Early December

"It's a Greek word, miss!"

This is the refrain which Rachel hears constantly from her students, particularly the higher level ones. Interesting lexicological (Greek word, if it is a word) phenomenon (Greek word): the more sophisticated (Greek word), exotic (Greek word) or idiosyncratic (Greek word) the glossary (Greek word) is, the easier it becomes for Greek students to extrapolate (Greek - you get the idea. Idea's a Greek word, too). There are, apparently, 45,279 Greek words in the English language (count for yourself if you don't believe me).

The problem is that in many cases the English word has come to mean something subtly different. I need an esoteric diskdrive for my laptop would be a strange request; nobody in Britain is likely to refer to Wembley as the ethnic stadium. Rachel's students remain unimpressed when she tries to explain these differences: to them, the English is just plain wrong. The implication is clear enough: 'Look, we had Aristotle, Sophocles and the Parthenon while you were still living in mud huts and grunting. We know best. And while we're at it, you messed up the alphabet as well.'

So, I already know a lot of Greek. Suppose I'm invited out to the theatre: I could specify whether I wanted to see a euphoric, chaotic comedy, a sophisticated psychological drama, a cataclysmic, cathartic cosmic tragedy, or even some misogynistic pornography. Which is all very well, but not much help in the bakers when I'm trying to say 'that loaf there, please, no, not that one, the one next to it, the long thin one, yes.' Or if I'm attempting to make small talk, say, "Panathinaikos were unlucky against Man Utd last night.' I suppose I could say it was a catastrophe for Panathinaikos. Or that the result was a travesty. Except that wouldn't be a good idea, since travesty in Greek refers to cross-dressing.

Surprisingly, cross-dressing is one subject which isn't addressed in the latest Lonely Planet Greek phrasebook. It covers pretty much everything else, all the tourist essentials from 'What is your name?' to 'I'm on the methadone programme.' Favourite section, though, has to be the one on dating. This begins with the phrases that every girl who spends much time around Greek men is going to need, such as 'Leave me alone,' 'I'm not attracted to you,' 'Stop that!'

However, things progress, as they sometimes must, since there are thousands of English women married to Greek men. We soon reach the In The Bedroom section. Here, in Greek script and helpful English transliteration, we learn such gems as 'I love your bum', 'Tie me up,' and 'Let's do it again!'

It's not that these aren't all extremely useful phrases. The question is, do you optimistically learn the phrases beforehand? Or do you make sure that, even in the most intimate situations, you have your trusty Lonely Planet handy, so that at the height of passion you can look up the appropriate phrase? And doesn't this rather ruin the moment?

I couldn't comment on the In The Bedroom section, but generally efforts to speak Greek are warmly appreciated, although they're more than likely to reply in superior English. A few weekends ago we went to the village of Vassiliki on our nearby island, Lefkada, where, bizarrely, the replies came in Czech. For whatever reason, Vassiliki seems to be the number one destination for Czech tour companies, so all the menus and signs are covered in strange squiggly accents. All the locals involved in the tourist trade appear to speak the language fluently.

It's in dealing with tourists, of course, that learning English has its most obvious application. Tourism is easily Greece's biggest industry, and (little Czech enclaves notwithstanding) English remains the international tourist language. But these days, an English qualification is a prerequisite for pretty much any decent job - even if the job itself doesn't require any language skills, English ability is seen as an indication of a good education.

A lot of Rachel's students admit that they're learning English only so they can get a good job. This means the onus is on teaching them to pass exams - not quite the same thing as teaching them English. Speaking is about learning set phrases by rote, rather than facilitating communication. When it comes to having a conversation with an English speaker, the waiter in the tourist resort with no formal training is often in a better position than the student who's been attending the frontesteria for years, repeating sentences parrot-fashion.

The waiter is probably more fluent when it comes to the In The Bedroom section, too.