims from all over the world, who have traveled long distance to be there. There are reunions happening right and left, people are joyful and people are crying and one has the sense that yopu are taking a part in an enormous miracle. I felt like I stopped breathing and everything was in slow motion, I was just on my knees in the pew and just overwhelmed with everything but peaceful at the same time.

A nun began to sing the most beautiful music I have ever heard. People were still and just listened.

The priest went thru the mass, and when it was time to take communion, I went up and took it. It was the most intense communion I have ever had, one is just so grateful and happy and joyful all at once. You are just everything all at once.

I´ve been here in Santiago for a few days now, letting my ankles heal and taking it easy. I went to go get my Compostella and was overwhelmed by the experience-once you´ve stopped walking day in and day out, you begin to realize what you have been thru in the last month and it begins to sink in.

It´s like a miracle, a miraculous undertaking, something you realize when you are finished that you could have never done alone.

This realization in itself is miraculous enough, but then it just keeps coming, one miracle after another, and you realize your camino has only just begun.

I feel so changed, so drastically different from having walked the camino. I feel as though I know myself so much better, and know God better, and know humanity better.

It changes you. The camino changes everything, turns everything you thought you knew upsidedown and when you are done, you see everything differently.

Travel changes you, too. Just the act of travel changes you.

When I went home briefly after being in Central America (just before coming to Spain) I was telling someone in my life how I really had changed so much from the experience of being in Central America for months working with the very poor.

¨No, you haven´t changed.¨, they said. ¨You´re the same.¨

Really.

I marvelled that someone would tell me that I was no different when they were not me. But one thing I realize from being on the camino is that changing is a part of traveling-it is impossible not to change (albiet, somewhat drastically) when confronting the best and worst of oneself-not to mention the best and worst of humanity, day after day. 

And I am changed. I am changed just by walking.

I invite you to consider changing your own life-changing some part of yourself you thought was impossible, or changing something about yourself simply by being merciful to yourself.

Practice mercy with yourself.

Walk your way into love and well being and being the person you actually are-and walk away from other´s expectations, other´s interpretations, and so on. We live in a culture of others-where others decide for us how we are to be, what our dreams are, and  so on.

Once you´ve started doing this, start inviting those others back into your life. Hear their struggles and help move them as well, to a life which they have only dreamed of and where they learn to be merciful towards themselves.

If I take anything away from the camino, it is that I will from this point onward, I will have the life that I dreamt of when I was small, a life entirely focused on being a humanitarian, focused on a life of service.

 I invite you to walk towards whatever dreams you may have had long ago. They are possible-everything is within reach.

¨Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Everyday I walk myself into a state of wellbeing and walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. ¨ -Soren Kierkegaard

And buen camino, to those of you out there who are about to undertake what will no doubt be one of the most intense and astonishing periods of personal and spiritual growth in your life.

gigi

A short,  basic update: 

I´ve made as far as Arzua, and am basically taking a rest day before the big day tomarrow of  18.5 kilometers to Pedrouzo. …(Well, at this point, that is a big day for me!

My ankles are not happy, the tendonitis in the right leg is worse, and the ankle that was sprained is still suffering. The good news is that since my stuff was stolen, my bag is a lot lighter, so that is helping alot!

So I´m slowing down today, and I only walked a mere 3 kilometers!

However, I am somewhat glad, as everyone seems to be trying to make it to Santiago on Sunday..and I won´t be there until Monday!

I´ve spent the last week or so just thinking and walking and enjoying what is the end of a spectacular experience.

There are many , many other people that are injured and are doing the same. We are all just taking our time and eating bread and cheese and drinking lots of coffee at sidewalk cafes. You´d think we would be feeling sorry for ourselves-but instead, everyone is making the best of it and learning something from their injuries. It´s a very pleasant group of people that keep crossing my path, and I feel glad to be injured and have the chance to not rush and actually get to know some people walking along with me.

I´ve also been thinking alot about what is coming up for me:

I´ll be meeting my boyfriend in Madrid to look at art and the sights on the 19th of June, and then we´ll be looking at the Alhambra down South. Then (and I´m very excited about this!) we´re going to go to Morocco for a bit, and then head back up into Spain for Barcelona, to spend a few days with Gaudi. As I am a mosaic artist, I´m really excited to go to many of these destinations!

From Barcelona, I´ll be flying to England, where my journey returns to being one of volunteering: I´ll be at the TaraCentre, a Buddhist retreat center in Etwall, Derbyshire,England. I´ll be volunteering there, doing…whatever they want me to do…until the end of August. I hope to learn the practice of meditation while I am there as well.

The Taracentre website is http://www.taracentre.org.uk/meditation_etwall.shtml

They practice a type of Buddhism called Kadampa Buddhism.

So, hasta luego until Santiago! Until then, just taking it slow and easy…

gigi

This will be the shortest entry I have ever written, mostly because I am almost out of money and have already written three…

The Camino has changed….I was abit nervous to skip ahead to the last 100 kilometers, thinking I would be walking with more of the same sort of people(walking 45 kilometers in a day, and so on) and I was told by some that I was ¨cheating¨!

However, when I arrived in Ferreiros… I was most pleasantly surprised…the other people walking along with me are eithe (a) just starting out, and only walking 100 kilometers, or (b) exhausted from walking for weeks on end, and so have mellowed out, or (c) skipped ahead as I did because they are injured.

The number of people who are very injured and so are moving along at a snail´s pace has increased dramatically. So, I am in excellent company.

For me, the Meseta part of the Camino was the best part for thinking, for musing, for figuring out my way in life-but this last leg is so beautiful, so lush, so green, so..breathtakingly beautiful,  that to me it is the best part to take slowly and enjoy.

In fact, I am quite happy to be injured and limping my way along thru what has to be one of the most beautiful places I´ve ever been in my entire life.

So, enjoying myself immensely..and probably no more entries until Santiago itself!

gigi

I decided to take a bus from Leon to Sarria, as now both of my ankles are not doing well.

I arrived in Sarria at 9:30 at night. You would think I would have thought this arrival time out more-but, (a) the bus was late to begin with;and, (b) I didn´t think it out at all, actually.

So of course, when I got there it was quite late. A very nice woman who got off the bus with me directed me down a street, and told me to go to a certain house, where there was a family that rented rooms.

I went there, I knocked, they answered, I asked..no rooms. They called the refugio..no rooms, either. They suggested another place, not quite nearby, and I started walking there.

At this point I began to notice that  Sarria had a slightly seedy element-and this element was out on the street. Suddenly, it didn´t seem like a good idea to be walking around, looking obviously lost, with an enormous backpack and a tired expression.

I ducked into a bar. (This sounds like a bad idea…but in Spain, the bars are very nice.)

The  owners directed me down the street, to another bar, who apparently rented rooms sometimes. I entered the bar and found the owner.

Yes, he had a room. Was I hungry? I was famished. Good, sit, sit, eat something.

He proceeded to bring out plate after plate of food. After dinner, I paid for the room and discovered it was in a building down the street.Ok, this is a little different, but I was so tired I didn´t care. I waddled down the street after him, feeling like all I wanted was a bed.

We came to the building that I was supposed to sleep in-it was a half shell of a building, actually-plastic sheeting for windows, graffiti in the hallway. After walking up two flights of stairs, and not hearing another soul, I reached in my bag and wrapped my hand around the container of mace I had just bought in Leon.

We reached the room, he opened the door, and proceeded to eye me up and down.

¨It´s too bad you are alone, with this big bed¨, he said, licking his lips and looking utterly disgusting.

I was at a loss as to what to say, because frankly I was distracted by the nastiness of the room. It was dirty, smelled of cigarettes, and had a dank smell.

¨Yes, well, goodnight¨, I said, pushing him out the door with my walking poles(those poles have many uses!).

I was surveying my disgusting surroundings when he could be heard on the other side of the door…¨I´m right next door, if you need anything-in the room right next to yours¨, he gleefully informed me. ¨There are no other guests.¨, he said.

I locked the door. He came back ,and talking to me from the other side of my door, informed me that he was just on the other side of the wall, if I decided I did not want to be alone tonight.

Unfortunately, the bathroom was outside, in the hall. I decided not to risk it, and peed in a plastic cup. Not easy, but something I have perfected since traveling in Central America. (Note to self: Always travel with pee container.)

I slept with all the lights on, all night.

In the morning-as soon as it was barely light-I snuck out as quietly as possible, and began walking to Ferreiro.

No wonder that room was only 10 euros….

gigi

¨I don´t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be truly happy are those who have sought and have found how to serve.¨- Albert Schweitzer

I was very blessed at the start of my trip to take part in a book trade at one of refugios-I traded  a book about the lives of the Saints for a book on the life of Albert Schweitzer.

I´ve been lugging this book around with me, from refugio to refugio, up and down mountains, reading it in cafes and on park benches, for over a month. Although I had heard of him, I didn´t know much about him or his life before reading this particular book.

This book has changed my life. Why? I´m not quite sure, except to say that I feel that he is speaking to me thru this book-his life was one of devotion and service, of selflessness and real love. He was the sort of person that I aspire to be. He´s goodness.

I think the quote above is my favorite quote of his. He had much to say on the subject of service-that is, what it means to truly be of service to others. At the same time, he had an understanding of human nature-what we are up against in ourselves-to truly become a person of service in the world. He had some circumstances that forced him to confront himself -and, once he confronted himself, he was able to give up himself for the sake of humanity. He was able to be compassionate towards people who were cruel towards him, and he went beyond himself to do so.

I´ve been really confronted on the Camino by myself-by the self imposed limits I have put on myself. There are limits from society as well-such as one´s job, finances, relationships, family-but, if you think about it, these are all limits that we accept. We are a bit uncomfortable going against the grain.

I think one thing the Camino does(and I´ve mentioned this before) is it calls into question how we think about life and why we think the way we do. Being on the Camino..makes one realize that most limits are self imposed. We really can decide to do it differently, to play by different rules entirely. We buy into what our culture tells us-that this is the sort of life to strive for, that this is the definition of a romantic relationship, that this is what we really want.

Meanwhile, we are somewhat lost. We spend our entire lives in jobs we don´t like, working for a retirement we may not be able to enjoy. We neglect our dreams, we avoid looking at our own possibilities, at our dreams…not realizing it is possible to have the dream and happiness, too.

I´m thinking about things so much differently. There are many things , many dreams, that I wanted for my life when I was younger that I let fall by the wayside. I listened to my own fears, and also let myself be influenced by the fears of others. I  was too afraid to design my own life, to use and appreciate all the gifts God has given to me.

I started out my journey, knowing that it was going to be designed not solely around traveling from place to place, but around the concept of being free to lead a life of service and to be useful to others less fortunate than myself, thruout the entire world, for three years. I limited this time of service to three years! I think this is because I was fearful to truly devote my entire life to the service of others-it was much easier to compartmentalize in and say it was only for three years.

This fear, of the unknown, of the idea of truly giving one´s entire life, truly giving one´s own life up, is the thing that stops many people from becoming the great humanitarians they could be. Fear-it keeps us selfish and small-minded. At least, this is what it did to me.

Perhaps what I´m saying doesn´t ring true for you..but, according to Albert, this is the problem we are all confronted with-and it is the primary thing in the way of leading as life of service.

For some reason-perhaps it is the magic of the Camino-I´ve really been feeling as though my life is headed down a completely different path. I feel not only will the next few years of my life be about serving those less fortunate than myself-but that my entire life will be devoted to service. Many of the things that were keeping me from this life change were within myself-and many were outside of me.

Albert said that ¨¨We are afraid to truly be of service because we are afraid of suffering.¨

The truth in that statement is profound-think about it: we are afraid to be of service because we are afraid we will suffer. I think we are worried that if we don´t keep something for ourselves, we will be suffering. But one thing I have learned is that if we give away everything we think we need, we are able to fully recieve everything that comes our way. It´s us that gets in the way of ourselves. There is such freedom in letting go.

Once I am done with my trip around the world, I have made a commitment-a firm commitment-to devote myself to poor and needy people, for the rest of my life.

I can attest to the extreme satisfaction I have felt in letting go of whatever I have felt I needed, and letting God who needs those things, my talents, or my energies the most. Working with the Ngobe in Panama-a poor indigenous tribe- changed my life, and it was the beginning of this decision to have a life designed around the specific goal of service. The Camino has taken this experience, this seed that was planted, and taken a step further…to a place with no fears, but only the realization that helping others is the most satisfying expression of what is good in the world.

Here are some ways I have decided to help others in the world upon my return to the USA:

1. I´ve decided to start a truly eucumenical prayer group for women: everyone included, from Catholic to Buddhist to Jewish..to whatever…because it is this division between us that keeps us from God and in being compassionate for our fellow man(and woman!).

2. I´ve decided to continue doing some of the volunteer work I was doing before I left-most importantly, English lessons for illegal immigrants from Mexico.

3. I´ve decided to grow a very large garden and consume as little of packaged goods as possible, and educating people in the USA about how our consumer culture is having a drastic impact on the world´s resources.

4. I´ve decided to become a leader of a Girl scout troop.

5. I´ve decided to create a website on volunteerism-one that specifically addresses some of the problems one faces when volunteering, and how to find a good volunteer opportunity.

6. I´ve decided to start my own non profit organization, to specifically help the Ngobe of Panama(and perhaps other indigenous groups I meet along the way), and make this employment my primary employment.

7. I´ve decided to write a book on my trip around the world, with a focus on living  a life of service and the spiritual and life lessons I have learned.

8. I´ve decided to adopt a child, one with a disability, or who is a bit older, or not easily adoptable-because, after living with some of the poorest people in the world, and seeing the lack of opportunities for women and children(in particular children who have some kind of physical disability)-I can clearly see that this is way I can change not just one life, but the entire world. Many cultures in the world kill children that are not ¨perfect¨, due to the fact that it is not culturally acceptable. Western culture does the same thing-we have ¨throwaway¨culture, even when it comes to human beings. (I am specifically to the way we treat disabled people in our culture).

9. I have decided to live on less, and make a firm commitment to live a simple life, unencumbered by ¨stuff¨. You can´t take it with you-living out of a backpack for months on end has taught me that!

10. I am making a firm commitment to do whatever it takes to make the world a better place, to end poverty thruout the world, specifically: to improve the lives of poor woman and children thruout the world.

Well, I´d better get started..I´m going to be 40 in August, so I´ve only got 40 years left to get all that done!

Once again, I thank the Camino..the Camino, for me, has become a living, breathing thing that  has shown me a new way to live.

gigi

If anyone out there has suffered or suffers from panic attacks, you know how awful and all-consuming they can be.

For those of you who don´t suffer from them, count your blessings.

I myself have been suffering from panic attacks most of my life, since I was a teenager.

When I began my around-the-world trip back in October, I was at a point in my life when I was experiencing them almost daily. I would get them often because of stresses in my life, and the way I dealt with stress and stressful situations.

As I have been traveling, they have been happening less and less frequently. I still have stressful situations(probably more of them!) but the way I´m handling the stress is drastically changing. I find myself noticing what triggers them, and while I´m not avoiding these situations , I´m not inviting them to be a part of my journey either.

Being the Camino has a been a tremendous time of reflection for me. Without the distractions of one´s life, and all that that entails, one can actually take a break from the demands of others and oneself..and really examine one´s soul, what moves one, what one needs. There are not the distractions of one´s job, one´s house, one´s loved ones, one´s friends, one´s social status. All of those things are still there, but they aren´t the thing that is defining you-what is defining you is only that next step.

I have found the Camino to be a wonderful training ground for the rest of my life. It seems to be full of opportunities to grow, to develop, to know oneself. It is an equally good opportunity to set boundaries with people you meet along the way.

Many people that I have met along the way I like very much; while others, quite frankly, pressed some button, or bothered me in some way. Defining who I am in these circumstances-what limits I want to have with others-is an exercise I am not terribly familiar with in my daily life.

I am, in general, a people pleaser. I take it personally when others are not happy, and even more personally when they are not happy with me.

Recently, a situation from home was conveyed to me in an email. The situation itself is not particualrly important-what is of more interest, is that I reacted to it, violently, and had a terrible panic attack.

This panic really surprised me, as I have been having less and less of this kind of response to stress-especially as I have been traveling in some very stressful situations.(Like, for example..on a chicken bus in Guatemala, at night; sick with Dengue fever in the middle of nowhere; bitten by a dog and having to give myself stitches as no hospital..and so on)

At any rate, the attack was so strong, I thought I was having a heart attack. It was so painful, and so all consuming.  I had to go back within myself and remember that I am learning how to deal with stress differently, that I get to decide how I am going to respond to any situation that comes my way. I had to go back and think about how I have learned to set some very clear boundaries while on the Camino itself. I had to breathe.

The panic attack ended.

In the past, I would have been very hard on myself that I had panicked-but instead, this time, I am grateful. It reminds me of how far I have come, and how much I owe all the people I have met along the Camino, for they have taught me many lessons and shown me that the Camino itself is a wonderful teacher. I have learned so much about myself in this short period of time; this daily walking and musing and thinking-and in the end, knowing.

The amazing thing about traveling in general(not just on the Camino, but any traveling), is that one has the chance, the amazing chance, to recreate onself. Real recreation.

In my old life (which I liked well enough, but…) I didn´t have this chance, this opportunity to really take my life as it actually was, and pluck out the parts that I wanted to keep, while tossing out the rest. There isn´t that choice in day to day life. When we change drastically, it upsets everyone. It upsets the balance. People have a need for sameness, even when it´s not healthy, or perhaps not practical.

Being on the road has taught me that I really do get to recreate myself, recreate my entire life-I literally get to decide what will happen next. Such freedom.

And the person I am recreating myself to be-she´s peaceful, and she´s free.

It´s wonderful. And I thank the Camino for helping see this possibility in myself.

gigi

Hey, I know…there are plenty of lists out there, telling you what to pack, and so on.

This is a different kind of list…

Top Ten Things Not To Bring On The Camino de Santiago:

1. The idea that you are going to be doing it alone. You are not. Be prepared for the challenge of a lifetime, as you will now be sharing your personal space-and the Camino itself-with hundreds of other people who think they are going to be doing it alone too.

2. A Timetable. Oh, my goodness. How many people have I seen wandering around the refuges in the evenings, fretting becasue they are running behind on their timetable. This applies mostly to people trying to do the whole thing, not one stage of the journey. I say, get done what you can and for once in your life, be content with the results.

3. A Competitive Attitude. Um..if this is you(and you know who you are), please don´t come do the Camino. Please. It´s great if you can walk 45 kilometers in one day, but..that´s not really the point here. I would suggest you try some mediation first and mellow out, then do the Camino.

4. A lack of Spanish skills. One thing my many new Spanish friends have told me is that they don´t understand why people come to their country and then don´t even speak a word of Spanish. Please, learn a few, just a few. You will find you have a better experience and that the Spanish people will warm up to you so much more. You may find yourself recieving invitations to do outragegeous things(as I have) which is so much more fun than actually walking and getting anywhere. Come to think of it, set aside a few days with the express purpose of getting nowhere at all. You´ll enjoy it tremendously, and, as an added plus, when you actually get somewhere, you´ll have good stories to tell at the pilgrim dinners.

5. A lack of mindfulness towards the environment. How many pilgrims have I seen, littering all over the place? Smoking and throwing their stubs on the ground? Eating and tossing the wrappers on the Camino itself? Hey, who is supposed to pick up all that trash, anyway?How many hundreds-no thousands-of plastic bottles litter the path? Perhaps you might consider picking up others peoples trash as you walk rather than adding to it. Just a thought.

6. Bad manners. Remember the words thankyou and please, and be gracious to everyone who helps you-especially at the refuges. Those people are working hard to help you have a wonderful Camino, the least you can do is thank them, fold up your blanket when you leave and wipe down the bathroom sink when you are done.

7. Modesty. Oh yes, you´ll be sharing your personal space with hundreds of other people, as I said. did I mention that also includes the bathroom? the shower? and guess what? As an added plus, most of the time, it´s coed-sometimes even with the added joy of open stalls. You also get to change your clothes in front of everyone, as everyone else is doing it too, and you´ll all pretend like you are not looking at the other person and that you are thinking about something else entirely. Practice at home first.

8. Small black bikini underwear. Guys, this one is for you. I have noticed a great number of men outfitted in these, hanging out in them-no, lounging in them, in the refuges. They seem to appear mid afternoon, and no pants appear to cover them up until dinner time. It is hard for me to talk to you if I am in the bottom bunk, and you are standing there with your parts scantily encased in a bit a of black fabric at my eyelevel. Please, take note.

9. A hankering for vegetables. Um, yes, well, good luck. It´s slim pickings on many parts of the Camino. The new magic word for you, the thing that will sustain you, is a called a bocadillo, and it´s sort of an enormous amount of bread paired with a few thin slices of ham or cheese. Unless you are very rich, in which case you will have a mini van meet you at each stop with a nice picnic lunch.

10. Judging people who take a tour or take  a bus harshly-including yourself. Hey, when did you get to decide what makes a Camino a Camino or not? In the rest of your life, you are a pretty easy going person, let´s not start getting all righteous(or self defeating) now. The fact is, it´s still a Camino, even when it´s by tourist bus or whatever. One woman actually apologized to me at Arroyo san Bol, as she got off the bus. ¨I´m not a real pilgrim¨, she said. ¨You´re not?¨, I said. Of course she was a real pilgrim. and, I found out later, she was on that bus because she was recovering from cancer. So think about what you say and how you judge others.

gigi

Ok, ok.

The fact is, I´ve run terribly behind in the blog. So, what I´ve decided to do is this: tell you what happened in the last 20 villages in this one entry:

So, I:

Got robbed of: most of my underwear, a bra, my toiletries, and cash

Ran out of money, bank card stopped working for some reason

Got really depressed

Cried alot

Slept alot in a cold room in a convent, prayed alot

Was pretty hungry

Bank card worked again

Ate alot

Talked with a man who was doing the Camino for his mother, who had recently died, and was very angry at the greed of his brothers and sisters about the way they handled her possessions(his point of view). I suggested that perhaps he could let go of the idea that he will get anything of his mothers, and perhaps just let go. He cried, and we went off and shared a bottle of very nice wine.

Talked to a very nice man from Israel, we also shared a bottle of wine on  a park bench.

Talked to another man who wanted to leave his wife, even though he was in love with her he did not find it so interesting. I told him how I thought love was the only thing that made my life interesting.Wine was shared…he called his wife, while I sat there. It had a very happy ending.

Decided I was drinking too much wine(although this is a hard one, becasue I am in Spain, and that is what they do here. you go into a bar/cafe at 9 am, and the mother who just took the kids to school is drinking a glass of wine!)

Walked thru alot of villages

Looked at alot of falling down adobe structures

Looked at alot of falling down adobe structures some more

Visited tons of churches

Talked and walked with many pilgrims, some I liked a lot, others, not so much. Decided walking alone is the best.

Hurt a Don Juan in the groin, which was very effective

Ordered a salad and it came with more meat than I have ever been served in one sitting in my entire life, and I decided right then and there that I really, really need to be a vegetarian

Got chased by two dogs

Ran out of water and got pretty dehydrated on the Meseta-some prayer here, too

Had lunch with a farmer and his family: a lovely lunch of asparagus and strawberries from their garden

Got a tour of a secret underground tunnel in a village leading to the church

Decided that I miss white mens underwear and boxers after being faced with night after night of looking at men, usually over 60, and for some reason, mostly German, walking around in black bikini briefs for hours on end(someone explain this phenomenon, please). This may become an obsession unless someone can send in an answer. The particular issue is a cause for many interesting conversations over pilgrim dinners-someone is always bringing it up…

Didn´t sleep for nights on end due to snorers and very annoying people who insist on getting out the door at 6 am in the refuges

Gave up doing any laundry in the refuges, as it was raining and raining and raining and nothing would dry anyway

Got my first blister(not bad, it took awhile)

Spent alot of time thinking about God.

Spent alot of time thinking about how I haven´t done the things I wanted to do in my life-in the past-because I was (a) worried what other people would think about it; (b) worried that I would lose someone I loved over it

Spent alot of time thinking about the nature of love, what it is, and what it means to love

Spent an entire week thinking about adopting a special needs child sometime in the next 5 years, in spite of fears over (a) what people would think about it and (b) fears of losing someone over it (c) what my family would think about it and how they would handle it or what they might say or advise about it…and decided that this idea of adoption would be a good expression of love. Decided I would be a good parent. Left the idea there, in the back of my mind, to develop a bit more.

Realized that I can do many things at once: in spite of the fact that our Western culture teaches us differnetly on this subject.  We learn that you can have this-but if you do, then you can´t have that, or if you have both one will suffer. But it is possible to have many things at once..and have a relaxing, tranquil life at the same time.

Stopped worrying entirely about what anyone thinks about anything I do. Pretty much have stopped worrying. If I do it with love, it´s simple.

Arrived in Leon, exhausted, with my feet not responding to commands anymore-and therefore, I decided to stay in a cheap hotel, which has been a wonderful, relaxing experience. An actual bathtub!

And now, the blog is up to date!

gigi

Last off, I was spending a feverish night in the care of the folks at the Hospital de San Nicholas, a refuge that is run by the Italian Confraternity.

In the morning, over big cups of steaming hot coffee and as much bread and jam as we could eat, I spent some time getting to know about the Confraternity. They are an amazing group of people, who volunteer their time, their vacations, to come work at the refuge and be in the service of pilgrims. The refuge truly was the the spirit of the Camino.

My ankle was still not much improved, and we decided that they would drrive me to the next village, where they had some friends that ran a private refuge where I could stay as long as I liked.

The refuge turned out to be in Boadilla del Camino, and was run by a Brazilian family, who took me in like a bird with a broken wing (albiet, a large bird!).

The refuge was located on the edge of town, and stood under the shadow of an enormous, fortress like church. Inside the refuge walls, there was a beautiful garden..endless cuips of coffee..pilgrims basking in the sun…

While outside the refuge lay the somewhat ominous and somewhat deserted town of Boadilla del Camino. I got tired of laying around in paradise (it happens), so I decided to poke my head around in the village and see the sights.

There were none.

The church was locked, and only open on Sunday, for a brief 40 minutes when a priest visited to hold the mass.

The streets were empty, no little old ladies walking around with little dogs; no sheepherders; no mothers with their children; no cars, even. There were no shops, no bars, and no businesses of any kind.

The houses were caving in, abandoned, broken down, everyone had moved out or away.

All this at first glance. As other pilgrims came and went, they all said pretty much the same thing-that the place was deserted.

I started taking more walks everyday, and as the ankle improved, so did my impressions of what actually was in the town.

In fact, it kind of..came to life.

There began to be many things that I had not noticed on first glance.

A lace curtain fluttering in  a window. The sound of soft opera music coming from behind a doorway. A peek of a huge vegetable garden from in between the slats of a fence. And, I realized, that the town, in it´s own quiet way, was alive-and that people were there, living as they had always lived, behind tall adobe walls and gates and shutters.

The entire community seemed to be living a very private life, away from the eyes of the pilgrims walking thru their streets. I began to see the residents of the town, now and again, as they would show up in the street for a moment and then disappear around the corner. Every evening I would take a stroll, and see the same man sitting on top of a round adobe pigeon house, facing the sunset. I saw the women come out of their houses when the fruit truck arrived, or when the fish man came, all clustered together, sitting on park benches and waiting their turn.

The pilgrims who came into the refuge would say to me that there was nothing to see…but, there was.

It is too bad that the part of our culture that rushes thru life and demands on being entertained has carried over into something like the Camino; because here, for the first time in many people´s lives, is the chance to slow down, to savor, to see life differently.

I stayed for so long in Boadilla de Camino, that the staff began to make jokes that I was just there for the food(particially true!).

 However, another reason that I stayed on, is that it just seemd like..the right thing to do at the time. Everyday, different pilgrims would start talking to me about their lives-sad stories, stories of heartache, stories of hurt, stories of greatness, stories of every kind. I felt as if each of these people were supposed to have met me, and for some reason, share with me these intimate details of their lives.

I happened to be in the village on a Sunday, and so was able to go to the Mass with the villagers. To be inside the church was wonderous-it was extraordinarily beautiful. There were only about 20 or so villagers and me(and the priest), and the Sunday happened to fall on Corpus Christi, which made the service  particularly beautiful-it included a procession and much singing of hymns that they apparently do not normally sing.

Unfortunately, the service was interrrupted by a busload of tourists, who came in, talked, and actually took photos of the preist and of the villagers in the pews! This was terrible, and I sank in my seat, with embarrassment, I was so ashamed of the tourists. (I think they were pilgrims, actually, but they were behaving like tourists so I will use that word here..) The priest, the villagers, they said nothing, but kept on with the service, but you could tell they were very uncomfortable.

After the service, the priest quickly ushered everyone outside and locked the door. the villagers-a few of them-gave me a quick nod and then went back to their houses,behind the high walls, with the locked gates.

One very old man stayed behind. ¨Do you see why we keep our church locked?¨, he asked me.¨

¨Yes.¨, I said. ¨I do.¨

I walked back to the refuge, glad I had not taken any photos of the inside of the church.

It seemed to me that the church-the whole town in fact-belonged to the people who lived there, just them, as it always had.

 I understood in that moment their secrecy, their need for privacy, their need for this beautiful-one of the most beautiful on the Camino-churches to be just for them.

gigi