Yes, I think I can’t resist, as every summer—for the seventh time—the Big Brother circus rolls into town.
Resistance is futile. Almost everyone I know finds themselves gradually dragged in by the series, so I decided to give in and watch it from the very beginning.
The housemates are the usual bunch of freaks. Or, in the words of 35-year-old Barbie doll Lea: “I don’t consider myself a freak. I just consider myself—you know—something abnormal.” Lea is an ex-23-stone-turned-model and ‘Body Artist’ whose best ever purchase were her boobs. She doesn’t eat cheese. Davina’s words as she entered the house “It’s only Panto.”
This we can be assured of. Among the more memorable characters are a rock singer with Tourette’s syndrome (who may or may not be acting, but we should run a petition to get the guy some Valium in any case), a sociopath, the inevitable ‘sex-terrorist’ (near enough a clone of an earlier housemate who was bi-, but this one’s gay), two toffs and several self-confessed models (but then all of them suffer from narcissistic personality disorder).
Sadly, we seem to be missing the geek factor this time; while two of the female entrants between them manage to lower the average IQ of the 14 housemates by at least ten points. At first I had some hope for Mikey, software developper and model, but he turns out to be just a bigmouth who’s trying too hard to piss people off.
I started jotting down quotes half-way through the opening show.
Shebaz, most certainly not said sex-terrorist: “I think the British public should know that there are gay Muslims out there who are not all terrorists”. He’s 37 and unemployed (“His intelligence is unemployable”), but actually has potential. Of all the guys, he may be the smartest and he can turn on the charm the best, so naturally he’s gay.
Dawn, beautiful and enigmatic, doesn’t like people: “Show me a nice person. Yes, perhaps Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Bob Geldof. Those are nice people. All the others are bastards.” Davina, commentating as she entered the house: “She likes to be reincarnated as either Jesus—or Hitler.” I like Dawn the most. Perhaps fellow sociopaths attract each other.
Glyn, 19 years old, pale and scrawny in his swimming trunks: “I’m a lifeguard. I’ve been voted the most sexiest lifeguard in North Wales.” (!) “I feel I can express myself back there, when I’ve got no clothes on.” Davina: “It’s not quite Baywatch, is it?”
Bubbly Lisa, the unlikely upholsterer. Davina told us that: “The coolest thing she’s ever done is superglue somebody’s toast together—which is quite cool, actually.”
Sezar, the young tycoon: “At 18, I was the youngest guy on the stock exchange floor, at 19, I was the most qualified guy in my company, at 20, I owned the company.” Take note, Sir Alan Sugar!
Yes, I’ll be watching.