The highs and lows I am experiencing in this country are pretty dramatic, and I can completely relate to the "love it and hate it" impressions I've heard about India from others. But sadly, I think I more often find myself hating it than loving it, more often frustrated than content, sad not happy, weak not strong.

So many things contribute, and it's all wearing me down. The people are truly very friendly, yet almost to a fault. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me--from trying to get me to take their rickshaw to a simple "Hello! Good Morning! What is your country?" While waiting for the night bus the other night, someone asked me my name, my country, and whether I believe in God! I just can't indulge every question, can't take everyone's picture, buy every postcard, fill every empty hand.

And the staring. It's constant, but particularly bad on buses, where I'm a sitting duck and the people have nothing else to do. Thankfully, it doesn't feel at all threatening or sexual like I thought it would. I understand they're "just curious" and they clearly haven't gotten the memo that people don't like to be stared at. What I think makes it so difficult is feeling that I can't respond the way I want to, which is to give them my meanest big-city glare, and even ask "What the HELL are you looking at!? TURN AROUND!" But, I've been told men may think it's a come-on if you return their stare, and I've found that children often ask for something or just keep saying hello, hello, hello if you acknowledge them. So unless it's a woman or teenage girl, who I feel I can smile at, I just pretend I don't notice, ignore the eyes, keep my head down, feeling meak, weak, and shy, everything I'm convinced I'm not deep down inside. I put my head in a book or stare out the window hoping they will get bored, but every time I look up there are still eyes on me.

In addition to this, in many other ways I feel I can't be myself here--I have to pretend I'm not a modern, independent, brave woman--I lie constantly--Yes, I'm traveling with friends. Yes, I'm married. Yes, I live with my parents. I'm forced to act in ways I don't like. I give people short, terse answers and am generally unfriendly. I often ignore people entirely when they talk to me. I have blinders on to all the poverty and filth.

Yes, there are highs mixed in with the lows. I really enjoyed Jaisalmer in particular, and even got some cooking lessons from the owner of the rooftop restaurant above my guest house, and met some good people there. Here in Udaipur, I took some yoga classes from the owner of the guest house. And, I'm trying to do some meditation on my own, in preparation for a 10-day Buddhist Meditation retreat I'm planning to do in Thailand at the beginning of March. But most of the good things seem to revolve around finding some measure of comfort and have little to do with being in India--a familiar movie on TV, Italian food, cool fellow travelers, Internet around the corner, rooftop restaurants that allow a chance to observe and escape humanity at the same time, running into travel friends from South America(!)...

So, I'm traveling differently here now. Moving less, relaxing more. Trying to somehow be in the moment and not just be yearning for Thailand's beaches. Trying to find peace and comfort wherever I can. Avoiding hassles is impossible, but anything to minimize them--like as few more local bus rides as possible!

I have just 11 days left, and it doesn't seem worth the hassle to try to change my ticket, so I'm going to stick it out. Today, I head back to Jaipur to see some friends, and then...I'm not sure yet, but the goal is to seek happiness here, no matter what form it takes. If it means doing nothing but yoga all day, great. If it means eating pizza and reading on the roof, fine. I've finally learned that I can't push myself here--India's pushing hard enough already.